I haven't done a brain dump in awhile. In fact, I think I gave it up after like 2.1 times of writing them....I suck. Oh well.......here goes.
1. Last couple of weeks have been whiny, crabby, cranky, and just generally pissed off at the world. At home, at work, on here....it hasn't been pretty. I apologize. The mix of the busiest spring in my history of springs at Brickman - my 4th one so far (partly due to all of my new responsibilities and partly due to the fact that we started mowing in MARCH), all the traveling I/ we've been doing (even the weekend we "got away" for a night was still one less day to get anything done around the house), and this whole baby business has just about put me in the damn loony bin. This week has been better, though. Catching up at work (kind of....and keep that quiet. Don't need anyone to know that I've actually had a free minute here and there to file AP and billing from......February??) and at home has made me more relaxed. Kind of.
2. Officially started my first round of Clomid on Saturday. I've gotten very saavy at all this fertility-talk which I'm not really that happy about (I'd much rather my body just do what it's supposed to without any real mental input from me, but that's not how this is going to work, apparently)....but my progesterone levels came back last month lower than they'd like, so that's what this med will do (force my body to actually ovulate, unlike what it hasn't been doing for 9 months now). Besides the side effects I've already dealt with (some nausea and oh-my-freaking-gosh-I-need-to-peel-off-my-skin-or-I-will-burn-alive hot flashes), it also raises your chances of twins by 10% or so. Chris was thrilled with that news, especially since twins run in my family anyway. We'll see.......the thought that this month could really be it (trying not to get my hopes up) is terrifying and exciting all at once. Stay tuned.....
3. Well, I say stay tuned, but we will not be telling ANYONE (outside of family and pertinent other people) if/ when that day comes until we are 11571% sure we have a real, live, healthy baby in there. Like....the 8 week appointment or even after that. Some sad news we got last week just confirmed my thought that telling people too early may not be a jinx (God's plan and all that), but it definitely just makes it that much harder and sadder to tell everyone if you lose the baby. Without going into too much detail, it turns out Chris and I WON'T be an aunt/ uncle again....not in November, anyway. It sucks and it's sad and I teared up on the phone with my SIL at work last Wednesday when I talked to her, and I just didn't know what to say (I know....there is nothing you CAN say). Like other people I know, she went in for her first "real" baby appointment....no heartbeat.....yup. So, it sucks that we live so far away and I feel awful for even having kind-of-sad/ jealous feelings when she told us all that she was pregnant.....but....sorry, friends. Any bun of mine will be nice and snuggled in for the long haul by the time anyone knows. So......pray for us, and pray for my SIL, ok? All 3 of you who read this....
4. We have 2 more days of this week to get through, then Chris & I are taking next Friday off, and then the following Monday is Memorial Day, which means a 4-day weekend and I CANNOT WAIT. We'll be going home to TH as always - Mom & Dad always have a big cookout for Anthony's bday/ the holiday and we'll be spending lots of time with family and traveling between houses, but I'm looking forward to some time away from work and just (hopefully) relaxing and taking our minds off everything. Who else can't believe it is MAY FREAKING 16TH ALREADY?!?
I think that's about all I've got for now. Going to cook dinner and eat on the patio.......l-o-ving this weather!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I can't sleep. I am stressed out.
I can't catch nor keep up at work. Everyday flies by with barely time for bathroom breaks, let alone lunches away from my desk. I'm doing the work of 2 (at least) people, not to mention wearing the many hats of other positions at whatever time they're needed in the branch (Controller? Got it. Branch manager? On it. Operations/ Account Manager? Sure, why not).
I can't stay on top of my measly 1100 square foot house. There is always something. Laundry to do. Bathroom to clean. Floors to vacuum. Things to put away. Chris tells me to just relax, but I am becoming more like my mother everyday - I find it almost impossible to relax unless my surroundings are in a somewhat organized state.
