Censoring

Warning: vent ahead.  I apologize in advance.

Either I'm getting extra crabby in my old age, or people are just really annoying lately.  Is that just me? 

Anyone could tell you that I'm opinionated.  I'm bossy.  But I'm smart.  And I work hard.  And I hate confrontation.

And for that last fact alone, I'll censor myself on 98% of what I want to say 99% of the time.  Seriously?  I'm 28, when will I stop caring what other people think?

Not sure whether it's the big presidential election coming up (even my fellow Republicans have been having a tendency to get on my nerves, but Democrats, geesh, just as bad - can't we all just get along??)

Or summer coming to an end (not going to lie, I'm stoked at the idea of it not being 90 degrees everyday for weeks) which means everyone gets to be in the same boat of working everyday (I really do love all my teacher friends, but if I see one more post about having a "no schedule" day, I'm gonna flip....I don't work 8-5 shifts [or 40 hour weeks, EVER], I NEVER get lunch breaks, I sometimes work weekends, I take work home too!)

Or the recent shooting

Or this baby business

Or this Chick-Fil-A crap (seriously.  LET IT GO.  I have gay friends and I'm still going to eat there!  Get over it!), but I have hidden more posts and defriended more people on facebook in the last couple weeks than I can remember.  I'm fairly sure I've scared most of the guys I work with (moreso than usual) into silence forever (seriously, how hard are timesheets to keep track of???)

Work is....meh.  My best friend that I've made here was made through Brickman and she left.  She still lives in Cbus and I'll still get to see her, but it's not the same.  The day she told me she was leaving, I burst into tears.  (Clomid wasn't helping.........)

I don't know what it is, but if I could just disappear into a hole for awhile and come out and everyone just be NICE and not so damned UPPITY, that'd be GREAT.

Lord help me. 

On a happy note.....training camp started today....which means first preseason game is in 2! weeks, and regular season kickoff is 5 weeks! from Wednesday.  I'm really optimistic about the team this year....but....we all know what that optimism has turned to in the past.  So we'll say I'm CAUTIOUSLY hopeful, how about that?

Oh, and I can't tear myself away from the Olympics, nor can I stop myself from tearing up everytime one of our girls or boys wins (or loses, in the case of Jordyn Wieber....bless her heart!)  Good thing they're only on once every 4 years.

That's all.  Buenos noches.

I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed.  I can't sleep.  I am stressed out.

I can't catch nor keep up at work.  Everyday flies by with barely time for bathroom breaks, let alone lunches away from my desk.  I'm doing the work of 2 (at least) people, not to mention wearing the many hats of other positions at whatever time they're needed in the branch (Controller?  Got it.  Branch manager?  On it.  Operations/ Account Manager?  Sure, why not).

I can't stay on top of my measly 1100 square foot house.  There is always something.  Laundry to do.  Bathroom to clean.  Floors to vacuum.  Things to put away.  Chris tells me to just relax, but I am becoming more like my mother everyday - I find it almost impossible to relax unless my surroundings are in a somewhat organized state.

I am trying to be healthier, but it's hard to have motivation to do anything after another 10-12 hour workday.  I know it would help, but collapsing on the couch is about my only option at 4, 5, 6pm at night.

I am quickly unraveling and I am at a loss of what to do about it.  Maybe going off the anti-anxiety/antidepressants last March (in hopes of an impending pregnancy) wasn't the greatest idea.  I'm completely off balance.

Help!!!  :(

Sleep

I apologize in advance for this probably way-too personal/ too-many-details post.

This is ridiculous.

I slept for a grand total of maybe 4 hours Saturday night.  Exhausted all day Sunday.  Go to bed at a decent hour (9) last night and what am I doing?

Sitting up, awake, online, at 1:30, because what is becoming way too normal - I.  CAN'T.  F'ING.  SLEEP.

