Sorry, folks, another venting post. I apologize. I'll be brief.
First. My parents' 30th anniversary is on Monday, and we're having a little shindig on Saturday for them. I sent out 20 invites, probably 45 people in total, and I've heard back from 4. FOUR. People. Are. So. Rude. I remember being ticked at my wedding b/c we had a few people that showed up that hadn't rsvp'd, which actually turned out okay, b/c we had probably a dozen people who DID RSVP and DIDN'T show up.....and we had already paid, per head, for them. Peoples' etiquette really stink. I don't know if it's that people just forgot about it, or they're busy, or just rude, or (probably the case in some of my moms' family) that they'll never GET to a 30th anniversary, so they're bitter. People piss me off. Yes or no. That's all I need. So yes, tonight and tomorrow, I WILL be making those calls and putting people on the spot. Stupid.
Second. Work ethic. I feel like I have a really good work ethic. I turned 16 in mid-November and I was working part time through the Christmas that season selling candy. I had summer jobs until I was a senior in high school, and that year I started working a couple nights/ week through the school year. I didn't work my freshman year of college, but during summers and starting my sophomore year, I worked at least 30 hours per week while still carrying a full class load. After all of that, I felt pretty proud of my 3.33 GPA when I graduated. Anyway, I digress. I'll just say this. Karma is a bitch.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep....
....a prayer that, since I was just a little girl, I still say before drifting to sleep at night. It's usually quick and is usually a last thought before I truly fall asleep, but I say it - every night.
I subscribe to a wonderful devotion that sends daily emails.....Proverbs 31. It's phenomenal. It's not one of those long and drawn out emails you get with other sites - just short, simple, thought-provoking little tidbits that more often than not make me sit back and think....."huh."
Today's was no exception. It talked about how modern day people think of our days at rise, work then rest.....when in the Bible it says: “God called the light ‘day,’ and the darkness he called ‘night.’ And there was evening, and there was morning— the first day.” Genesis 1:5 (NIV)
Interesting. Rest, rise, work. So often during the day (weekdays especially), I so look forward to going to sleep. I adore sleep. I love naps. I love sleeping in. I love getting to rest and shut my brain down from a long day (easier said than done, sometimes!). How different would it be though, if when I laid down at night, I thought of the upcoming rest as another way for God to work through me? The lady who wrote this devotional said, "As I lie down, close my eyes, pray, and slip from consciousness, I do so with the understanding that it is God who holds everything together during my temporary absence from the world. And it’s Him who will continue to hold everything together when I rise and work in the coming daylight. At no point — day or night — am I independent of Him. He even has the power to direct my dreams should He desire."
Isn't that neat? I never really thought of sleep this way. I of all people know how much in control we like to be, to be in control of every thought, action, emotion. I think it's a very comforting thought that even in my most vulnerable state of being, God is there.......working through me, working in me. I am never alone, even in sleep. Even in rest.
This is an idea that has started kind of rolling around in my brain........kind of like a marble in a big box.....I'm not sure where these thoughts are going and I know I want to think about this some more....but for now, I just wanted to get some initial thoughts on paper (or keyboard).
God is so much bigger than I am. He's bigger than my marriage, He's bigger than my work life, He's bigger than all of our struggles & worries about money and babies and houses. He's bigger than those moments of my (too-often) doubting myself and my purpose in this life. He's bigger than my personal insecurities, He's bigger than all the mistakes I've made (even the really big big BIG mistake that almost cost me my marriage)......no matter how alone or how lonely or how sad or happy or glad or upset or ANYTHING I am or feel - He is there.
Why do I fight Him?
I subscribe to a wonderful devotion that sends daily emails.....Proverbs 31. It's phenomenal. It's not one of those long and drawn out emails you get with other sites - just short, simple, thought-provoking little tidbits that more often than not make me sit back and think....."huh."
Today's was no exception. It talked about how modern day people think of our days at rise, work then rest.....when in the Bible it says: “God called the light ‘day,’ and the darkness he called ‘night.’ And there was evening, and there was morning— the first day.” Genesis 1:5 (NIV)
Interesting. Rest, rise, work. So often during the day (weekdays especially), I so look forward to going to sleep. I adore sleep. I love naps. I love sleeping in. I love getting to rest and shut my brain down from a long day (easier said than done, sometimes!). How different would it be though, if when I laid down at night, I thought of the upcoming rest as another way for God to work through me? The lady who wrote this devotional said, "As I lie down, close my eyes, pray, and slip from consciousness, I do so with the understanding that it is God who holds everything together during my temporary absence from the world. And it’s Him who will continue to hold everything together when I rise and work in the coming daylight. At no point — day or night — am I independent of Him. He even has the power to direct my dreams should He desire."
