Long Day, All The Way

I'm homesick. I haven't been home since July 4th, which, by my count, is just short of 3 months.
I miss my mom.
I miss my sister.
I miss my dad & brother.
I'm tired of stressful days at work.
I'm tired of awkwardness and hostility and tension with a certain few coworkers.
I'm tired of not being listened to at work (why would the BA know anything)?
I'm tired of being taken for granted.
I'm tired of being TIRED.
I'm tired of hearing crap about the Cowboys. Seriously.
I'm always tired of bandwagon fans.
I'm tired of passive agressive high school drama.
I'm tired of feeling unsettled.
I'm tired of always feeling like nothing is quite enough.
I'm tired of bills.
I'm tired of laundry.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of always having something that needs done.
I'm tired of life in general.

I need a vacation....

The Sky Isn't Falling!

My boys went out and got a good, solid, TEAM win today....and very convincing at 27-13 (AND beating a 2-0 team). Phew. Now we go into a bye week, which generally speaking I HATE early bye weeks, but this year - couldn't have come at a better time. Get everyone healthy, get some focus on the NUMEROUS penalties - and come out with guns blazin' at home vs. Tennessee. Yeah! Go Cowboys!

Just passed my 2nd anniversary at Brickman on 9/18....crazy how fast time flies in that job. There is just no "coasting" in this job. Every week, every month, every season is a new focus and a new fire to fight....but it keeps me busy! This week marks my 24th end of month, which is always crazy........but hopefully goes by quickly and smoothly.

Looking forward to Jenn's baby shower next weekend and seeing some friends that I don't see enough. The weekend after that, Chris' parents come....I love visitors! And I think fall just might be officially here. After a couple days in the 90s this week, we had a gorgeous 70-degree day to enjoy the OSU game yesterday (got some tickets from a guy at work....who had gotten them from the Regional Manager but couldn't go), and today has been a cloudy, chilly, perfect-fall 50-ish degree day. I know that winter and snow inevitably follow this season, but I just adore fall....hoodies, football, pumpkins, apple cider, changing trees (well, not this year b/c of the drought, but still!)

But for now, time for a shower, some SNF and an early bedtime....6:30 meeting will come too quick. Boo.

I Saw God Today

There's a story out there....not sure where it started, but ever since I read it, I remember it everytime I come across a penny. You know, the story about a woman who goes out and has dinner with her wealthy boss....she watches him stop outside the restaurant, stoop down to pick up a penny, pause and smile, put the coin in his pocket, and goes about the evening. She wonders why he stopped and smiled and KEPT the penny....so much so that she asks him. He points out to her "In God We Trust"....and she's confused.

He says: "Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every US coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray. I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me."

I LOVE that story....and since then, have found dozens of pennies in my path. I don't always stop to pick them up, and I may not even stop....but with every penny I see, I smile, knowing that no matter what....God DOES have a plan. No matter what kind of pain, or stress, or worry, or sadness I go through - it's FOR something.

And while I may not be the best Catholic or even Christian, I feel stronger in my faith everyday. This week has been stressful....Monday morning, I was immediately greeted at work with stress. I came home in a bad mood, and whined to Chris all night. Tuesday was more of the same....until a song came on on my iPod player that made me stop in my tracks. "How Great Thou Art," the acoustic version. That song was a favorite of my great grandparents, and it is just such a powerful song. It really made me stop and think....and remember. I closed my eyes, just for a second, and just felt such peace. If I listened really closely, I could my great-grandma Guenzel's slightly warbly voice, singing beside me in church. But at that moment, I was so thankful.

I have a good job. I have a husband of 2 years/ best friend of almost 8. I have a home (well, apartment). I have family & friends who love me. Things aren't ever as bad as they seem.

And the week got better.....if only for a few minutes.

(Unfounded) Baby Fears

So, I'm a creature of habit. I love reruns of "Friends." There was just an episode on where Monica & Chandler find out that the chances of them having a baby on their own is pretty slim to none....

Things like that scare me to death. In fact, besides something happening that would suddenly take a loved one (or not suddenly, either one) away, my biggest fear is that I won't ever be able to have my own children. I know that right now I'm too selfish to be a mom, but my hopes are that eventually, I'll be grown up enough to be a mother.....if I could even be half the mom my own mom is....I think that my child(ren) will be lucky :) But seriously - all the money, exams and general pain-in-the-buttness of the last decade of trying to NOT have kids....just to be told someday that I can't? The thought just makes me sad, and something that I hope I never have to face.

On the other hand though....it seems that every other day, a friend, coworker, family member, acquaintance.....announces their upcoming bundle of joy. Seeing pictures.....buying for baby showers.....buying for the mommies-to-be.....gives me baby fever BAD.

But how do you KNOW? How do you know you're ready? I'm a planner. I like things going in a straight, forward, planned manner. Every morning at work, I go over the list I began the afternoon/ evening before and map out my day. Through the week, I think about the upcoming weekend and what I would like to accomplish (and in case anyone is wondering, this weekend I have plans to do NOTHING). Life just happens in a straight line.....y'know? Preschool....elem school....middle school....high school.....college. Since Chris & I started dating in college, it was a clear path that we would get married (obviously not the only reason we got married, but it was a good next step). After college, you get a good job. After you get married and have a good job, it seems, you have a baby. At least, that's the way it seems within my circle of friends.