Tonight I at least have an excuse.  Not sure what is wrong but right after dinner, my stomach was really upset and is just now calming down.  NOT TO MENTION that for the 5th month in a row, Mother Nature shows up today, in all her cramping, backache, general feel-like-crap glory.  The last 4 months I've been calm and hopeful about it.  Today I start while in the middle of grocery shopping at Meijer and make it through checking out before I have a meltdown in the car.  Poor Chris.  I'm so frustrated and I really thought that we did everything "right" this month.  I quickly "got over it" (ie, didn't spend the day curled in a ball weeping in the dark), but I really am bummed.  Why is this, something that seems to happen so easily for other people, so hard for US?  I know you have to wait a year before seeing a doctor about it, but those ugly thoughts are starting to creep in my mind.......what if something is wrong?  What if we can never have a baby?

Okay, okay, no.  None of that. 

But every night for the last MONTH I've had trouble getting to sleep.  It's affecting everything.  My stress levels at work are high enough without enough sleep, I really think that I may end up scaring everyone into never talking to me again at this rate.  I eat like crap when I'm tired, I don't ever feel like exercising in any way shape or form when I'm tired.......

I'm tired of being TIRED.  I'm tired of having to drug myself into an oblivion just to get to sleep anymore.  The last couple of weeks I've tried really hard to not take anything; today I even bought a bottle of melatonin which is supposed to work wonders.  Ha. 

Sorry for whining.  These nights are killing me.  :(

Car Shopping

No wonder used car salesmen get such a bad rep.

We drove about 25 miles to the other side of town today to one of the most advertised, biggest new/ used car lots in the city.  We had looked a few online so we went in knowing kind of what we wanted to look at.

Out of the 3 we had written down, only 1 was available to see.  (?!?).

It was a 200....7?  Jeep Liberty, red (Redskins red, I called it), very pretty, but the A/C only worked on level 4, the check engine light was on (the guy told us it was b/c it had a loose gas cap....um, no), and Chris was suspicious of it when after we had test drove it, it started smelling "hot." 

Next.

We came across another vehicle that surprise!  we had actually seen online.  A silver Chevy Trailblazer, good mileage, blah blah blah.......oh, it was in the process of a loan.  Damnit.

Next.

A 2007 Saturn Vue, black, 72,000 miles.  Wasn't that impressed with it, but thought we might run some numbers to see what kind of payment schemes we could come up with that were in that car's range.

The guy thought we were ready to drive off the lot with it right then.  Um, no.  Especially since we weren't prepared to pay the taxes upfront today (pretty sure in Indiana you have 30 days, maybe I'm wrong) and especially since I wasn't sold on the Saturn.  You should have heard this guy.  I could tell Chris was getting irritated, especially since he needed to get out of town.  Chris said, "Well, we really want to just compare pricing and things, thanks for your help," stuck out his hand.......and the guy doesn't shake it, just keeps talking.  Says he'll be right back with his card.  Okay, great.

Nope, his SUPERVISOR comes over next to talk to us, and Chris is just DONE.  Walks out.  I'm left feeling awkward and apologetic even though I was annoyed too.  Explained to the guy that we felt pushed even though we told the guy we were "just looking" after he came up to us after about 15 seconds of us being out of our car.

Sigh. 

Looks like I'm sticking with the 'Bu for awhile longer.

Frustration

I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated and angry and annoyed with myself, and there's no one to blame BUT myself.  Last March, I decided I had had it with my appearance.  I started watching what I ate - still eating everything I wanted, but in smaller portions.  I counted everything that went in my mouth - which was good b/c I love numbers (who knew?) and was able to make it a game everyday.  I did really really well.  I eventually got down to 8 pounds below my wedding day weight and only about 16 pounds from where I see my realistic goal weight being.
Enter vacation.  Vacation was great.  A whole week in the Outer Banks, and I had never felt better about myself in a two-piece. 
Enter post-vacation.  Holidays and cold weather came and I had nothing to hold myself accountable for.
Enter now.
All of that weight is back.  It's back!  I'm disgusted with myself.  Disgusted.  I know how to do it.  I know how to control my portions.  But yet everytime I have a meal I feel like I am seeing food for the last time.  Why!?  I've tried to get back on the wagon a few times in the last couple of months but I just fall right off. 
What the f.  Seriously. 
Willpower.  That's what it takes.  There is no quick fix (contrary to some who think there is) - it is literally your calories IN MUST be LESS than your calories OUT.  That's it.  I proved it last year!  My mom has proven it over the last 4 years.
So, no current solutions.  Just annoyed and sad when every morning I look at all my pants and capris and shorts and know that I can't fit into half of them.  Or 90% of them.  I'm just in "that place" right now, and it sickens me.  I need to get OUT.