Isn't that neat? I never really thought of sleep this way. I of all people know how much in control we like to be, to be in control of every thought, action, emotion. I think it's a very comforting thought that even in my most vulnerable state of being, God is there.......working through me, working in me. I am never alone, even in sleep. Even in rest.
This is an idea that has started kind of rolling around in my brain........kind of like a marble in a big box.....I'm not sure where these thoughts are going and I know I want to think about this some more....but for now, I just wanted to get some initial thoughts on paper (or keyboard).
God is so much bigger than I am. He's bigger than my marriage, He's bigger than my work life, He's bigger than all of our struggles & worries about money and babies and houses. He's bigger than those moments of my (too-often) doubting myself and my purpose in this life. He's bigger than my personal insecurities, He's bigger than all the mistakes I've made (even the really big big BIG mistake that almost cost me my marriage)......no matter how alone or how lonely or how sad or happy or glad or upset or ANYTHING I am or feel - He is there.
Why do I fight Him?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Weekend of Annoyances
I hate Sunday nights. I really do. You work so hard for 5 days just to get to that 2 days of freedom, and then they're over so fast! *Insert wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sound here.
Anyway. We had a very good, quiet weekend. For the first time in a month, we didn't spend half a Saturday gallavanting through 164 houses.......which while thats been fun, it was nice to not spend half a day with a realtor yesterday. Outside of the stifling weather, we had a nice couple of days just hanging out with each other. Just a couple little thorns to the weekend though........
1. Our pool. We live in a "ritzier" part of Columbus (taxes and school wise, we could never afford to buy a home here), but that doesn't mean that your everyday dub-t (white trash, haha) can't afford to live in the same apartments Chris and I do. For the last couple of weeks, everytime I or we have gone to our side of the complex's pool, it's like a family reunion or some party or a cookout or SOMETHING where SOMEONE has 186 kids running around and it's just TRASHY and STUPID. It's irritating that people who spend (way too much) money to live here can't just go relax and hang out without people treating the pool like it's their own private backyard. Today I finally gave up and drove to the main pool (1/2 mi down the road) that's attached to the clubhouse, and it was much better. Whatever. Only a few more weeks of summer-type pool weather left, and we won't be here next summer to deal with it.
2. People and their non-behaving kids in public. Seriously. I know, I know, we don't have kids, we can't talk until we do. Oh yes I can. Chris & I went to the Outback last night. Not a super ritzy place, but not a dollar-menu type place either, and what did we get for our money? Some good food as always.......and some unseen kid (with people in the bar area, of all places)....randomly, and OFTEN, SCREECHING. Screaming. Crying. Back to screeching. Not one time did we see parents try to walk around with the kid, take him or her outside, or even did we hear them trying to calm the child. My thought is that since it was 9:30 it was probably past the kid's bedtime, and it didn't sound like a little baby, but a small child who at least could have been hushed or given something to play with. $10 says the parents just ignored the kid, thinking that their darling child couldn't possibly have been annoying anyone. Even the waiters were apologizing to their tables. Insane. One word. Babysitters.
3. Foreign people. This is a touchy subject, and I'm not racist, not really. But seriously......Chris and I went ahead and did our grocery shopping last night at Walmart, and we were seriously the minority in the store. Somalians, Indians, Mexicans.....it gets old. It really does. It's not nice of me to say, and I know that. But seriously. You live in our country. We take showers here. And women aren't forced to wear 35 layers of clothing when it's 110* outside. And we speak English. I feel like I'm allowed to have a little liberty with this subject considering where I work. I deal with it everyday. And it is a much larger problem than I ever realized, but that's a whole other discussion.
4. This weather. I've said it for awhile and I'll keep saying that I'll take this over snow anyday, but really. Enough with the heat. It is enough to make you physically ill.
5. My car. My '99 Chevy Malibu is about to hit 146,000 miles and has served me well....but we use that car for everything. Not only do we take it to TH everytime we go there (500 miles roundtrip), but when we lived on the northeast side of town and I worked west, I drove that car, and now that we live on the northwest side and I work east, it's slowly but surely costing us money. Lots of it. Two new tires. New rotors, pads & calipers. New hub bearing. Exchanged rotors and pads. Over it. We may have to put off this house business for a little while b/c it's not going to last much longer. Chris would take over driving the Malibu and/ or Blazer, b/c it's not like either of them are worth anything to trade in and we just need a newer vehicle. We looked at a couple yesterday (in this disgusting heat) and found one in particular we liked, so we'll see. So many big things are coming up or being discussed that I kind of want to just go curl up in a corner in fetal position and cry, because I don't feel like we can do all these big things at once. Car, houses, babies? I just want to go back to Bethel (no preference, either house would do, although 1806 was nicer) and go be a teller everyday and have date nights with my then-boyfriend on Friday nights. Wahhhhhhhh.
