Horrible, No Good Person

I'm going to be an aunt in June.  Hopefully this time around it is a better outcome than the last (as opposed to a miscarriage at 9 weeks, fetus was only 3 weeks)....but today they finally heard and saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 6 weeks (although the calendar says about 9 weeks).

I heard the news from Chris and I burst into tears.  And didn't stop crying for a good half hour.  Fortunately, she knows how I feel and is sympathetic to what I'm going through and didn't call me this time.  I did text her.  I'm excited for her, but I am devastated for me.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

This isn't fair.  I don't want to adopt a baby.  I want my OWN.  I was put on this earth to be a Mom.  And not a Mom of someone else's baby, my own.  I want a little piece of Chris and me walking around.

I'm just asking for one.  That's all I want.  I won't be greedy and ask for a 2nd one.

Just one happy, healthy baby.  That's all I want.  All I can think about. 

I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  Tired of that sinking feeling in my heart everytime I see another baby picture or announcement on facebook, tired of feeling like an awful person b/c the first feeling I feel isn't happiness, it's sheer & utter jealousy and wanting.

But I can't help it.  I wonder at what point it's time to just hang it up for awhile.

I don't know.  I'm just sad.  And I'm tired of saying "I'll be okay."  or "I'll be fine." 

Because I'm not.  I'm not okay.  I'm not fine.