Secondly, and I'm going here b/c this is where I get to use this as a true journal and not just a superficial place to skim over the tops of my thoughts, so read if you will.  No judging allowed.  Dipshit got married this weekend (last I heard).  If I had to pinpoint a single feeling about it, I couldn't.  I couldn't.  It's like if you mix all the colors in the rainbow up, that's what I would be.  Sad, happy, ecstatic, relieved, pissed off, annoyed, pensive,  hopeful.  Add all those up and that's how I feel about it.  It has been over a 16 months since everything blew up and ended, and that is a GOOD thing.  Seriously.  A good thing.  It's just - I don't know how to explain it in a public place like without sounding like an idiot or that I'm still pining for him - because I'm not.  I guess I just wish him well, but at the same time I know that a relationship that was started on a lie (he divorced his first wife b/c of this girl....and we all know where that relationship has been since they've been together) can't and won't end well.   So that's what all I'll say. 

Anyway, my parents' 30th wedding anniversary was this weekend.  That's how long Chris and I have been married so far.......times 10.  *!!!!!!*  My sister and I collaborated over the last month to throw them a surprise get together at a restaurant in Terre Haute and it turned out really well.  Well, as good as a party can turn out with peach and yellow as its colors!!  :) 

People still tick me off with their complete lack of etiquette and literally nobody from my dad's step-family (who've been our "step family" for longer than I've been alive) showed up, let alone responded.  Whatever.

Good thing that the people who came were all wonderful and I think my mom & dad were really pleased.  Aren't they cute?  Yes, we made them do a cake cutting ceremony :)  Dad was less than thrilled, but Megan & I looked on like proud parents and took pictures! 

Work is also frustrating right now, but fortunately I don't dread going in everyday like I did before - my boss is absolutely fantastic.  It's just like it never ends.  I get my arms around one thing and then another thing blows up.  Tired.  So, so tired.

Anyway.  I've been a Negative Nancy lately.  Sorry.  I just need to get over myself and get on with it.  There a lot of exciting things coming up soon and I want to enjoy them all!

Laughing

Sorry, folks, another venting post.  I apologize.  I'll be brief.

First.  My parents' 30th anniversary is on Monday, and we're having a little shindig on Saturday for them.  I sent out 20 invites, probably 45 people in total, and I've heard back from 4.  FOUR.  People.  Are.  So.  Rude.  I remember being ticked at my wedding b/c we had a few people that showed up that hadn't rsvp'd, which actually turned out okay, b/c we had probably a dozen people who DID RSVP and DIDN'T show up.....and we had already paid, per head, for them.  Peoples' etiquette really stink.  I don't know if it's that people just forgot about it, or they're busy, or just rude, or (probably the case in some of my moms' family) that they'll never GET to a 30th anniversary, so they're bitter.  People piss me off.  Yes or no.  That's all I need.  So yes, tonight and tomorrow, I WILL be making those calls and putting people on the spot.  Stupid.

Second.  Work ethic.  I feel like I have a really good work ethic.  I turned 16 in mid-November and I was working part time through the Christmas that season selling candy.  I had summer jobs until I was a senior in high school, and that year I started working a couple nights/ week through the school year.  I didn't work my freshman year of college, but during summers and starting my sophomore year, I worked at least 30 hours per week while still carrying a full class load.  After all of that, I felt pretty proud of my 3.33 GPA when I graduated.  Anyway, I digress.  I'll just say this.  Karma is a bitch.

Weekend of Annoyances

I hate Sunday nights.  I really do.  You work so hard for 5 days just to get to that 2 days of freedom, and then they're over so fast!  *Insert wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sound here.