There isn't a woman I know that is newly pregnant or newly-made-mommy that isn't in a good place or "shouldn't" be pregnant or "shouldn't" be a mom. Every woman I know that is pregnant or a mom is in a good place. But how do you KNOW you're in a good place? How do you know you're ready? How much does the circle of friends you run with play a part? How much does "baby fever" play a part? Obviously, big things like deciding with your husband...finances....play a part. But how much do outside factors play a part?

It's probably different for everyone. And I know that if we wait until we're "really" ready, we'll never have a baby. I just want to make sure that when we do....it's really, truly right for us....

0-2

SMH.

(That was on the Cowboys' feed earlier this week, and yes, I had to google it. It means "shakes my head.")

That's all I can say for today's game. No words, just shakes my head.

Okay, maybe a couple words.......maybe a little overconfident over a less-talented Bears team, too many mistakes (penalties, 2 freak-interceptions, a fumble and a missed FG), and quite simply just LOST. And now we get to go to an on-fire Houston team next week. Holy hell.

In other news, Chris & I cleaned our spare room from top to bottom today, rearranged some furniture, and put together a new desk (we were previously using an old tv stand).

Now begins another long week after a Cowboys loss. Hey, Minnesota is 0-2 too. And Cleveland....and Oakland...........sniff sniff.

Never Right

Always wrong.

Always second guessed.

Can't do anything right, why even try........................

It's Just A Game, It's Just A Game....

....but then why am I SO PISSED?!?!?

Oh, I know...."on the stat sheet, the Cowboys actually held the advantage. They outgained the Redskins 380 total yards to 250, recorded 24 first downs to 17, and held the time of possession at 34:03 to 25:57."

And penalties. I can't wait to see the final count, but it was more than 10. WAY more than what is acceptable for a professional football team........the game ENDED on an offensive holding penalty, negating what WOULD HAVE BEEN the game winner...........

I could just puke. I let myself get so worked up every week for these games, and I know I really REALLY need to find a hobby, but seriously, when I'm going to get less than 5 hours of sleep because I watched my favorite team beat themselves the whole way, I JUST GET MAD.

Mad. Pissed. Irate. Irritated. Disappointed. Angry. Annoyed.

Name it, I am it. Jason Garrett as the OC needs to GO. His 6th sweep play of the game was called on 3rd and 2....I could've hit the roof. Defense did what they had to do; holding the Skins to 2 measley FGs....one stupid mistake at the end of the 1st half gave them their only TD of the game.

The Cowboys moved the ball well, for the most part, all night long. Dez Bryant had a decent debut, R. Williams came up with a key grab on 3rd and long and caught what should have been the game winner, all 3 RBs had good runs....but to end and LOSE a game on a penalty....just goes to show you that thanks to the Cowboys, the Cowboys LOST.

AND I AM MAD ABOUT IT.

And I have to be at work for a meeting in 6 hours.................at least the shit-talking will be at a minimum....Bengals lost, Colts lost, and Pittsburgh won by the skin of their teeth.

Here's to week two, at home vs. Chicago.

Sheesh.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!?

This girl definitely is!

The time between the Super Bowl and the beginning of the next regular season always seems endless to me. Sure there's the combine, the draft, OTAs, training camp and preseason, but regular season is finally here and I couldn't be more excited!

Dallas hasn't won a Super Bowl since January 28, 1996. I was 12....in 6th grade. I'm ready for another win, and what could be bigger than a team hosting and WINNING a Super Bowl!? Not much....

Here's hoping that the season doesn't end in disappointment - this Cowboys team has had a lot of expectations piled on them this year, even moreso than in the past - and hopefully they can pull it off. They are one of the most talented teams in the NFL on paper - let's see if they can translate that onto the field and into the Lombardi trophy case!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DALLAS!

"Where Were You....

(From the LA Times, Opinion Page, 9/10/08)

....when the world stopped turning, on that September day?"

9/11/01....it was a Tuesday. I was a senior in high school, in my 1st hour class with Ms. Minar - Newspaper. I was in a side room making some calls to local radio stations about sponsoring us for a car wash, or something....I got ahold of someone at one of the stations, who snippily told me, "We're worried about the state of our country right now!," and hung up. I went back to the classroom and relayed what the rude DJ had said to me. At about that time, there was an announcement over the PA system to turn on all the TVs in the classrooms - which we did, and right at that moment, we saw the 2nd plane hit. I remember where I was sitting in the classroom, and what I was wearing....

I remember that day like it was yesterday. A "code red" was issued for the entire school (beacuse of bomb threats at my own Terre Haute South, and across town at Terre Haute North) which meant that no one was allowed to leave the room they were in, and it was like that for about 3 hours. The whole day was off after that. I got to my next class in the weight room and a code orange was issued.... At lunch, the whole school was evacuated to the football field...and if I remember right, everyone was finally released early. I quickly found Megan to get out of there, and took her locker neighbor, Kelly, home too. Gas had shot up to about 5 bucks a gallon. We got home to a stunned Mom and 6-year old Anthony. My boyfriend at the time, Shaun, sold Kirby vacuum cleaners and I was frantic when I couldn't get ahold of him. He finally came to my house around 8:00 that night and I was so glad to see him. Everyone's nerves and emotions were shot.

