Hard.

This is so. hard.

If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.

You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless.  Out of reach.  Like it's never going to happen.

Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period.  Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.

I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess).  Some months I've been okay.  Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself).  This month, I'm just pissed.  And over it.  So tired of it.  Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine.  I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.

What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us.  Our parents, our siblings, our friends.  I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.

I try to keep my head up.  To "let go and let God."  To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is.  But that's hard for me.  To give up control.  To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control.  I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.

I know all hope is not lost yet.  We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end.  Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers.  And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume).  My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances. 

I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am.  But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.

If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.