I'm going to be an aunt in June. Hopefully this time around it is a better outcome than the last (as opposed to a miscarriage at 9 weeks, fetus was only 3 weeks)....but today they finally heard and saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 6 weeks (although the calendar says about 9 weeks).
I heard the news from Chris and I burst into tears. And didn't stop crying for a good half hour. Fortunately, she knows how I feel and is sympathetic to what I'm going through and didn't call me this time. I did text her. I'm excited for her, but I am devastated for me.
I am a horrible, horrible person.
This isn't fair. I don't want to adopt a baby. I want my OWN. I was put on this earth to be a Mom. And not a Mom of someone else's baby, my own. I want a little piece of Chris and me walking around.
I'm just asking for one. That's all I want. I won't be greedy and ask for a 2nd one.
Just one happy, healthy baby. That's all I want. All I can think about.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of thinking about it. Tired of that sinking feeling in my heart everytime I see another baby picture or announcement on facebook, tired of feeling like an awful person b/c the first feeling I feel isn't happiness, it's sheer & utter jealousy and wanting.
But I can't help it. I wonder at what point it's time to just hang it up for awhile.
I don't know. I'm just sad. And I'm tired of saying "I'll be okay." or "I'll be fine."
Because I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not fine.
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I don't even.
I always have such good intentions of writing in here.....interesting things do happen to me on occasion.....but I just never do. And then I'm stuck trying to shove the last month of my life into one novelish blog for posterity. It doesn't work.
Let's see. My life in the last month?
Hertz (car rentals) gave me, possibly, the most horrible customer service experience imaginable last weekend. I highly do NOT recommend them. Even if you have to walk to get where you're going b/c they're the last cars on earth, don't do it. Awful.
I have no branch manager at my work until mid January. He was picked to be part of a team set up by our new CEO (for the first time in over 70 years, a Brickman is not holding that position) to evaluate parts of our business, and is traveling Mondays through Thursdays, and working from home Fridays. So - that hasn't been fun. I really do enjoy working for my boss, and with him, and since our offices are separated by only a set of French doors that are normally open, I'm actually kind of lonely without him around! I'm also afraid he's never coming back..........lots of drama in the 10 days since hes been gone, and I just don't know. I'm anxious to see what will happen in the next 6 to 12 months, and what will change. This new CEO does not mess around, and I think a lot of the old processes and rules will be out the door. But until then.....operations has support, sales has support, and poor me just has to hang in there. (Feel sorry for me yet?)
Thanksgiving is 5 weeks from today. What????
Cowboys are 2-3 and I'm disgusted by them. I'm picking against them for the rest of the year.
But at least the Cardinals are in the postseason and are just 2 games away from another WS appearance. Go Redbirds!
And this baby business. I don't even know. It has been a very rough couple of days. I was supposed to start Friday. Nothing Friday. Nothing Saturday. Nothing Sunday morning. I would've gotten my hopes up, except my routine bloodwork last month showed my progesterone levels dropped from 20 to 9.7. Nevertheless, I was still sad when I did start......and then Monday was just AWFUL. A good friend/ sorority sister/ former roommate had her baby girl Sunday night. Another longtime friend (think since 2nd grade) had her baby boy Monday afternoon. I broke down no less than 4x at work on Monday....I just couldn't get a grip (seriously, get a GRIP).
It's not that I'm not happy for my friends (those 2 + the 4 other friends [yes, I'm dead serious, 6 total friends with babies since Sunday]), but I just want a baby SO BADLY. Chris & I are READY. We are stable. We will love a child SO much. I want my parents to know the joy of being grandparents. And it's just not fair. 14 months have gone by. I should have a 5 month old in my arms right now, but I don't. Every month I just count up another month........at this point we're talking July baby, but I'm not holding my breath for that either........I'm off Clomid for the next 2 months to give my body a break (thank you sweet Jesus), and then December we start Clomid + IUI. We'll see. It's hard though - so hard. I just don't understand how other people can make it so EASY. It's just biology....science has to take over eventually, right??
So anyway - it'll be nice to not have to deal with the hot flashes and mood swings with Clomid this month, but I'm also not too sure how high my chances really are, so just trying to hang in there. Pray for us, please. It is so HARD to just not know.....I'd never wish for a miscarriage, ever, but then at least I'd have some clue that my body knew what it is SUPPOSED to be doing. At this point, the what-ifs start to take over.
