Monday, July 30, 2012

Censoring

Warning: vent ahead.  I apologize in advance.

Either I'm getting extra crabby in my old age, or people are just really annoying lately.  Is that just me? 

Anyone could tell you that I'm opinionated.  I'm bossy.  But I'm smart.  And I work hard.  And I hate confrontation.

And for that last fact alone, I'll censor myself on 98% of what I want to say 99% of the time.  Seriously?  I'm 28, when will I stop caring what other people think?

Not sure whether it's the big presidential election coming up (even my fellow Republicans have been having a tendency to get on my nerves, but Democrats, geesh, just as bad - can't we all just get along??)

Or summer coming to an end (not going to lie, I'm stoked at the idea of it not being 90 degrees everyday for weeks) which means everyone gets to be in the same boat of working everyday (I really do love all my teacher friends, but if I see one more post about having a "no schedule" day, I'm gonna flip....I don't work 8-5 shifts [or 40 hour weeks, EVER], I NEVER get lunch breaks, I sometimes work weekends, I take work home too!)

Or the recent shooting

Or this baby business

Or this Chick-Fil-A crap (seriously.  LET IT GO.  I have gay friends and I'm still going to eat there!  Get over it!), but I have hidden more posts and defriended more people on facebook in the last couple weeks than I can remember.  I'm fairly sure I've scared most of the guys I work with (moreso than usual) into silence forever (seriously, how hard are timesheets to keep track of???)

Work is....meh.  My best friend that I've made here was made through Brickman and she left.  She still lives in Cbus and I'll still get to see her, but it's not the same.  The day she told me she was leaving, I burst into tears.  (Clomid wasn't helping.........)

I don't know what it is, but if I could just disappear into a hole for awhile and come out and everyone just be NICE and not so damned UPPITY, that'd be GREAT.

Lord help me. 

On a happy note.....training camp started today....which means first preseason game is in 2! weeks, and regular season kickoff is 5 weeks! from Wednesday.  I'm really optimistic about the team this year....but....we all know what that optimism has turned to in the past.  So we'll say I'm CAUTIOUSLY hopeful, how about that?

Oh, and I can't tear myself away from the Olympics, nor can I stop myself from tearing up everytime one of our girls or boys wins (or loses, in the case of Jordyn Wieber....bless her heart!)  Good thing they're only on once every 4 years.

That's all.  Buenos noches.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Stunned

I am sucking it UP on this thing lately.

I've not really had much to talk about, or say, and the things that are blogworthy, I just can't put into any kind of black & white that makes any sense - nor is it anything that I think anyone would want to read ((why should I care, this is my place, right?))

But today.....none of those things matter. 

The fact that if we don't conceive this month, we're officially in that 10% of couples who can't get pregnant on their own within a year, and doctor's visits become more time consuming and expensive (as if they haven't already).  The fact that one of my closest friends I've made here in Cbus was made through work and she's leaving to go to a different company.  The fact that I'm glad its finally rained some lately, although our lawn still looks like it should be September.  The fact that opening kickoff is in 47 short days!  The fact that I am completely disgusted with myself and cannot force myself to stick with any sort of workout routine or any kind of healthy eating, even though every morning I look in the mirror and am ashamed of how I've let myself go. 

None of that matters.

None of that matters b/c today, going to just escape from real life for a little bit, 12 people are dead, 50+ are injured, and there is a 24-year old med school dropout in custody.

I first got wind of this via facebook this morning and it was a main topic of discussion at work today.  Guys I work with, with small kids who want to see this movie, were visibly shaken.  I cried watching coverage after dinner tonight, watching a piece about a 24-year-old girl who just barely escaped with her life last month during a mass shooting in Toronto - she was killed last night.  She was going to a broadcaster.  She had a blog - I want to look it up. 

The one side of me is just so......sickeningly fascinated with stuff like this.  Why did he do it?  What else did he have planned (this guy had a booby trap set at his door that would've killed the first people to break into his apartment - luckily, law enforcement had a camera that let them see in windows before anyone else got killed.  Was anyone else involved?  I think had I not gone the accounting route, I would've loved the world of psychology.  People, how they tick, mental illness - for one thing, it hits very close to home.  But second - it's fascinating stuff.

But the other side is just sick.  And sad.  And why would I want to bring a baby into this world anyway?  

I don't know how I'm sitting here writing in a blog; TV is on in the other room, hubby already in bed b/c tomorrow is his Saturday to work - we're just going about our normal lives - when for over 70 people and their families - their worlds have stopped.  Nothing will ever be the same again for them.

So, so sad.  Tragic.  Useless violence.  Going to sleep with a heavy heart tonight, and thanking God extra hard that my loved ones are still with me.