Anyway.  We had a very good, quiet weekend.  For the first time in a month, we didn't spend half a Saturday gallavanting through 164 houses.......which while thats been fun, it was nice to not spend half a day with a realtor yesterday.  Outside of the stifling weather, we had a nice couple of days just hanging out with each other.  Just a couple little thorns to the weekend though........

1.  Our pool.  We live in a "ritzier" part of Columbus (taxes and school wise, we could never afford to buy a home here), but that doesn't mean that your everyday dub-t (white trash, haha) can't afford to live in the same apartments Chris and I do.  For the last couple of weeks, everytime I or we have gone to our side of the complex's pool, it's like a family reunion or some party or a cookout or SOMETHING where SOMEONE has 186 kids running around and it's just TRASHY and STUPID.  It's irritating that people who spend (way too much) money to live here can't just go relax and hang out without people treating the pool like it's their own private backyard.  Today I finally gave up and drove to the main pool (1/2 mi down the road) that's attached to the clubhouse, and it was much better.  Whatever.  Only a few more weeks of summer-type pool weather left, and we won't be here next summer to deal with it. 

2.  People and their non-behaving kids in public.  Seriously.  I know, I know, we don't have kids, we can't talk until we do.  Oh yes I can.  Chris & I went to the Outback last night.  Not a super ritzy place, but not a dollar-menu type place either, and what did we get for our money?  Some good food as always.......and some unseen kid (with people in the bar area, of all places)....randomly, and OFTEN, SCREECHING.  Screaming.  Crying.  Back to screeching.  Not one time did we see parents try to walk around with the kid, take him or her outside, or even did we hear them trying to calm the child.  My thought is that since it was 9:30 it was probably past the kid's bedtime, and it didn't sound like a little baby, but a small child who at least could have been hushed or given something to play with.  $10 says the parents just ignored the kid, thinking that their darling child couldn't possibly have been annoying anyone.  Even the waiters were apologizing to their tables.  Insane.  One word.  Babysitters.

3.  Foreign people.  This is a touchy subject, and I'm not racist, not really.  But seriously......Chris and I went ahead and did our grocery shopping last night at Walmart, and we were seriously the minority in the store.  Somalians, Indians, Mexicans.....it gets old.  It really does.  It's not nice of me to say, and I know that.  But seriously.  You live in our country.  We take showers here.  And women aren't forced to wear 35 layers of clothing when it's 110* outside.  And we speak English.  I feel like I'm allowed to have a little liberty with this subject considering where I work.  I deal with it everyday.  And it is a much larger problem than I ever realized, but that's a whole other discussion.

4.  This weather.  I've said it for awhile and I'll keep saying that I'll take this over snow anyday, but really.  Enough with the heat.  It is enough to make you physically ill. 

5.  My car.  My '99 Chevy Malibu is about to hit 146,000 miles and has served me well....but we use that car for everything.  Not only do we take it to TH everytime we go there (500 miles roundtrip), but when we lived on the northeast side of town and I worked west, I drove that car, and now that we live on the northwest side and I work east, it's slowly but surely costing us money.  Lots of it.  Two new tires.  New rotors, pads & calipers.  New hub bearing.  Exchanged rotors and pads.  Over it.  We may have to put off this house business for a little while b/c it's not going to last much longer.  Chris would take over driving the Malibu and/ or Blazer, b/c it's not like either of them are worth anything to trade in and we just need a newer vehicle.  We looked at a couple yesterday (in this disgusting heat) and found one in particular we liked, so we'll see.  So many big things are coming up or being discussed that I kind of want to just go curl up in a corner in fetal position and cry, because I don't feel like we can do all these big things at once. Car, houses, babies? I just want to go back to Bethel (no preference, either house would do, although 1806 was nicer) and go be a teller everyday and have date nights with my then-boyfriend on Friday nights. Wahhhhhhhh.


6.  Amy Winehouse is dead.  At 27.  Drug overdose, I'm sure.  Don't even see the need to talk about it - just a wasted life.  She was a hot mess in every sense of the term.

