Frustration

I'm frustrated.  I'm frustrated and angry and annoyed with myself, and there's no one to blame BUT myself.  Last March, I decided I had had it with my appearance.  I started watching what I ate - still eating everything I wanted, but in smaller portions.  I counted everything that went in my mouth - which was good b/c I love numbers (who knew?) and was able to make it a game everyday.  I did really really well.  I eventually got down to 8 pounds below my wedding day weight and only about 16 pounds from where I see my realistic goal weight being.
Enter vacation.  Vacation was great.  A whole week in the Outer Banks, and I had never felt better about myself in a two-piece. 
Enter post-vacation.  Holidays and cold weather came and I had nothing to hold myself accountable for.
Enter now.
All of that weight is back.  It's back!  I'm disgusted with myself.  Disgusted.  I know how to do it.  I know how to control my portions.  But yet everytime I have a meal I feel like I am seeing food for the last time.  Why!?  I've tried to get back on the wagon a few times in the last couple of months but I just fall right off. 
What the f.  Seriously. 
Willpower.  That's what it takes.  There is no quick fix (contrary to some who think there is) - it is literally your calories IN MUST be LESS than your calories OUT.  That's it.  I proved it last year!  My mom has proven it over the last 4 years.
So, no current solutions.  Just annoyed and sad when every morning I look at all my pants and capris and shorts and know that I can't fit into half of them.  Or 90% of them.  I'm just in "that place" right now, and it sickens me.  I need to get OUT.

Secondly, and I'm going here b/c this is where I get to use this as a true journal and not just a superficial place to skim over the tops of my thoughts, so read if you will.  No judging allowed.  Dipshit got married this weekend (last I heard).  If I had to pinpoint a single feeling about it, I couldn't.  I couldn't.  It's like if you mix all the colors in the rainbow up, that's what I would be.  Sad, happy, ecstatic, relieved, pissed off, annoyed, pensive,  hopeful.  Add all those up and that's how I feel about it.  It has been over a 16 months since everything blew up and ended, and that is a GOOD thing.  Seriously.  A good thing.  It's just - I don't know how to explain it in a public place like without sounding like an idiot or that I'm still pining for him - because I'm not.  I guess I just wish him well, but at the same time I know that a relationship that was started on a lie (he divorced his first wife b/c of this girl....and we all know where that relationship has been since they've been together) can't and won't end well.   So that's what all I'll say. 

Anyway, my parents' 30th wedding anniversary was this weekend.  That's how long Chris and I have been married so far.......times 10.  *!!!!!!*  My sister and I collaborated over the last month to throw them a surprise get together at a restaurant in Terre Haute and it turned out really well.  Well, as good as a party can turn out with peach and yellow as its colors!!  :) 

People still tick me off with their complete lack of etiquette and literally nobody from my dad's step-family (who've been our "step family" for longer than I've been alive) showed up, let alone responded.  Whatever.

Good thing that the people who came were all wonderful and I think my mom & dad were really pleased.  Aren't they cute?  Yes, we made them do a cake cutting ceremony :)  Dad was less than thrilled, but Megan & I looked on like proud parents and took pictures! 

Work is also frustrating right now, but fortunately I don't dread going in everyday like I did before - my boss is absolutely fantastic.  It's just like it never ends.  I get my arms around one thing and then another thing blows up.  Tired.  So, so tired.

Anyway.  I've been a Negative Nancy lately.  Sorry.  I just need to get over myself and get on with it.  There a lot of exciting things coming up soon and I want to enjoy them all!