6. Amy Winehouse is dead. At 27. Drug overdose, I'm sure. Don't even see the need to talk about it - just a wasted life. She was a hot mess in every sense of the term.
7. NFL Lockout is on day like 17247 and I'm over it. Get a deal done already. I'm definitely not one of those fans who's like "I have been turned OFF and I'm not watching one more game as long as I live," but seriously - they are fighting over billions of dollars. BILLIONS. I've said it before and I'll say it again - let a couple women get in there and negotiate. $10 says it would've been done in 2 weeks. Too much testosterone in those conference rooms. Get. It. Done. Preseason starts in 18 days and Dallas' opening Sunday Night game at the Jets is in.......7 weeks from today. From right now. 49 days. Get it going.
8. Big Brother 13. Sucked me in this year and I just want to punch Rachel in the face. It's one of those games that I think I'd be really good at........... ;-)
Fortunately, Chris & I had a really nice weekend together......not really doing anything spectacular but just being together....laughing and sleeping in and hanging out. I know that I take him for granted sometimes, but this weekend was a really good reminder of what a good man I married. :) <3
That is all. I'm ready to get this 4-day week over with and be home for a few days! So it's like tomorrow isn't even Monday, it's like it's Tuesday already......... ;-)
Anyway. We had a very good, quiet weekend. For the first time in a month, we didn't spend half a Saturday gallavanting through 164 houses.......which while thats been fun, it was nice to not spend half a day with a realtor yesterday. Outside of the stifling weather, we had a nice couple of days just hanging out with each other. Just a couple little thorns to the weekend though........
1. Our pool. We live in a "ritzier" part of Columbus (taxes and school wise, we could never afford to buy a home here), but that doesn't mean that your everyday dub-t (white trash, haha) can't afford to live in the same apartments Chris and I do. For the last couple of weeks, everytime I or we have gone to our side of the complex's pool, it's like a family reunion or some party or a cookout or SOMETHING where SOMEONE has 186 kids running around and it's just TRASHY and STUPID. It's irritating that people who spend (way too much) money to live here can't just go relax and hang out without people treating the pool like it's their own private backyard. Today I finally gave up and drove to the main pool (1/2 mi down the road) that's attached to the clubhouse, and it was much better. Whatever. Only a few more weeks of summer-type pool weather left, and we won't be here next summer to deal with it.
2. People and their non-behaving kids in public. Seriously. I know, I know, we don't have kids, we can't talk until we do. Oh yes I can. Chris & I went to the Outback last night. Not a super ritzy place, but not a dollar-menu type place either, and what did we get for our money? Some good food as always.......and some unseen kid (with people in the bar area, of all places)....randomly, and OFTEN, SCREECHING. Screaming. Crying. Back to screeching. Not one time did we see parents try to walk around with the kid, take him or her outside, or even did we hear them trying to calm the child. My thought is that since it was 9:30 it was probably past the kid's bedtime, and it didn't sound like a little baby, but a small child who at least could have been hushed or given something to play with. $10 says the parents just ignored the kid, thinking that their darling child couldn't possibly have been annoying anyone. Even the waiters were apologizing to their tables. Insane. One word. Babysitters.
3. Foreign people. This is a touchy subject, and I'm not racist, not really. But seriously......Chris and I went ahead and did our grocery shopping last night at Walmart, and we were seriously the minority in the store. Somalians, Indians, Mexicans.....it gets old. It really does. It's not nice of me to say, and I know that. But seriously. You live in our country. We take showers here. And women aren't forced to wear 35 layers of clothing when it's 110* outside. And we speak English. I feel like I'm allowed to have a little liberty with this subject considering where I work. I deal with it everyday. And it is a much larger problem than I ever realized, but that's a whole other discussion.
4. This weather. I've said it for awhile and I'll keep saying that I'll take this over snow anyday, but really. Enough with the heat. It is enough to make you physically ill.
5. My car. My '99 Chevy Malibu is about to hit 146,000 miles and has served me well....but we use that car for everything. Not only do we take it to TH everytime we go there (500 miles roundtrip), but when we lived on the northeast side of town and I worked west, I drove that car, and now that we live on the northwest side and I work east, it's slowly but surely costing us money. Lots of it. Two new tires. New rotors, pads & calipers. New hub bearing. Exchanged rotors and pads. Over it. We may have to put off this house business for a little while b/c it's not going to last much longer. Chris would take over driving the Malibu and/ or Blazer, b/c it's not like either of them are worth anything to trade in and we just need a newer vehicle. We looked at a couple yesterday (in this disgusting heat) and found one in particular we liked, so we'll see. So many big things are coming up or being discussed that I kind of want to just go curl up in a corner in fetal position and cry, because I don't feel like we can do all these big things at once. Car, houses, babies? I just want to go back to Bethel (no preference, either house would do, although 1806 was nicer) and go be a teller everyday and have date nights with my then-boyfriend on Friday nights. Wahhhhhhhh.