7.  NFL Lockout is on day like 17247 and I'm over it.  Get a deal done already.  I'm definitely not one of those fans who's like "I have been turned OFF and I'm not watching one more game as long as I live," but seriously - they are fighting over billions of dollars.  BILLIONS.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - let a couple women get in there and negotiate.  $10 says it would've been done in 2 weeks.  Too much testosterone in those conference rooms.  Get.  It.  Done.  Preseason starts in 18 days and Dallas' opening Sunday Night game at the Jets is in.......7 weeks from today.  From right now.  49 days.  Get it going.

8.  Big Brother 13.  Sucked me in this year and I just want to punch Rachel in the face.  It's one of those games that I think I'd be really good at........... ;-)

Fortunately, Chris & I had a really nice weekend together......not really doing anything spectacular but just being together....laughing and sleeping in and hanging out.  I know that I take him for granted sometimes, but this weekend was a really good reminder of what a good man I married.  :)  <3

That is all.  I'm ready to get this 4-day week over with and be home for a few days!  So it's like tomorrow isn't even Monday, it's like it's Tuesday already......... ;-)

Defeated

I feel like I've lived a pretty solid 27 years and almost 4 months. Yes, I'm bossy. Yes, I need control of situations. Yes, I can be overbearing. I know when to back off, but I know when I need to pull out my bossy boots when the situation calls for it.

So, why now am I being asked to change? To "approach" people differently? To "manage" people differently?

NO!

I refuse. I'm tired of dealing with the same crap, all the time. I'm tired of being the polite and meek one, because guess what? That's not working either.

Over it.

Whoa, Nelly

I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated that I may very well be married to the most financially-responsible man on the planet. I'm frustrated that he makes a lot of sense. I'm frustrated that he is probably right in saying we should maybe put off this house and get some of our ducks in a row first.

If you look up the phrase "opposites attract" in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of us. Me: fly by the seat of my pants, emotionally involved quickly, I see something I want, I must. have it. now. Chris: responsible. thinker. planner. looker-into-the-future to check out all the "what if's."

I'm frustrated that in the last couple of months, we added up what we spent in eating out (just on weekends, we cook during the week!!) and that amount about knocked us off our chairs. Our bills get paid and we have money in savings, so we thought we were doing alright. Little did we know. I take a lot of the blame, b/c Chris would usually be okay with eating in 7 nights a week - it's me that is pretty much done with cooking come Friday.

I'm frustrated that I just keep watching people I know - family, acquaintances, friends from high school and what have you - just pop out kids. And still live with their parents. Or grandparents. Oh, can't afford the ones you have? Why not have a couple more, after all, it's not like you're actually paying to live anywhere and it's not as if you're actually paying for insurance.

I'm frustrated that it really does seem that some people can lack complete responsibility and it doesn't seem to bother or affect them. I may not be the most financially responsible person on the face of the earth, but my bills get paid and by God they are with our own money.

I know it's not a bad thing to want all our ducks (or a good part of our ducks :)) in a row before moving onto big things like buying a house and having a baby. I also know that if we wait for ALL our ducks to get lined up, we'll be 95 years old and I'm pretty sure by that time I'll be sterile.

I am trying to do a better job of not living for tomorrow, the weekend, next month, what have you. Today is truly a blessing, and I need to learn to cherish it b/c I know all too well how fast time travels. Before I know it, it'll be late fall, and God providing, we'll have paid off some things and will be ready to say "let's do this!" to our Dominion lady. Before I know it, we'll have had 1 baby or 2 and they'll be growing faster than I can blink.

But right now - I'm frustrated.

Oh. Lent starts tomorrow. No fast food for me until April 24! :)

Random

Okay, so one of my biggest pet peeves ever is:

You go to the grocery.

Collect what you were there for (today's case for me was ice cream.........seriously the only thing that tastes good to me right now). Take those few things and go to the 20 items or less checkout.

And in front of you, are people who clearly either can't READ or can't COUNT. And the salesperson isn't going to be "rude" to them, now is he/ she? Oh no, they're going to let you check out your half a cart full of items that even I, from 3 people back, can tell with one glance is WAY over 20 items.

