Thursday, September 20, 2012

So long, summer

Last day of summer 2012.

I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside.  Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much. 

((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either.  Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))

So, fall is here.  The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.

But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening.  Fortunately, we took another step today.  Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands.  The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own.  We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan.  It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.

So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith.  Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time.  It'll happen.  I just know it.  I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure.  More to come on that soon....maybe!

Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Hard.

This is so. hard.

If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.

You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless.  Out of reach.  Like it's never going to happen.

Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period.  Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.

I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess).  Some months I've been okay.  Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself).  This month, I'm just pissed.  And over it.  So tired of it.  Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine.  I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.

What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us.  Our parents, our siblings, our friends.  I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.

I try to keep my head up.  To "let go and let God."  To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is.  But that's hard for me.  To give up control.  To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control.  I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.

I know all hope is not lost yet.  We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end.  Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers.  And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume).  My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances. 

I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am.  But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.

If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.