6. Amy Winehouse is dead. At 27. Drug overdose, I'm sure. Don't even see the need to talk about it - just a wasted life. She was a hot mess in every sense of the term.
7. NFL Lockout is on day like 17247 and I'm over it. Get a deal done already. I'm definitely not one of those fans who's like "I have been turned OFF and I'm not watching one more game as long as I live," but seriously - they are fighting over billions of dollars. BILLIONS. I've said it before and I'll say it again - let a couple women get in there and negotiate. $10 says it would've been done in 2 weeks. Too much testosterone in those conference rooms. Get. It. Done. Preseason starts in 18 days and Dallas' opening Sunday Night game at the Jets is in.......7 weeks from today. From right now. 49 days. Get it going.
8. Big Brother 13. Sucked me in this year and I just want to punch Rachel in the face. It's one of those games that I think I'd be really good at........... ;-)
Fortunately, Chris & I had a really nice weekend together......not really doing anything spectacular but just being together....laughing and sleeping in and hanging out. I know that I take him for granted sometimes, but this weekend was a really good reminder of what a good man I married. :) <3
That is all. I'm ready to get this 4-day week over with and be home for a few days! So it's like tomorrow isn't even Monday, it's like it's Tuesday already......... ;-)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Walk Softly & Carry a Big Stick
My new motto.
I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people causing drama, and I'm really just TIRED.
Work is insane.
I said today, and really quietly so no one could really hear me, but I said:
"I finally feel like I can breathe."
The last 3 months since I've moved branches has been HELL. They have literally been the fastest 3 months of my life. I'm finally getting to the bottom of some hellacious piles of CRAP and getting to do things MY way now.
My replacement at my old branch got canned which is probably for the best, but still makes me a little sad b/c I felt such ownership of that place. I knew all the customers, I knew the jobs, I knew all the guys, from Operations Managers down to crewmembers. Here I walk into a branch that's about 30% bigger and the branch is set up so I still don't even know all the supervisors' names. It hadn't a steady admin since about last February, so needless to say - lots of work to be done. My Branch Manager is just coming up on his 1st anniversary and the most "veteran" OM came in at the same time as me. We'll get there.....but it sure feels like everytime I get my arms around something, something else falls apart.
Houses........I think we found our number one favorite on Saturday. It's amazing and cute and in a good location...........and we've not done anything about it. Haven't called the lender, haven't called our realtor, haven't started pulling together documents. I may just be speaking for myself, but I'm scared shitless. It's so much less scary to just rent.........!!!
The summer is going by so so fast although it sure does seem like this heat wave is never going to break. Tomorrow's forecast: high of 98, heat index of 109. You don't shovel sunshine (haha, courtesy of one of my AOII sisters), but I don't really want to be out in this either.
Found out this week that yet another cousin is pregnant. Babies are everywere, that's for sure. The other girls in Columbus and I had a little lunch/ presents for Angie (one of my old OMs), who's due on August 16. She seriously looks like she's about halfway there......she's so little! She was really active before she got pregnant which helps I guess, but her job requires her to be running around all the time so that's helping too - she's adorable! Chris asked how the shower went and I said, "Good - makes me want babies!"
What else was I supposed to say? :)
Time for bed.....2 days til the weekend, then a 4-day workweek next week......then I'm going home for a 3-day weekend and my parents' 30th anniversary! ((Cue "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters here)) Can't WAIT!
I'm tired of people, I'm tired of people causing drama, and I'm really just TIRED.
Work is insane.
I said today, and really quietly so no one could really hear me, but I said:
"I finally feel like I can breathe."
The last 3 months since I've moved branches has been HELL. They have literally been the fastest 3 months of my life. I'm finally getting to the bottom of some hellacious piles of CRAP and getting to do things MY way now.
My replacement at my old branch got canned which is probably for the best, but still makes me a little sad b/c I felt such ownership of that place. I knew all the customers, I knew the jobs, I knew all the guys, from Operations Managers down to crewmembers. Here I walk into a branch that's about 30% bigger and the branch is set up so I still don't even know all the supervisors' names. It hadn't a steady admin since about last February, so needless to say - lots of work to be done. My Branch Manager is just coming up on his 1st anniversary and the most "veteran" OM came in at the same time as me. We'll get there.....but it sure feels like everytime I get my arms around something, something else falls apart.