You don't even really have to be rude to them! All you have to do is lie. Say, "I'm sorry, but my register will only let me ring 20 items up at a time." That's all! And on that note, why NOT be rude? These people clearly think they're above standing in the regular lines. THEY are the ones that are being rude to those behind them who actually wanted to just get "in and out." Idiots.

UGH. People suck.

Tired and tidbits

I am exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. I've gone to bed every night this week fully confident that I would fall right asleep b/c I have been SO worn out. But no. I read, turn out the light, and toss. And turn. And toss. And turn. I haven't fallen asleep within 2 hours of turning out my light in I can't tell you how long. Today I finally fell into a deep sleep when I woke up and saw my clock said 5:22. Sweet. My alarm goes off at 6.

I don't know what the deal is. My back has been giving me problems but I've been working through it as best I can. It's not like I can't "turn my head off," I literally just can't fall asleep. Chris finally pushed me out of bed at 6:35 this morning (good thing I shower at night). I literally got up, brushed my teeth, washed my face, threw my hair in a ponytail, got dressed in the dark, and was out the door at 6:45. I don't even care.

I'm grumpy today, and I know me being tired doesn't help. My best bet is probably just to keep my mouth shut all day today so as to not overly piss anyone off.

Even worse is here at work we have instant messenger which is really nice when you have a quick question for someone at another office but don't want to call them.......or just to bs now and then.....and the girl I'm closest to (BA at another office) has been on vacation for a week. I've had no one to vent to, and I'm about to lose it.

I guess no tidbits for now. I'm too worn out. And annoyed.

Excuse me while I step up on my soapbox

You have to have a license (or be of a certain age) to do a lot of things.

You have to be 16 to get your license, and you have to have a license to drive.
You have to be 18 to buy cigarettes.
You have to be 21 to buy alcohol.

You have to go to school for, and get a license to be, a doctor. A teacher. A CPA. A beautician, for crying out loud.

You have to get a license to get a gun. You have to be 18 to vote (and, you know, be an active part of society).

You know what you DON'T have to have a license for? You know what you DON'T have to be of a certain age for?

To have a baby. The only requirements to have a baby is to have the right organs, and for someone of the opposite sex to have the right organs, and to get those organs together at the same time and place (haha). Isn't that insane? One of the biggest responsibilities a person can have, if not THE biggest - and you don't have to take any tests for it. Have anyone else deem you "ready" for it. Hell, you don't even have to prove to anyone that you have the MEANS to support a child!!!!!!!

There is little else that really gets me up and going on a great big soapbox when people are having kids that (I'm sorry, yes, I'm judging here) have ZERO business having them.

Teenagers? No!!

Not married? Generally I'd say no, but there are exceptions; my cousin Courtney and her b/f have been together for a long time and just probably will never get married, but they just had a baby. At least the baby has 2 parents that support themselves. But yeah, otherwise - really, how much does birth control cost? Who isn't married but TRIES to get pregnant? Yeah, not very many people can say, "me!"

Girls that do it to "keep" the guy around? Ha. Good luck with that....

Live off MY tax dollars? HELL NO. No, no, no, no!!!!!!!! I am sorry. Okay, yes, there are SOME people out there that have hit a rough patch, use welfare or Medicaid or unemployment for a short period of time. BUT. But. More often than not, those people living off my tax dollars can barely afford to "support" themselves, LET ALONE a child. And I'm not saying money is everything. When my mom and dad had me, they were 22 and 21 and had both lost their jobs 3 weeks after finding out they were pregnant with me. But you know what? They both BUSTED THEIR BUTTS to support us. My dad worked at Burger King. He was an insurance salesman for awhile. Drove for 7Up. My mom worked in the proof department at the bank. But they did without a lot of stuff during those times. New clothes for themselves, cable tv. They only had 1 car back then. I never went without, because my parents made sure THEY would go without before I did.