I am trying to be healthier, but it's hard to have motivation to do anything after another 10-12 hour workday. I know it would help, but collapsing on the couch is about my only option at 4, 5, 6pm at night.
I am quickly unraveling and I am at a loss of what to do about it. Maybe going off the anti-anxiety/antidepressants last March (in hopes of an impending pregnancy) wasn't the greatest idea. I'm completely off balance.
Help!!! :(
I can't catch nor keep up at work. Everyday flies by with barely time for bathroom breaks, let alone lunches away from my desk. I'm doing the work of 2 (at least) people, not to mention wearing the many hats of other positions at whatever time they're needed in the branch (Controller? Got it. Branch manager? On it. Operations/ Account Manager? Sure, why not).
I can't stay on top of my measly 1100 square foot house. There is always something. Laundry to do. Bathroom to clean. Floors to vacuum. Things to put away. Chris tells me to just relax, but I am becoming more like my mother everyday - I find it almost impossible to relax unless my surroundings are in a somewhat organized state.
I am trying to be healthier, but it's hard to have motivation to do anything after another 10-12 hour workday. I know it would help, but collapsing on the couch is about my only option at 4, 5, 6pm at night.
I am quickly unraveling and I am at a loss of what to do about it. Maybe going off the anti-anxiety/antidepressants last March (in hopes of an impending pregnancy) wasn't the greatest idea. I'm completely off balance.
Help!!! :(
Saturday, May 5, 2012
It's Hard.
It's hard.
It's hard when a member of your family calls you with another piece of cool news about the impending arrival of your niece or nephew (in ~ 6.5 months) ((in this case, her blood type makes it necessary to run certain tests at her first appointment, one of which can tell the sex of the baby with 100% certainty at 12 weeks)).
It's hard getting on facebook and yet another friend, sorority sister, family acquaintance, has announced their happy news.
It's hard walking through a store and past the baby section knowing you have no place there yet.
It's hard walking ANYWHERE and watching someone that is 10 years your junior push her child(ren) through the mall, store, parking lot.............no ring on her finger, none of the kids dressed appropriately for the current weather, tattoos & piercings EVERYWHERE, smoking, as she yells at one of the kids to SHUT THE HELL UP. (Seriously, how are people like that allowed to reproduce?)
It's hard knowing that for once in your life you can't gloat that you were right. Everyone whose been telling us for 9 months now to "just relax and that it'll happen in its own time" is full of crap and I can't even be happy that everyone has been WRONG. Results came back from my bloodwork last Monday and as I KNEW, a level is off (progesterone). So..........what does that mean? Next cycle: Clomid. Keeping fingers crossed. And hoping that someday very soon, that 2% of me that is selfish and self-pitying and just generally not nice will no longer have a place in my head & heart.
It's hard when a member of your family calls you with another piece of cool news about the impending arrival of your niece or nephew (in ~ 6.5 months) ((in this case, her blood type makes it necessary to run certain tests at her first appointment, one of which can tell the sex of the baby with 100% certainty at 12 weeks)).
It's hard getting on facebook and yet another friend, sorority sister, family acquaintance, has announced their happy news.
It's hard walking through a store and past the baby section knowing you have no place there yet.
It's hard walking ANYWHERE and watching someone that is 10 years your junior push her child(ren) through the mall, store, parking lot.............no ring on her finger, none of the kids dressed appropriately for the current weather, tattoos & piercings EVERYWHERE, smoking, as she yells at one of the kids to SHUT THE HELL UP. (Seriously, how are people like that allowed to reproduce?)
It's hard knowing that for once in your life you can't gloat that you were right. Everyone whose been telling us for 9 months now to "just relax and that it'll happen in its own time" is full of crap and I can't even be happy that everyone has been WRONG. Results came back from my bloodwork last Monday and as I KNEW, a level is off (progesterone). So..........what does that mean? Next cycle: Clomid. Keeping fingers crossed. And hoping that someday very soon, that 2% of me that is selfish and self-pitying and just generally not nice will no longer have a place in my head & heart.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sigh.