Houses........I think we found our number one favorite on Saturday. It's amazing and cute and in a good location...........and we've not done anything about it. Haven't called the lender, haven't called our realtor, haven't started pulling together documents. I may just be speaking for myself, but I'm scared shitless. It's so much less scary to just rent.........!!!
The summer is going by so so fast although it sure does seem like this heat wave is never going to break. Tomorrow's forecast: high of 98, heat index of 109. You don't shovel sunshine (haha, courtesy of one of my AOII sisters), but I don't really want to be out in this either.
Found out this week that yet another cousin is pregnant. Babies are everywere, that's for sure. The other girls in Columbus and I had a little lunch/ presents for Angie (one of my old OMs), who's due on August 16. She seriously looks like she's about halfway there......she's so little! She was really active before she got pregnant which helps I guess, but her job requires her to be running around all the time so that's helping too - she's adorable! Chris asked how the shower went and I said, "Good - makes me want babies!"
What else was I supposed to say? :)
Time for bed.....2 days til the weekend, then a 4-day workweek next week......then I'm going home for a 3-day weekend and my parents' 30th anniversary! ((Cue "We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters here)) Can't WAIT!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Ducks
No, not the cute little "quack quack" ducks that you see at the park and feed bread to.
The ducks I speak of are all of the little things that have to be in some kind of order to make any kind of freaking decision or life changing move.
For instance - buying a house. Not only do we need to time it right with the end of our lease (God knows we don't need to be paying to live in 2 places at once), but we have to, oh yeah, FIND the place. Is it in a good neighborhood? Good schools (we're staying out of Columbus schools)? Taxes ok? Does it have a 2 car garage or only 1? Is it bigger than 1200 square feet? B/c we have a LOT of stuff. Basement? Basements are okay if the walls aren't bowing in. How old's the water heater? AC? Roof? So we find the place. Great. Make an offer. Get it inspected. Get it appraised. Do the paperwork. And oh yeah, even if we're lucky enough to find a house with sellers willing to help with closing costs, we need to show a lot of money in the el banco.
Having a baby. For something so little, they sure require a lot of prior thinking (or should require prior thinking....half of what's wrong with the world if you ask me, but that's a whole other conversation). If we got pregnant now, when would my maternity leave kick in? (April, by the way, in case you were wondering - right at the end of snow and beginning of mulch season. Yes please!! :)) Daycare expenses......baby STUFF.......would our parents be able to make it over here in time? We (I) say we're ready now, but are we really? Am I really ready to give up sleeping in on weekends? Going out to eat as often as we do (which isn't often to begin with)? Being able to grocery shop on a whim at 11pm on Saturdays so that our Sundays are free to sit by the pool? What about us? Are we ok? We've been through a lot in the last 34 months and some-weeks of marriage, but we seem to have made it out on the other side tested by fire and stronger because of it.
What if we get a house, have a baby, and all of a sudden Chris or I's job moves? Or we have to/ need to move closer to our parents (God forbid)?
I wish there was something I could do to keep my head from spinning with all of this. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thinking of babies in SOME way.....either a friend is having one (2 friends in the last week, probably a dozen already this year if I counted!), another friend is finding out they're having one (or a cousin - found out my cousin Kristi is pregnant with Baby #2! Ava, who will be 2 this September, is going to be a big sister!), I'm organizing showers for someone, stupid pregnancy tests come on TV EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL, books and clothes and toys and magazines are all but screaming: "HAVE A BABY!" - Mind you, though, it's not all of these things pressuring me into thinking we're ready. I really and truly do feel like this is it....this is our time to create a little person and be parents. But sheesh - talk about information overload.
Houses - we've been in someway searching or looking at houses for about a month now, and there is just so MUCH. So much to think about and ask about and talk about. Pros and cons. Good points & bad points. What can't we live without, and what can we live with?
Can I just move back home with my parents? Is it too late for that?
If so, time to go curl up in fetal position somewhere......
The ducks I speak of are all of the little things that have to be in some kind of order to make any kind of freaking decision or life changing move.
For instance - buying a house. Not only do we need to time it right with the end of our lease (God knows we don't need to be paying to live in 2 places at once), but we have to, oh yeah, FIND the place. Is it in a good neighborhood? Good schools (we're staying out of Columbus schools)? Taxes ok? Does it have a 2 car garage or only 1? Is it bigger than 1200 square feet? B/c we have a LOT of stuff. Basement? Basements are okay if the walls aren't bowing in. How old's the water heater? AC? Roof? So we find the place. Great. Make an offer. Get it inspected. Get it appraised. Do the paperwork. And oh yeah, even if we're lucky enough to find a house with sellers willing to help with closing costs, we need to show a lot of money in the el banco.