Outside of that.......trying to not let babies take over our life........getting back into running - ran a 5K with Mom on Saturday - wanted to run a 10:00 pace and ran about a 10:40 which I wasn't too unhappy with. On the upside of these next two months, hopefully I can get myself back into a decent shape and get some of these pounds off. It can only help. :-/
Oh. And November 6 is only 19 days away. It cannot come soon enough. People + politics + social media. Always a good time.
Let's see. My life in the last month?
Hertz (car rentals) gave me, possibly, the most horrible customer service experience imaginable last weekend. I highly do NOT recommend them. Even if you have to walk to get where you're going b/c they're the last cars on earth, don't do it. Awful.
I have no branch manager at my work until mid January. He was picked to be part of a team set up by our new CEO (for the first time in over 70 years, a Brickman is not holding that position) to evaluate parts of our business, and is traveling Mondays through Thursdays, and working from home Fridays. So - that hasn't been fun. I really do enjoy working for my boss, and with him, and since our offices are separated by only a set of French doors that are normally open, I'm actually kind of lonely without him around! I'm also afraid he's never coming back..........lots of drama in the 10 days since hes been gone, and I just don't know. I'm anxious to see what will happen in the next 6 to 12 months, and what will change. This new CEO does not mess around, and I think a lot of the old processes and rules will be out the door. But until then.....operations has support, sales has support, and poor me just has to hang in there. (Feel sorry for me yet?)
Thanksgiving is 5 weeks from today. What????
Cowboys are 2-3 and I'm disgusted by them. I'm picking against them for the rest of the year.
But at least the Cardinals are in the postseason and are just 2 games away from another WS appearance. Go Redbirds!
And this baby business. I don't even know. It has been a very rough couple of days. I was supposed to start Friday. Nothing Friday. Nothing Saturday. Nothing Sunday morning. I would've gotten my hopes up, except my routine bloodwork last month showed my progesterone levels dropped from 20 to 9.7. Nevertheless, I was still sad when I did start......and then Monday was just AWFUL. A good friend/ sorority sister/ former roommate had her baby girl Sunday night. Another longtime friend (think since 2nd grade) had her baby boy Monday afternoon. I broke down no less than 4x at work on Monday....I just couldn't get a grip (seriously, get a GRIP).
It's not that I'm not happy for my friends (those 2 + the 4 other friends [yes, I'm dead serious, 6 total friends with babies since Sunday]), but I just want a baby SO BADLY. Chris & I are READY. We are stable. We will love a child SO much. I want my parents to know the joy of being grandparents. And it's just not fair. 14 months have gone by. I should have a 5 month old in my arms right now, but I don't. Every month I just count up another month........at this point we're talking July baby, but I'm not holding my breath for that either........I'm off Clomid for the next 2 months to give my body a break (thank you sweet Jesus), and then December we start Clomid + IUI. We'll see. It's hard though - so hard. I just don't understand how other people can make it so EASY. It's just biology....science has to take over eventually, right??
So anyway - it'll be nice to not have to deal with the hot flashes and mood swings with Clomid this month, but I'm also not too sure how high my chances really are, so just trying to hang in there. Pray for us, please. It is so HARD to just not know.....I'd never wish for a miscarriage, ever, but then at least I'd have some clue that my body knew what it is SUPPOSED to be doing. At this point, the what-ifs start to take over.
Outside of that.......trying to not let babies take over our life........getting back into running - ran a 5K with Mom on Saturday - wanted to run a 10:00 pace and ran about a 10:40 which I wasn't too unhappy with. On the upside of these next two months, hopefully I can get myself back into a decent shape and get some of these pounds off. It can only help. :-/
Oh. And November 6 is only 19 days away. It cannot come soon enough. People + politics + social media. Always a good time.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
So long, summer
Last day of summer 2012.
I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside. Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much.
((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either. Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))
So, fall is here. The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.
But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening. Fortunately, we took another step today. Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands. The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own. We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan. It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.
So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith. Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time. It'll happen. I just know it. I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure. More to come on that soon....maybe!
Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.
I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside. Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much.
((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either. Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))
So, fall is here. The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.
But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening. Fortunately, we took another step today. Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands. The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own. We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan. It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.
So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith. Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time. It'll happen. I just know it. I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure. More to come on that soon....maybe!
Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Hard.
This is so. hard.
If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.
You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless. Out of reach. Like it's never going to happen.
Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period. Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.
I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess). Some months I've been okay. Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself). This month, I'm just pissed. And over it. So tired of it. Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine. I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.
What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us. Our parents, our siblings, our friends. I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.