So much for my weekly updates. I suck.
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday Brain Dump, 2 days late
I actually haven't done one of these in 2 weeks...........just goes to show you how exciting my life is!
Actually, last weekend I didn't really write anything b/c I had dropped Chris off at the airport Friday morning knowing he wouldn't be back til Wednesday....didn't really want to advertise that I was going to be home alone for 5 days, even on this seldom-read-by-anyone blog.
Also last weekend, I was sick. AGAIN. It started kind of on Friday with the sorta-itchy ears, sorta-itchy throat, nothing too serious and didn't think much about it. Saturday it wasn't too bad either, got a little bit of work done around the house but not really that much since I slept so badly Friday night (sleeping in the house by myself made me a little more nervous than I cared to admit), and by Sunday I was resigned to the couch for the entire day. Saturday night and Sunday night both I slept like crap but dragged myself to work Monday since we'd had 2 snow events the week before and I knew I would have snow timesheets and billing ALL over my desk. I somehow made it through the day, only to have an AWFUL night Monday night (woke up at 10:15, then again at 2am; at that point I was pretty sure both eardrums were about to burst they hurt so bad........was up til 4 laying on a heating pad......) and go in late Tuesday. By Wednesday I felt slightly more human but by Thursday the sore throat and everything else was still sticking around, so I gave in and went to the doctor. Sinus infection. Lovely. This has been the worst winter EVER for a lot of people I know for sicknesses (20 degrees and snowing to the next day being 50 and sunny, then the next day 40 and rain....)! Insane! I'm on day 4 of antibiotics and am still really tired and wrung out but feel a lot better than I did.
Yesterday was pretty exciting - we FINALLY decided on some new front room furniture!!! It really stinks b/c it'll take about a month to come in (stupid Chinese New Year), but it will totally be worth the wait. I can't wait to get it all here and get rid of all our old mismatching stuff. Slowly but surely all this stuff in our house is OURS and not just hand-me-downs from friends, etc! We were able to get a great deal - we got the couch, loveseat, rocking recliner AND a coffee table/ 2 end tables for the price we originally were just going to buy a sectional with, so it worked out.
Also, last night, we went to the Melting Pot for a belated V-Day dinner. I LOVEEEEEE that place....since it's so pricey we definitely don't go there often (we counted and last night was #4 in the 9+ years we've been together), but as always it was so good and just nice to have a quiet, intimate dinner - also, dressing up is always fun for dinners like that!
Other than that..........not much happening. I'm going home to Terre Haute this weekend to spend Friday night and Saturday with my parents and Anthony, then Sunday, my mom and I are going down to E-ville to meet up with my sister for her birthday and go to the Lady Antebellum concert that night. We're then staying Sunday night down there and I'm taking Monday off, so it'll be a nice little weekend away from work. I love girls' weekends!
What else what else.............not a thing. Happy Sunday!
Actually, last weekend I didn't really write anything b/c I had dropped Chris off at the airport Friday morning knowing he wouldn't be back til Wednesday....didn't really want to advertise that I was going to be home alone for 5 days, even on this seldom-read-by-anyone blog.
Also last weekend, I was sick. AGAIN. It started kind of on Friday with the sorta-itchy ears, sorta-itchy throat, nothing too serious and didn't think much about it. Saturday it wasn't too bad either, got a little bit of work done around the house but not really that much since I slept so badly Friday night (sleeping in the house by myself made me a little more nervous than I cared to admit), and by Sunday I was resigned to the couch for the entire day. Saturday night and Sunday night both I slept like crap but dragged myself to work Monday since we'd had 2 snow events the week before and I knew I would have snow timesheets and billing ALL over my desk. I somehow made it through the day, only to have an AWFUL night Monday night (woke up at 10:15, then again at 2am; at that point I was pretty sure both eardrums were about to burst they hurt so bad........was up til 4 laying on a heating pad......) and go in late Tuesday. By Wednesday I felt slightly more human but by Thursday the sore throat and everything else was still sticking around, so I gave in and went to the doctor. Sinus infection. Lovely. This has been the worst winter EVER for a lot of people I know for sicknesses (20 degrees and snowing to the next day being 50 and sunny, then the next day 40 and rain....)! Insane! I'm on day 4 of antibiotics and am still really tired and wrung out but feel a lot better than I did.