Having a baby. For something so little, they sure require a lot of prior thinking (or should require prior thinking....half of what's wrong with the world if you ask me, but that's a whole other conversation). If we got pregnant now, when would my maternity leave kick in? (April, by the way, in case you were wondering - right at the end of snow and beginning of mulch season. Yes please!! :)) Daycare expenses......baby STUFF.......would our parents be able to make it over here in time? We (I) say we're ready now, but are we really? Am I really ready to give up sleeping in on weekends? Going out to eat as often as we do (which isn't often to begin with)? Being able to grocery shop on a whim at 11pm on Saturdays so that our Sundays are free to sit by the pool? What about us? Are we ok? We've been through a lot in the last 34 months and some-weeks of marriage, but we seem to have made it out on the other side tested by fire and stronger because of it.
What if we get a house, have a baby, and all of a sudden Chris or I's job moves? Or we have to/ need to move closer to our parents (God forbid)?
I wish there was something I could do to keep my head from spinning with all of this. A day doesn't go by that I'm not thinking of babies in SOME way.....either a friend is having one (2 friends in the last week, probably a dozen already this year if I counted!), another friend is finding out they're having one (or a cousin - found out my cousin Kristi is pregnant with Baby #2! Ava, who will be 2 this September, is going to be a big sister!), I'm organizing showers for someone, stupid pregnancy tests come on TV EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL, books and clothes and toys and magazines are all but screaming: "HAVE A BABY!" - Mind you, though, it's not all of these things pressuring me into thinking we're ready. I really and truly do feel like this is it....this is our time to create a little person and be parents. But sheesh - talk about information overload.
Houses - we've been in someway searching or looking at houses for about a month now, and there is just so MUCH. So much to think about and ask about and talk about. Pros and cons. Good points & bad points. What can't we live without, and what can we live with?
Can I just move back home with my parents? Is it too late for that?
If so, time to go curl up in fetal position somewhere......
Monday, July 11, 2011
No Baby
I think Mother Nature is a sneaky little bitch who I really think just gets her jollies off messing with peoples' heads. Seriously.
I've been off the pill since March, and off my happy pills (Zoloft) for about a month now.
We've been preventing, but not doing a really good job of it...had we been in high school or college still with this behavior, I would've been pregnant 35 times over by now.
A couple months ago, probably April-ish/ May, I was late...convinced myself that go figure, we weren't even trying, and here we go. Late, late, late....the night before I was going to take a test, I had this dream - VIVID dream - that my test was positive. One of those dreams that was so lifelike you wake up and have to remember that your dream is not, in fact, reality. That test, obviously, was negative.
Fast forward to last week. Convinced myself, yet AGAIN, that this was it. We had one of those nights a couple weeks ago that I just knew we were completely safe - except googling it a couple days later....just about the highest-risk time during the month except the days right around mid-cycle. I was really overthinking the whole thing and even got sucked into the baby aisle at Barnes & Noble Saturday night, flipping through "What to Expect when You're Expecting," (I didn't buy it though). Reading through the symptoms, I was conVINced. Overly tired? Yes. Heavy feeling in the the lower abdomen? Yes. Constantly feeling dehydrated? Yes. Weird appetite?
Just now though, I have to chalk all of that up to last week was yet another stressful, 5-days-crammed-into-4 month end week, its been hotter than hell outside and I haven't ran in way too long.
No baby.
I know we're not really trying, and we have lots of time....but I'm ready. I'm ready now. I try to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I can't help being disappointed and sad for something that never existed. I know our time will come and we have a LOT going on in the next 6-8 weeks that will make August 30 (my do-or-die day) come really fast.
But right now, I'm sad.
Bedtime.
I've been off the pill since March, and off my happy pills (Zoloft) for about a month now.
We've been preventing, but not doing a really good job of it...had we been in high school or college still with this behavior, I would've been pregnant 35 times over by now.
A couple months ago, probably April-ish/ May, I was late...convinced myself that go figure, we weren't even trying, and here we go. Late, late, late....the night before I was going to take a test, I had this dream - VIVID dream - that my test was positive. One of those dreams that was so lifelike you wake up and have to remember that your dream is not, in fact, reality. That test, obviously, was negative.
Fast forward to last week. Convinced myself, yet AGAIN, that this was it. We had one of those nights a couple weeks ago that I just knew we were completely safe - except googling it a couple days later....just about the highest-risk time during the month except the days right around mid-cycle. I was really overthinking the whole thing and even got sucked into the baby aisle at Barnes & Noble Saturday night, flipping through "What to Expect when You're Expecting," (I didn't buy it though). Reading through the symptoms, I was conVINced. Overly tired? Yes. Heavy feeling in the the lower abdomen? Yes. Constantly feeling dehydrated? Yes. Weird appetite?