I try to keep my head up. To "let go and let God." To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is. But that's hard for me. To give up control. To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control. I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.
I know all hope is not lost yet. We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end. Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers. And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume). My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances.
I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am. But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.
If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.
If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.
You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless. Out of reach. Like it's never going to happen.
Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period. Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.
I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess). Some months I've been okay. Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself). This month, I'm just pissed. And over it. So tired of it. Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine. I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.
What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us. Our parents, our siblings, our friends. I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.
I try to keep my head up. To "let go and let God." To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is. But that's hard for me. To give up control. To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control. I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.
I know all hope is not lost yet. We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end. Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers. And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume). My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances.
I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am. But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.
If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Long Time No See
Sorry.
We haven't really been that busy lately (for once), but everytime I think about blogging, I just don't. Not much happening lately, either, except....
1. We are officially in the 10%. Go for big test #1 tomorrow and I am scared shitless. I'm tired of being upset month after month about this; now I am just pissed. And if one more person who HAS a child, or has been pregnant before tells me they "know what I'm going through," they're getting punched. NO, you do NOT know what I'm going through, YOU have a healthy, living, breathing baby. YOUR body has a clue what it's supposed to be doing. Mine does not. Chris has been checked out and is fine. So the rounds of tests begin. Prayers appreciated.
2. Our 10th HS Reunion came and went at the end of July - we didn't go. Out of a 400-person class, there were approximately 75 people RSVP'd, and of those 75 people, 50 of them still live in Terre Haute and all still hang out together anyway. I stay in touch with the few HS friends I need and want to (Chris had more friends in the classes above and below us than in our own); we didn't see the point in making a special trip home just to see the select few we hadn't seen in awhile when we can always make plans at our own convenience. With the emergence of social media like facebook (which came out right around the time of what would've been our 5-year reunion; that year we all came to a mass decision to not even have one - what was the point? Either everyone was just getting out of college or was still in school), everyone knows what is up with everyone (marriage, kids, jobs) and what everyone looks like. What other point is there to going to a HS Reunion? So anyway, we didn't go. Maybe for our 20th. I just can't believe we've been out of HS for 10 years already, and it was this time 10 years ago I was moving into LaFollette Hall at Ball State as a freshman. Oh, the good 'ole days....
3. A couple of weeks ago, my mom FINALLY went in to have a hernia fixed.....she has had it for almost 3 years now but has kept putting it off and putting off until she couldn't anymore - and then of course it was a surgical emergency. Geez. It was awful being 4 hours away, but they were able to do it as an outpatient surgery and she was home the same day, and Dad & Anthony were with her. Throughout the day I was posting updates on my facebook for the few friends and family who knew what was going on (no matter how minor it's scary when someone has to go under local anesesthia for anything that you love!) and I was literally overwhelmed with the amount of support from our friends - facebook messages, texts, etc. Thankfully everything went great and she's now back to her old self but it's amazing how even when minor things are happening you have the core group of friends who don't care WHAT is happening, they actually give a shit and go out of their way to make sure you know that.
4. Our 4th anniversary is 2 weeks from today (again, how??? Time....flies.....). Not many people (including us, some days) thought we'd make it to 1, let alone 4, so every anniversary is that much more special. We are going to stay in TH for a couple of nights the weekend of Labor Day and then head to St. Louis for a couple days by ourselves, and I'm just looking forward to being AWAY. I'm taking the entire week of Labor Day off - we'll be home by Wednesday, but I would've taken Thursday off anyway since Dallas plays that Wednesday night (thank you DNC for moving what has always been a Thursday night game to Wednesday). It'll be nice to actually use some vacation time to actually reLAX, and not have to use the time for appointments or driving or moving. I have 2 full weeks left until a week off and I can't wait.
5. Summer is coming to an end (oh yeah, my baby brother started his SENIOR year of HS Tuesday.....he got a new car over the weekend........I am in COMPLETE denial about this whole thing!) and I, admittedly, am ready for fall. Football season (of course), cooler weather (seriously over this heat and humidity), pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, the holidays.....bring it all on! Except for the snow....that can stay the hell away. Work has been busy enough this year and I can't believe it's the middle of August already. Weren't we just closing 2011???
That's about it. Enjoy the storms, everyone!
We haven't really been that busy lately (for once), but everytime I think about blogging, I just don't. Not much happening lately, either, except....