Yesterday was pretty exciting - we FINALLY decided on some new front room furniture!!! It really stinks b/c it'll take about a month to come in (stupid Chinese New Year), but it will totally be worth the wait. I can't wait to get it all here and get rid of all our old mismatching stuff. Slowly but surely all this stuff in our house is OURS and not just hand-me-downs from friends, etc! We were able to get a great deal - we got the couch, loveseat, rocking recliner AND a coffee table/ 2 end tables for the price we originally were just going to buy a sectional with, so it worked out.
Also, last night, we went to the Melting Pot for a belated V-Day dinner. I LOVEEEEEE that place....since it's so pricey we definitely don't go there often (we counted and last night was #4 in the 9+ years we've been together), but as always it was so good and just nice to have a quiet, intimate dinner - also, dressing up is always fun for dinners like that!
Other than that..........not much happening. I'm going home to Terre Haute this weekend to spend Friday night and Saturday with my parents and Anthony, then Sunday, my mom and I are going down to E-ville to meet up with my sister for her birthday and go to the Lady Antebellum concert that night. We're then staying Sunday night down there and I'm taking Monday off, so it'll be a nice little weekend away from work. I love girls' weekends!
What else what else.............not a thing. Happy Sunday!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Some People Change
Something has changed, and recently. I can't really put my finger on it....there has been no "ah-ha!" moment in the last week or so, there hasn't been an incident that made me change my thinking......I don't know what it is. But....I'm just....happier. I don't know. I've not really been....down? lately, just the "same shit, different day" attitude. The same 'ole routine, day in and day out.
But now....something is different. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I feel....I don't know.
I guess the biggest thing is I'm just done with negativity. Done. Life is too short. Done with negative people, done with negative attitudes. I don't need that in my life. No one does.
Instead of being tired and grumpy in the morning, I'm taking on the attitude that at least I have a job, and I'm good at that job. Instead of being aggravated and impatient in line just now at the store b/c this little old man was taking FOREVER (and the fact he couldn't hear wasn't helping), I thought to myself....'that is someone's Dad. How will you want people to react when this is potentially YOUR dad in 30 or 40 years?'. Instead of scowling back at the McDonald's drive through girl this morning, I wished her a nice day and drove off. Not meanly, not kill-her-with-kindness mentality, just, "have a good day!"
It's hard for me to think like that. Those of you who know me know I'm Ms. Guilty-til-they're-proven-innocent. I think people as a general population are slow, lazy & generally useless. But you know what? I can't control everyone. I can't make everyone like me. This new attitude may not be so easy sometime down the road, and that's okay. But I'm trying. I'm making the effort.
No more negativity. No more feeding OFF of negativity, which is my biggest struggle. Have something mean to say about someone else? Go talk to someone else. Want to complain to me about your day? What are you doing to change it? Want to whine about how unfair a, b, c is? Well, life isn't always fair.
This is the new me, and it feels good.
But now....something is different. I feel happier. I feel lighter. I feel....I don't know.
I guess the biggest thing is I'm just done with negativity. Done. Life is too short. Done with negative people, done with negative attitudes. I don't need that in my life. No one does.