Just now though, I have to chalk all of that up to last week was yet another stressful, 5-days-crammed-into-4 month end week, its been hotter than hell outside and I haven't ran in way too long.
No baby.
I know we're not really trying, and we have lots of time....but I'm ready. I'm ready now. I try to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I can't help being disappointed and sad for something that never existed. I know our time will come and we have a LOT going on in the next 6-8 weeks that will make August 30 (my do-or-die day) come really fast.
But right now, I'm sad.
Bedtime.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Epic. Fail.
I hate when people use the word "epic." "Dude, that was an EPIC night!" "Wow, what an epic movie." "I drove my car into a pole. And I was sober. Epic fail."
I HATE THAT. Epic is used all too often, and 99.9% of the time, used completely incorrectly. Or in the wrong instances. Epic, 9 times out of 10, refers to a poem.....but the 4th definition on dictionary.com is this:
ep·ic
[ep-ik]
–adjective
4. of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.
Of unusally great size or extent. Add that to failure. And you get....
The verdict in today's Casey Anthony trial.
1st degree murder: not guilty. Aggraveted manslaughter of a child: not guilty. Providing false information to a law officer: guilty.
Seriously??? I can't even wrap my head around this. As she listened to the verdict, her face just was disbelief. Then tears. THEN A SMILE!??!!?
This woman, who I say I COMPLTELY BELIVE IS GUILTY AS SIN, is now going to be allowed to walk free. She's free! She can do whatever she wants! She can go back to getting tattoos and going partying, and drinking, and all those things she did when poor Caylee was "missing" because SOMEHOW, our legal system has failed. AGAIN (see October 1995). My heart broke at work as I watched the news come through.....not even so much for Caylee (although that poor little girl.....I hope when she died it was fast), but for this supposed GREAT American justice system. We live in the greatest country in the world and I'm thankful that I live here.....but the system backfired, big time, today. SOMEONE was paid off and I'm convinced of that. I just can't believe that 12 jurors (7 of them women), all sane, working, contributing members of society, actually THOUGHT this woman is innocent. I just can't believe it.
My mom brought up a great point today when we were rehashing it on my way home. In this country, you are better off as a DOG than a child. Look at Michael Vick. He may play for my most hated team in the NFL, but you know what? He served TWENTY-ONE months plus another 2 months of home confinement for "Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture." Almost TWO YEARS for DOG FIGHTING.
I love animals. I really do. But they're not children. And it is really sad when this country has more protection over four-legged animals than they do children. That poor, poor baby.
Facebook about blew up today. Just some of the thoughts floating around in my world on facebook.....
I can't believe this!!! NOT GUILTY! I'm so disappointed!! IQ tests for jurors should be a necessity! Come on!
Hey Casey Anthony jury.... hope you feel good about decision. You have to live with it the rest of your life.
I'm just gonna say ANYBODY who fails to report their 2 yr old MISSING for 31 days is damn well guilty of something beyond a reasonable doubt
Is it April 1st? Hmmm... seems like bad joke is being played on all of us #notguiltymya$$
Wow. Flashback to October 3, 1995...
In total disbelief that they found Casey Anthony Not Guilty on Murder or Aggragvated Manslaughter, yet guilty on providing false information. What about hiding the death of her daughter for 30 days???? Her own parents walked out. And so now she gets out!!! She WILL answer to a higher power, just not soon enough. God forgive me for feeling this way.
OJ 2.0
American citizens will help Casey Anthony settle in just fine...She is such a joke and will get what she deserves one way or another! I cant imagine all the hate mail/ dirty looks/death threats/bad service she is gonna get for the rest of her life!!! Can you imagine when she walks into a restaraunt or store....
Casey Anthony should get the Sixth Amendment tattooed on her face. It certainly saved her life.
I am sure that Casey's lawyers are trying to get body guards for her lined up - that is why they did not ask for her to be released immediately - they know that there will be "street justice" heaped upon her!
When the verdict was read Casey's face said it all! She was shocked she was found NOT guilty! There may have been gaps but Im sorry I was young when I had Kiley [18] and I missed out on things but I would never kill my child to have a good time and I would know if she was missing!!! The justice system is messed up and this is why I do not own a gun!!!
Maybe instead of having 12 people decide her fate, they should have polls where we can call/text in like American Idol. Ridiculous!
I would love to know just exactly who that jury believes is guilty! What info are the rest of us missing here?!
Praying for Caylee. Not guilty, I'm not so sure.