When Chris and I choose to have a child, it is because we feel that a) we are strong enough in our relationship to bring a life into this world, b) we are in a position that at least is favorable, financial-wise, to bring a life into this world, and c)....oh yeah that's right, make sure that we're able to SUPPORT OURSELVES FIRST!!!!!!! When Chris & I have a child, we will have costs involved. Yes, through my work we have great insurance. But it's 90/10. We'll have to pay 10% of the costs of having a baby, and I know the total cost is a lot. Oh, and yeah, all the prenatal stuff - we'll be paying for that too (maybe not, I'm not entirely up to speed on my insurance's policy for baby stuff).

I have a real problem with people that a) still live in someone else's home b/c they can't afford to live on their own, b) aren't that great of parents to the TWO children they already have since they are basically still kids themselves, c) have the newest cell phones, computers and high speed internet but their kids are in clothes that are too small - and are expecting another one.

I can't even wrap my head around it. I know people that are good people....that have tried and tried and tried, or are trying as we speak - are more than ready to have a baby, that will be good parents......but can't.

And then there are other people who all but make a mockery of being parents.

I can't stand it.

Life Cleanup

I am done with people whose only impact in my life is negative.

I feel that I hardly have the emotional backbone to deal with what comes my way on a day-to-day basis, let alone deal with the crap that people bring into it, frivolous or not. (That is not to say that I don't deal with my problems. I do. I just don't feel like I need to deal with everyone else's, too).

So today, I again went through my facebook "friends" list. No impact in my life in the last however-long-of-time? Gone. Generally annoy me with your consistent negativity? Gone.

As much fun as I used to get out of a good football argument, or the joy of feeling like I've helped someone through a tough situation - at some point, enough is enough. Regardless of what some may think, I DO know there is life outside of the Dallas Cowboys, and no matter how much I argue, there will always be someone out there that just wants to push my buttons and get me fired up. And there will always be those people out there whose life is just always miserable, no matter how good or bad they have it, no matter what I say, no matter what I do.

So another "resolution," if you will - staying focused on the positive. Not getting caught up in the day to day bullshit (gossip and petty arguments). And again.........living my life in such a way that makes people PROUD to say they know me, and makes me proud to look in the mirror at myself.

Annoyed

I have to quit letting people get to me.

Little, petty, stupid things get to me more than big things (generally speaking).

I know when people are intentionally pushing my buttons but yet I still respond. I learned the lesson when I was little and yet at 27 I still let "bullies" pick at me until they get me good and pissed off, instead of just ignoring them and walking away.

But right now, I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed at the overly anti-Cowboys sentiment from just about everyone I know (which usually translates into pro-Colts, but whatever). They're my team. I'm passionate. I live and breathe football so, yes, I take seasons like this hard. I don't have kids. I have a semi-normal-work-hours job. I don't have any major responsibilities outside of showing up to work and making my marriage work (not diminishing that), but seriously? If I was neglecting my kids, losing money, or winding up in jail, then yes. You could intervene. But until then? I'm going to be the generally overly-obnoxious (mostly for other peoples' benefits) fan. I'm going to shit-talk teams I don't like. I'm going to chat football with those who know what they're talking about. Everyone else can go to hell.

I have friends who are teachers. My sister will be a teacher soon (God willing). I could never be a teacher, nor do I feel that I'd ever make a good one. But unfortunately, I feel that there are people JUST LIKE ME who ARE teachers for the main reason that they get long winter breaks and summer vacations. No lie. And that pisses me off. Those people could be teaching my own children someday. Are Christmas breaks and summer vacations a perk of the job? Sure. But to know without a doubt that that is one of the only reasons people became a teacher just gets under my skin. I'd love to have 2-hour delays, snow days, and long breaks from work. But I'm not going to get a freaking teaching degree just to have those days off. I work my ass off. I work 50 hour weeks, I work 12 hour days. Just think of how much nicer this world would be if everyone got a summer vacation. (Do I understand that then no one would have anywhere to go if this happened? Duh. I'm just dreaming).