It was such a crazy and sad time, and I can't believe that its been 9 years since that fateful day. So much has happened in the world, and in my own life, since then....but 9/11 will always have special meaning for our generation.

It's hard to imagine a world with religious and political tolerance....a world with peace....a world with compromise and patience instead of war and threats....and I'm not sure that I will ever see that in my lifetime, nor will my children. All I know is that more than anything, I had never been more proud to be an American after that day. Blood drives were set up and lines went around the block. I remember South passing around buckets at football games to raise money. Everyone was so proud to be part of a country who could and would stand up to terrorism....and I still am. You can disagree with the war, but you better believe in the reason - otherwise think of all the lives that have been lost for nothing.

Always remembered, never forgotten.........

Two Years

Chris and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary 10 days ago. I should've blogged then. But for some reason, I find myself intimidated by blogging now. I don't know why! I don't have to record every breathing, living moment I have....but I think that since I was away for so long, I'm finding it hard to find the balance of catching up and moving on at the same time.

But for the moment - catch up. 2 years. Phew.

This past year of our marriage was probably the toughest year of my life. Major mistakes on my end, major hurt on Chris' end, major fights, arguments, yelling and ugliness on both sides. It wasn't a pretty year. And through no fault of Chris'. I disappointed a lot of people, whether or not they know the whole story, and that's almost as hard as what I put my 8-year relationship/ 2-year marriage with Chris through. Fortunately, though, the good thing about something so life-altering is that it shows you who matters in your life, and who doesn't. My family has absolutely blown me away with their support; friends, too. A lot has changed since 8/30/08, but I think I now can (cautiously) say that our relationship is back on track, moving forward, moving together, moving BETTER.

So our 2-year anniversary came and went without a lot of pomp and circumstance. I got Chris my usual 2 cards (one funny, one serious....plus a letter)....Chris got me a very pretty card and even wrote me a poem inside. We went out for Outback on the day of, and this past weekend, we just enjoyed being together and relaxing over the Labor Day holiday. We are planning on going down to Hocking Hills later in the fall to have a little more time to celebrate.

We did sign on for another year at our current apartment, and we did some things around the place over the weekend to make it feel more home-y. I'm really bad at creative type things, but always love going to friends' and families' houses that are well-decorated but still well-lived-in. So I'm trying.

So, moving forward. It has been a crazy and hectic couple of days. I love holidays, but the work just sits on my desk for the next work day. We are having a landline and new DSL installed on Friday in preparation for our DIRECTV to be installed next Wednesday (NFL Ticket!) and that has taken WAY too much of my time to get figured out, but it'll be worth it when I can throw things in my own house instead of in public during non-primetime Cowboys' games!

Money always creates some havoc or another in our lives, and I don't think that that will ever change. Frustrating nonetheless. Fortunately, my background in banking makes it to where no one can ever talk over my head about money, and that's a good thing.

Work is busy as ever. When final numbers came out for our maintenance season, my branch grew over 37% since this time last year. Any growth is good, but growth that large has been hard to manage. 37% growth means more staff and more equipment and more trucks, but still only 1 me, and it's tough. Fortunately, I still enjoy my job (96% of the time) and still learn something new everyday....and I enjoy being a part of one of the top performing branches in the company. Everyday presents new challenges, and it's FAR from an 8-5, Monday to Friday job (no smoke breaks, no recess breaks, if I even eat lunch it's at my desk while answering emails, the phone and doing the million things that come across my desk daily....in early, out late, in some weekends (more during snow)), but I can definitely say that I'm never bored! The account managers are well into renewals for 2011 and snow contracts are coming in by the truckload (ugh - that dirty word).

I've started "training" (via nikeplus.com) for a mini-marathon. It's hard for me to just go out and just RUN. I need to know how far I'm going. I need to have a plan. So this "coach" tells me how to far to run everyday, gives me exercises to do to complement the running I am doing, and lets me compete against myself, and set goals. I'm really glad that I have started to find running enjoyable. It gets my head cleared, and gets my body good and tired. My legs are stronger, my endurance is the highest its ever been, and I am feeling better in general. From March 7 to July 30 (when we left for vacation), I lost 25 pounds, and felt GREAT. Its been hard to get back into it, and I've gained about 3 pounds back. But I'm determined to get that 3 pounds off, plus about an extra 15 to get down to a weight I haven't been since the end of high school. It's a healthy weight for my height, and I've already started to see results - my cholesterol went down by about 30 points from March last year (yay!), and I may be able to go onto a lower dose antidepressant here soon.

Times are tough everywhere, for everyone it seems, STILL. But my aunt posted a great quote today: "God didn't bring me this far to just drop me off!" Something to remember when I can't quite take a step back to get a good look at the big picture.