I am disgusted by the verdict of the Casey Anthony trial. This is the OJ Simpson of this decade. The fact that a 2 year old can die and be thrown in a woods and no one pay the price is a true disgrace. Amazing how we live in a country that continues to reward people who lie, who live immorally and selfishly, who see children as objects. Buy a lotto ticket, Casey.
Are you kidding me? Wow the system has failed on this one.
And the one word that sums up this whole, big, stupid world:
Unreal.
I HATE THAT. Epic is used all too often, and 99.9% of the time, used completely incorrectly. Or in the wrong instances. Epic, 9 times out of 10, refers to a poem.....but the 4th definition on dictionary.com is this:
ep·ic
[ep-ik]
–adjective
4. of unusually great size or extent: a crime wave of epic proportions.
Of unusally great size or extent. Add that to failure. And you get....
The verdict in today's Casey Anthony trial.
1st degree murder: not guilty. Aggraveted manslaughter of a child: not guilty. Providing false information to a law officer: guilty.
Seriously??? I can't even wrap my head around this. As she listened to the verdict, her face just was disbelief. Then tears. THEN A SMILE!??!!?
This woman, who I say I COMPLTELY BELIVE IS GUILTY AS SIN, is now going to be allowed to walk free. She's free! She can do whatever she wants! She can go back to getting tattoos and going partying, and drinking, and all those things she did when poor Caylee was "missing" because SOMEHOW, our legal system has failed. AGAIN (see October 1995). My heart broke at work as I watched the news come through.....not even so much for Caylee (although that poor little girl.....I hope when she died it was fast), but for this supposed GREAT American justice system. We live in the greatest country in the world and I'm thankful that I live here.....but the system backfired, big time, today. SOMEONE was paid off and I'm convinced of that. I just can't believe that 12 jurors (7 of them women), all sane, working, contributing members of society, actually THOUGHT this woman is innocent. I just can't believe it.
My mom brought up a great point today when we were rehashing it on my way home. In this country, you are better off as a DOG than a child. Look at Michael Vick. He may play for my most hated team in the NFL, but you know what? He served TWENTY-ONE months plus another 2 months of home confinement for "Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture." Almost TWO YEARS for DOG FIGHTING.
I love animals. I really do. But they're not children. And it is really sad when this country has more protection over four-legged animals than they do children. That poor, poor baby.
Facebook about blew up today. Just some of the thoughts floating around in my world on facebook.....
I can't believe this!!! NOT GUILTY! I'm so disappointed!! IQ tests for jurors should be a necessity! Come on!
Hey Casey Anthony jury.... hope you feel good about decision. You have to live with it the rest of your life.
I'm just gonna say ANYBODY who fails to report their 2 yr old MISSING for 31 days is damn well guilty of something beyond a reasonable doubt
Is it April 1st? Hmmm... seems like bad joke is being played on all of us #notguiltymya$$
Wow. Flashback to October 3, 1995...
In total disbelief that they found Casey Anthony Not Guilty on Murder or Aggragvated Manslaughter, yet guilty on providing false information. What about hiding the death of her daughter for 30 days???? Her own parents walked out. And so now she gets out!!! She WILL answer to a higher power, just not soon enough. God forgive me for feeling this way.
OJ 2.0
American citizens will help Casey Anthony settle in just fine...She is such a joke and will get what she deserves one way or another! I cant imagine all the hate mail/ dirty looks/death threats/bad service she is gonna get for the rest of her life!!! Can you imagine when she walks into a restaraunt or store....
Casey Anthony should get the Sixth Amendment tattooed on her face. It certainly saved her life.
I am sure that Casey's lawyers are trying to get body guards for her lined up - that is why they did not ask for her to be released immediately - they know that there will be "street justice" heaped upon her!
When the verdict was read Casey's face said it all! She was shocked she was found NOT guilty! There may have been gaps but Im sorry I was young when I had Kiley [18] and I missed out on things but I would never kill my child to have a good time and I would know if she was missing!!! The justice system is messed up and this is why I do not own a gun!!!
Maybe instead of having 12 people decide her fate, they should have polls where we can call/text in like American Idol. Ridiculous!
I would love to know just exactly who that jury believes is guilty! What info are the rest of us missing here?!
Praying for Caylee. Not guilty, I'm not so sure.
I am disgusted by the verdict of the Casey Anthony trial. This is the OJ Simpson of this decade. The fact that a 2 year old can die and be thrown in a woods and no one pay the price is a true disgrace. Amazing how we live in a country that continues to reward people who lie, who live immorally and selfishly, who see children as objects. Buy a lotto ticket, Casey.
Are you kidding me? Wow the system has failed on this one.
And the one word that sums up this whole, big, stupid world:
Unreal.
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