I'm already annoyed with New Years resolutions. If you're going to do it, just do it. If you're going to work out, just go. If you're going to go on South Beach, just do it. In my weight-loss journey before my vacation, I kept people updated (whether they liked it or not, ha) via my facebook, but that was for more than 2 days. I lost 25 pounds in the span of about 6 months this year, and that's something to be proud of. I'm a huge advocate of NOT encouraging those who complain about themselves.....I've never been one to console a friend, "Aw, you're not fat!" when she goes "I HATE the way I look!" I'm just not. If you want to do something about it, fine. Then do it. If you've starved yourself for 2 days just to fall into a Burger King breakfast on the 3rd day, then I'm sorry - but no. Find something that you can stick with. MODERATION, MODERATION, MODERATION.

I'm annoyed with snow, but 'tis the season. It is just never ending. I have definitely had my fill of 12-hour + days in the last week, which is probably the reason for my mood. I'm just OVER everything and everybody. I'm ready to get to Terre Haute and spend Christmas snuggled up with my family.

Bah, humbug.

Long Day, All The Way

I'm homesick. I haven't been home since July 4th, which, by my count, is just short of 3 months.
I miss my mom.
I miss my sister.
I miss my dad & brother.
I'm tired of stressful days at work.
I'm tired of awkwardness and hostility and tension with a certain few coworkers.
I'm tired of not being listened to at work (why would the BA know anything)?
I'm tired of being taken for granted.
I'm tired of being TIRED.
I'm tired of hearing crap about the Cowboys. Seriously.
I'm always tired of bandwagon fans.
I'm tired of passive agressive high school drama.
I'm tired of feeling unsettled.
I'm tired of always feeling like nothing is quite enough.
I'm tired of bills.
I'm tired of laundry.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of always having something that needs done.
I'm tired of life in general.

I need a vacation....

0-2

SMH.

(That was on the Cowboys' feed earlier this week, and yes, I had to google it. It means "shakes my head.")

That's all I can say for today's game. No words, just shakes my head.

Okay, maybe a couple words.......maybe a little overconfident over a less-talented Bears team, too many mistakes (penalties, 2 freak-interceptions, a fumble and a missed FG), and quite simply just LOST. And now we get to go to an on-fire Houston team next week. Holy hell.

In other news, Chris & I cleaned our spare room from top to bottom today, rearranged some furniture, and put together a new desk (we were previously using an old tv stand).

Now begins another long week after a Cowboys loss. Hey, Minnesota is 0-2 too. And Cleveland....and Oakland...........sniff sniff.

It's Just A Game, It's Just A Game....

....but then why am I SO PISSED?!?!?

Oh, I know...."on the stat sheet, the Cowboys actually held the advantage. They outgained the Redskins 380 total yards to 250, recorded 24 first downs to 17, and held the time of possession at 34:03 to 25:57."

And penalties. I can't wait to see the final count, but it was more than 10. WAY more than what is acceptable for a professional football team........the game ENDED on an offensive holding penalty, negating what WOULD HAVE BEEN the game winner...........

I could just puke. I let myself get so worked up every week for these games, and I know I really REALLY need to find a hobby, but seriously, when I'm going to get less than 5 hours of sleep because I watched my favorite team beat themselves the whole way, I JUST GET MAD.

Mad. Pissed. Irate. Irritated. Disappointed. Angry. Annoyed.

Name it, I am it. Jason Garrett as the OC needs to GO. His 6th sweep play of the game was called on 3rd and 2....I could've hit the roof. Defense did what they had to do; holding the Skins to 2 measley FGs....one stupid mistake at the end of the 1st half gave them their only TD of the game.

The Cowboys moved the ball well, for the most part, all night long. Dez Bryant had a decent debut, R. Williams came up with a key grab on 3rd and long and caught what should have been the game winner, all 3 RBs had good runs....but to end and LOSE a game on a penalty....just goes to show you that thanks to the Cowboys, the Cowboys LOST.

AND I AM MAD ABOUT IT.

And I have to be at work for a meeting in 6 hours.................at least the shit-talking will be at a minimum....Bengals lost, Colts lost, and Pittsburgh won by the skin of their teeth.

Here's to week two, at home vs. Chicago.

Sheesh.