Better

I'm feeling a little better today.  A little less....unglued.  A little more together.  A little less unhinged.

(Work and all of the guys I work with may put me in the looney bin, but that's another story.  I got through the day without strangling anyone, and for that I deserve a big bonus!)

I've decided I just have to go about my life like normal.  And then, when (not if, when) we do get pregnant, then I'll make adjustments.

That being said, I think I'm 90% talked into running the mini again next year.  Columbus or Indy, I don't know yet, but it was a nice goal to work towards the first time, and this second time, I'd love to run it faster than I did last time.  I'd LOVE to run it in about 2:10 (a steady 10 minute pace), but anything under 2:30 I'd be thrilled with.  We'll see.

A guy from work also brought me the Insanity dvd's.  I've heard a few people that have had great results from it, and it would be something else to a) get myself into shape and b) feel better about myself and c) get my mind off of everything.  It's supposed to be pretty intense, but I need a good challenge.

I ALSO think I may start selling Scentsy soon.  Don't know what Scentsy is?  You will soon!  :)  I LOVE their stuff and, unlike 31, hasn't really taken off here yet (ie, everyone and their mom isn't selling it yet).  Also unlike 31, people can run out of products, so the opportunities for selling are a lot higher.  Maybe.  I haven't quite decided, but I'm leaning towards it.

...."hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Horrible, No Good Person

I'm going to be an aunt in June.  Hopefully this time around it is a better outcome than the last (as opposed to a miscarriage at 9 weeks, fetus was only 3 weeks)....but today they finally heard and saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 6 weeks (although the calendar says about 9 weeks).

I heard the news from Chris and I burst into tears.  And didn't stop crying for a good half hour.  Fortunately, she knows how I feel and is sympathetic to what I'm going through and didn't call me this time.  I did text her.  I'm excited for her, but I am devastated for me.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

This isn't fair.  I don't want to adopt a baby.  I want my OWN.  I was put on this earth to be a Mom.  And not a Mom of someone else's baby, my own.  I want a little piece of Chris and me walking around.

I'm just asking for one.  That's all I want.  I won't be greedy and ask for a 2nd one.

Just one happy, healthy baby.  That's all I want.  All I can think about. 

I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  Tired of that sinking feeling in my heart everytime I see another baby picture or announcement on facebook, tired of feeling like an awful person b/c the first feeling I feel isn't happiness, it's sheer & utter jealousy and wanting.

But I can't help it.  I wonder at what point it's time to just hang it up for awhile.

I don't know.  I'm just sad.  And I'm tired of saying "I'll be okay."  or "I'll be fine." 

Because I'm not.  I'm not okay.  I'm not fine. 

I don't even.

I always have such good intentions of writing in here.....interesting things do happen to me on occasion.....but I just never do.  And then I'm stuck trying to shove the last month of my life into one novelish blog for posterity.  It doesn't work.

Let's see.  My life in the last month?

Hertz (car rentals) gave me, possibly, the most horrible customer service experience imaginable last weekend.  I highly do NOT recommend them.  Even if you have to walk to get where you're going b/c they're the last cars on earth, don't do it.  Awful.

I have no branch manager at my work until mid January.  He was picked to be part of a team set up by our new CEO (for the first time in over 70 years, a Brickman is not holding that position) to evaluate parts of our business, and is traveling Mondays through Thursdays, and working from home Fridays.  So - that hasn't been fun.  I really do enjoy working for my boss, and with him, and since our offices are separated by only a set of French doors that are normally open, I'm actually kind of lonely without him around!  I'm also afraid he's never coming back..........lots of drama in the 10 days since hes been gone, and I just don't know.  I'm anxious to see what will happen in the next 6 to 12 months, and what will change.  This new CEO does not mess around, and I think a lot of the old processes and rules will be out the door.  But until then.....operations has support, sales has support, and poor me just has to hang in there.  (Feel sorry for me yet?)

Thanksgiving is 5 weeks from today.  What????

Cowboys are 2-3 and I'm disgusted by them.  I'm picking against them for the rest of the year.

But at least the Cardinals are in the postseason and are just 2 games away from another WS appearance.  Go Redbirds!

And this baby business.  I don't even know.  It has been a very rough couple of days.  I was supposed to start Friday.  Nothing Friday.  Nothing Saturday.  Nothing Sunday morning.  I would've gotten my hopes up, except my routine bloodwork last month showed my progesterone levels dropped from 20 to 9.7.  Nevertheless, I was still sad when I did start......and then Monday was just AWFUL.  A good friend/ sorority sister/ former roommate had her baby girl Sunday night.  Another longtime friend (think since 2nd grade) had her baby boy Monday afternoon.  I broke down no less than 4x at work on Monday....I just couldn't get a grip (seriously, get a GRIP). 

It's not that I'm not happy for my friends (those 2 + the 4 other friends [yes, I'm dead serious, 6 total friends with babies since Sunday]), but I just want a baby SO BADLY.  Chris & I are READY.  We are stable.  We will love a child SO much.  I want my parents to know the joy of being grandparents.  And it's just not fair.  14 months have gone by.   I should have a 5 month old in my arms right now, but I don't.  Every month I just count up another month........at this point we're talking July baby, but I'm not holding my breath for that either........I'm off Clomid for the next 2 months to give my body a break (thank you sweet Jesus), and then December we start Clomid + IUI.  We'll see.  It's hard though - so hard.  I just don't understand how other people can make it so EASY.  It's just biology....science has to take over eventually, right??

So anyway - it'll be nice to not have to deal with the hot flashes and mood swings with Clomid this month, but I'm also not too sure how high my chances really are, so just trying to hang in there.  Pray for us, please.  It is so HARD to just not know.....I'd never wish for a miscarriage, ever, but then at least I'd have some clue that my body knew what it is SUPPOSED to be doing.  At this point, the what-ifs start to take over. 

Outside of that.......trying to not let babies take over our life........getting back into running - ran a 5K with Mom on Saturday - wanted to run a 10:00 pace and ran about a 10:40 which I wasn't too unhappy with.  On the upside of these next two months, hopefully I can get myself back into a decent shape and get some of these pounds off.  It can only help.  :-/

Oh.  And November 6 is only 19 days away.  It cannot come soon enough.  People + politics + social media.  Always a good time.