1. We are officially in the 10%. Go for big test #1 tomorrow and I am scared shitless. I'm tired of being upset month after month about this; now I am just pissed. And if one more person who HAS a child, or has been pregnant before tells me they "know what I'm going through," they're getting punched. NO, you do NOT know what I'm going through, YOU have a healthy, living, breathing baby. YOUR body has a clue what it's supposed to be doing. Mine does not. Chris has been checked out and is fine. So the rounds of tests begin. Prayers appreciated.
2. Our 10th HS Reunion came and went at the end of July - we didn't go. Out of a 400-person class, there were approximately 75 people RSVP'd, and of those 75 people, 50 of them still live in Terre Haute and all still hang out together anyway. I stay in touch with the few HS friends I need and want to (Chris had more friends in the classes above and below us than in our own); we didn't see the point in making a special trip home just to see the select few we hadn't seen in awhile when we can always make plans at our own convenience. With the emergence of social media like facebook (which came out right around the time of what would've been our 5-year reunion; that year we all came to a mass decision to not even have one - what was the point? Either everyone was just getting out of college or was still in school), everyone knows what is up with everyone (marriage, kids, jobs) and what everyone looks like. What other point is there to going to a HS Reunion? So anyway, we didn't go. Maybe for our 20th. I just can't believe we've been out of HS for 10 years already, and it was this time 10 years ago I was moving into LaFollette Hall at Ball State as a freshman. Oh, the good 'ole days....
3. A couple of weeks ago, my mom FINALLY went in to have a hernia fixed.....she has had it for almost 3 years now but has kept putting it off and putting off until she couldn't anymore - and then of course it was a surgical emergency. Geez. It was awful being 4 hours away, but they were able to do it as an outpatient surgery and she was home the same day, and Dad & Anthony were with her. Throughout the day I was posting updates on my facebook for the few friends and family who knew what was going on (no matter how minor it's scary when someone has to go under local anesesthia for anything that you love!) and I was literally overwhelmed with the amount of support from our friends - facebook messages, texts, etc. Thankfully everything went great and she's now back to her old self but it's amazing how even when minor things are happening you have the core group of friends who don't care WHAT is happening, they actually give a shit and go out of their way to make sure you know that.
4. Our 4th anniversary is 2 weeks from today (again, how??? Time....flies.....). Not many people (including us, some days) thought we'd make it to 1, let alone 4, so every anniversary is that much more special. We are going to stay in TH for a couple of nights the weekend of Labor Day and then head to St. Louis for a couple days by ourselves, and I'm just looking forward to being AWAY. I'm taking the entire week of Labor Day off - we'll be home by Wednesday, but I would've taken Thursday off anyway since Dallas plays that Wednesday night (thank you DNC for moving what has always been a Thursday night game to Wednesday). It'll be nice to actually use some vacation time to actually reLAX, and not have to use the time for appointments or driving or moving. I have 2 full weeks left until a week off and I can't wait.
5. Summer is coming to an end (oh yeah, my baby brother started his SENIOR year of HS Tuesday.....he got a new car over the weekend........I am in COMPLETE denial about this whole thing!) and I, admittedly, am ready for fall. Football season (of course), cooler weather (seriously over this heat and humidity), pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, the holidays.....bring it all on! Except for the snow....that can stay the hell away. Work has been busy enough this year and I can't believe it's the middle of August already. Weren't we just closing 2011???
That's about it. Enjoy the storms, everyone!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Okay.
Chin up.
No more tears (although plenty have been shed today; partly for the loss of something we never had [again], and partly for the OHMYGODTHESECRAMPSMIGHTKILLME pain).
Onto month #11 of this journey (my lucky number), and according to the little website where I've been tracking these things, if we were to conceive this go-around, Baby King would be due on St. Patrick's Day. That's gotta be a good sign, right?
Round 2 of Clomid will start Tuesday, this time doubling my dosage to 100mg/ day for 5 days. If I make it through this week alive (between the insomnia and burning-up-hot-flashes side effects), I'll consider it a success.
Here we go....
No more tears (although plenty have been shed today; partly for the loss of something we never had [again], and partly for the OHMYGODTHESECRAMPSMIGHTKILLME pain).
Onto month #11 of this journey (my lucky number), and according to the little website where I've been tracking these things, if we were to conceive this go-around, Baby King would be due on St. Patrick's Day. That's gotta be a good sign, right?
Round 2 of Clomid will start Tuesday, this time doubling my dosage to 100mg/ day for 5 days. If I make it through this week alive (between the insomnia and burning-up-hot-flashes side effects), I'll consider it a success.
Here we go....