Instead of being tired and grumpy in the morning, I'm taking on the attitude that at least I have a job, and I'm good at that job. Instead of being aggravated and impatient in line just now at the store b/c this little old man was taking FOREVER (and the fact he couldn't hear wasn't helping), I thought to myself....'that is someone's Dad. How will you want people to react when this is potentially YOUR dad in 30 or 40 years?'. Instead of scowling back at the McDonald's drive through girl this morning, I wished her a nice day and drove off. Not meanly, not kill-her-with-kindness mentality, just, "have a good day!"
It's hard for me to think like that. Those of you who know me know I'm Ms. Guilty-til-they're-proven-innocent. I think people as a general population are slow, lazy & generally useless. But you know what? I can't control everyone. I can't make everyone like me. This new attitude may not be so easy sometime down the road, and that's okay. But I'm trying. I'm making the effort.
No more negativity. No more feeding OFF of negativity, which is my biggest struggle. Have something mean to say about someone else? Go talk to someone else. Want to complain to me about your day? What are you doing to change it? Want to whine about how unfair a, b, c is? Well, life isn't always fair.
This is the new me, and it feels good.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
Another VDay....come and gone.
This has been the first one, since the very first one back in 2003, that I've spent so far away from Chris (that first VDay, back in our freshman year, he at UMR and me at Ball State............this year, me here in Cbus and him in Vegas for work).
Can I just get something off my chest?
People are so.....uppity. on facebook. Uppity, and put-me-on-a-pedastal-like, and I-have-a-better-life-than-you, on facebook. Today's facebook wall is a showcase of pictures. Pictures of flowers, of all kinds. Pictures of sweet cards, or dinners made, or candy. "I have the BEST Valentine!" "I love my Valentine SO MUCH!" "He/she is the BEST!" or you have the judgemental set, "I HATE Valentine's Day, I don't need a day for love, b/c I show it all year round!" Geez.
Can we all just agree to agree that in whatever stage of Valentine's Day we're in.........whether you're like my 16-year-old brother with his first real "girlfriend," or like Chris and I, on our 4th married V-Day, or like my parents, on their............30-something-ith VDay.........that we are all just so insanely lucky? Whether you got a card today, or flowers sent to work, or dinner made for you, or you just got to wake up with that safe & secure feeling that you are loved....isn't that enough? Isn't it enough that each of us, for however long of a moment in time, have found that other person to share our life with?
Facebook frustrates me, and more and more often it takes me some real time to reflect and think about my own life & circumstances before I come to any real conclusions about anything on there anymore.
Not today. Today, after this time 2-ish years ago when I almost lost every good thing I'd ever had.......today, I'm thankful.
This has been the first one, since the very first one back in 2003, that I've spent so far away from Chris (that first VDay, back in our freshman year, he at UMR and me at Ball State............this year, me here in Cbus and him in Vegas for work).
Can I just get something off my chest?
People are so.....uppity. on facebook. Uppity, and put-me-on-a-pedastal-like, and I-have-a-better-life-than-you, on facebook. Today's facebook wall is a showcase of pictures. Pictures of flowers, of all kinds. Pictures of sweet cards, or dinners made, or candy. "I have the BEST Valentine!" "I love my Valentine SO MUCH!" "He/she is the BEST!" or you have the judgemental set, "I HATE Valentine's Day, I don't need a day for love, b/c I show it all year round!" Geez.
Can we all just agree to agree that in whatever stage of Valentine's Day we're in.........whether you're like my 16-year-old brother with his first real "girlfriend," or like Chris and I, on our 4th married V-Day, or like my parents, on their............30-something-ith VDay.........that we are all just so insanely lucky? Whether you got a card today, or flowers sent to work, or dinner made for you, or you just got to wake up with that safe & secure feeling that you are loved....isn't that enough? Isn't it enough that each of us, for however long of a moment in time, have found that other person to share our life with?
Facebook frustrates me, and more and more often it takes me some real time to reflect and think about my own life & circumstances before I come to any real conclusions about anything on there anymore.
Not today. Today, after this time 2-ish years ago when I almost lost every good thing I'd ever had.......today, I'm thankful.
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