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Wednesday Brain Dump
I haven't done a brain dump in awhile. In fact, I think I gave it up after like 2.1 times of writing them....I suck. Oh well.......here goes.
1. Last couple of weeks have been whiny, crabby, cranky, and just generally pissed off at the world. At home, at work, on here....it hasn't been pretty. I apologize. The mix of the busiest spring in my history of springs at Brickman - my 4th one so far (partly due to all of my new responsibilities and partly due to the fact that we started mowing in MARCH), all the traveling I/ we've been doing (even the weekend we "got away" for a night was still one less day to get anything done around the house), and this whole baby business has just about put me in the damn loony bin. This week has been better, though. Catching up at work (kind of....and keep that quiet. Don't need anyone to know that I've actually had a free minute here and there to file AP and billing from......February??) and at home has made me more relaxed. Kind of.
2. Officially started my first round of Clomid on Saturday. I've gotten very saavy at all this fertility-talk which I'm not really that happy about (I'd much rather my body just do what it's supposed to without any real mental input from me, but that's not how this is going to work, apparently)....but my progesterone levels came back last month lower than they'd like, so that's what this med will do (force my body to actually ovulate, unlike what it hasn't been doing for 9 months now). Besides the side effects I've already dealt with (some nausea and oh-my-freaking-gosh-I-need-to-peel-off-my-skin-or-I-will-burn-alive hot flashes), it also raises your chances of twins by 10% or so. Chris was thrilled with that news, especially since twins run in my family anyway. We'll see.......the thought that this month could really be it (trying not to get my hopes up) is terrifying and exciting all at once. Stay tuned.....
3. Well, I say stay tuned, but we will not be telling ANYONE (outside of family and pertinent other people) if/ when that day comes until we are 11571% sure we have a real, live, healthy baby in there. Like....the 8 week appointment or even after that. Some sad news we got last week just confirmed my thought that telling people too early may not be a jinx (God's plan and all that), but it definitely just makes it that much harder and sadder to tell everyone if you lose the baby. Without going into too much detail, it turns out Chris and I WON'T be an aunt/ uncle again....not in November, anyway. It sucks and it's sad and I teared up on the phone with my SIL at work last Wednesday when I talked to her, and I just didn't know what to say (I know....there is nothing you CAN say). Like other people I know, she went in for her first "real" baby appointment....no heartbeat.....yup. So, it sucks that we live so far away and I feel awful for even having kind-of-sad/ jealous feelings when she told us all that she was pregnant.....but....sorry, friends. Any bun of mine will be nice and snuggled in for the long haul by the time anyone knows. So......pray for us, and pray for my SIL, ok? All 3 of you who read this....
4. We have 2 more days of this week to get through, then Chris & I are taking next Friday off, and then the following Monday is Memorial Day, which means a 4-day weekend and I CANNOT WAIT. We'll be going home to TH as always - Mom & Dad always have a big cookout for Anthony's bday/ the holiday and we'll be spending lots of time with family and traveling between houses, but I'm looking forward to some time away from work and just (hopefully) relaxing and taking our minds off everything. Who else can't believe it is MAY FREAKING 16TH ALREADY?!?
I think that's about all I've got for now. Going to cook dinner and eat on the patio.......l-o-ving this weather!
1. Last couple of weeks have been whiny, crabby, cranky, and just generally pissed off at the world. At home, at work, on here....it hasn't been pretty. I apologize. The mix of the busiest spring in my history of springs at Brickman - my 4th one so far (partly due to all of my new responsibilities and partly due to the fact that we started mowing in MARCH), all the traveling I/ we've been doing (even the weekend we "got away" for a night was still one less day to get anything done around the house), and this whole baby business has just about put me in the damn loony bin. This week has been better, though. Catching up at work (kind of....and keep that quiet. Don't need anyone to know that I've actually had a free minute here and there to file AP and billing from......February??) and at home has made me more relaxed. Kind of.
2. Officially started my first round of Clomid on Saturday. I've gotten very saavy at all this fertility-talk which I'm not really that happy about (I'd much rather my body just do what it's supposed to without any real mental input from me, but that's not how this is going to work, apparently)....but my progesterone levels came back last month lower than they'd like, so that's what this med will do (force my body to actually ovulate, unlike what it hasn't been doing for 9 months now). Besides the side effects I've already dealt with (some nausea and oh-my-freaking-gosh-I-need-to-peel-off-my-skin-or-I-will-burn-alive hot flashes), it also raises your chances of twins by 10% or so. Chris was thrilled with that news, especially since twins run in my family anyway. We'll see.......the thought that this month could really be it (trying not to get my hopes up) is terrifying and exciting all at once. Stay tuned.....
3. Well, I say stay tuned, but we will not be telling ANYONE (outside of family and pertinent other people) if/ when that day comes until we are 11571% sure we have a real, live, healthy baby in there. Like....the 8 week appointment or even after that. Some sad news we got last week just confirmed my thought that telling people too early may not be a jinx (God's plan and all that), but it definitely just makes it that much harder and sadder to tell everyone if you lose the baby. Without going into too much detail, it turns out Chris and I WON'T be an aunt/ uncle again....not in November, anyway. It sucks and it's sad and I teared up on the phone with my SIL at work last Wednesday when I talked to her, and I just didn't know what to say (I know....there is nothing you CAN say). Like other people I know, she went in for her first "real" baby appointment....no heartbeat.....yup. So, it sucks that we live so far away and I feel awful for even having kind-of-sad/ jealous feelings when she told us all that she was pregnant.....but....sorry, friends. Any bun of mine will be nice and snuggled in for the long haul by the time anyone knows. So......pray for us, and pray for my SIL, ok? All 3 of you who read this....
4. We have 2 more days of this week to get through, then Chris & I are taking next Friday off, and then the following Monday is Memorial Day, which means a 4-day weekend and I CANNOT WAIT. We'll be going home to TH as always - Mom & Dad always have a big cookout for Anthony's bday/ the holiday and we'll be spending lots of time with family and traveling between houses, but I'm looking forward to some time away from work and just (hopefully) relaxing and taking our minds off everything. Who else can't believe it is MAY FREAKING 16TH ALREADY?!?
I think that's about all I've got for now. Going to cook dinner and eat on the patio.......l-o-ving this weather!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
It's Hard.
It's hard.
It's hard when a member of your family calls you with another piece of cool news about the impending arrival of your niece or nephew (in ~ 6.5 months) ((in this case, her blood type makes it necessary to run certain tests at her first appointment, one of which can tell the sex of the baby with 100% certainty at 12 weeks)).
It's hard getting on facebook and yet another friend, sorority sister, family acquaintance, has announced their happy news.
It's hard walking through a store and past the baby section knowing you have no place there yet.
It's hard walking ANYWHERE and watching someone that is 10 years your junior push her child(ren) through the mall, store, parking lot.............no ring on her finger, none of the kids dressed appropriately for the current weather, tattoos & piercings EVERYWHERE, smoking, as she yells at one of the kids to SHUT THE HELL UP. (Seriously, how are people like that allowed to reproduce?)
It's hard knowing that for once in your life you can't gloat that you were right. Everyone whose been telling us for 9 months now to "just relax and that it'll happen in its own time" is full of crap and I can't even be happy that everyone has been WRONG. Results came back from my bloodwork last Monday and as I KNEW, a level is off (progesterone). So..........what does that mean? Next cycle: Clomid. Keeping fingers crossed. And hoping that someday very soon, that 2% of me that is selfish and self-pitying and just generally not nice will no longer have a place in my head & heart.
It's hard when a member of your family calls you with another piece of cool news about the impending arrival of your niece or nephew (in ~ 6.5 months) ((in this case, her blood type makes it necessary to run certain tests at her first appointment, one of which can tell the sex of the baby with 100% certainty at 12 weeks)).
It's hard getting on facebook and yet another friend, sorority sister, family acquaintance, has announced their happy news.
It's hard walking through a store and past the baby section knowing you have no place there yet.
It's hard walking ANYWHERE and watching someone that is 10 years your junior push her child(ren) through the mall, store, parking lot.............no ring on her finger, none of the kids dressed appropriately for the current weather, tattoos & piercings EVERYWHERE, smoking, as she yells at one of the kids to SHUT THE HELL UP. (Seriously, how are people like that allowed to reproduce?)
It's hard knowing that for once in your life you can't gloat that you were right. Everyone whose been telling us for 9 months now to "just relax and that it'll happen in its own time" is full of crap and I can't even be happy that everyone has been WRONG. Results came back from my bloodwork last Monday and as I KNEW, a level is off (progesterone). So..........what does that mean? Next cycle: Clomid. Keeping fingers crossed. And hoping that someday very soon, that 2% of me that is selfish and self-pitying and just generally not nice will no longer have a place in my head & heart.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sigh.
So much for my weekly updates. I suck.
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)