No Baby

I think Mother Nature is a sneaky little bitch who I really think just gets her jollies off messing with peoples' heads.  Seriously. 
I've been off the pill since March, and off my happy pills (Zoloft) for about a month now. 
We've been preventing, but not doing a really good job of it...had we been in high school or college still with this behavior, I would've been pregnant 35 times over by now.
A couple months ago, probably April-ish/ May, I was late...convinced myself that go figure, we weren't even trying, and here we go.  Late, late, late....the night before I was going to take a test, I had this dream - VIVID dream - that my test was positive.  One of those dreams that was so lifelike you wake up and have to remember that your dream is not, in fact, reality.  That test, obviously, was negative. 
Fast forward to last week.  Convinced myself, yet AGAIN, that this was it.  We had one of those nights a couple weeks ago that I just knew we were completely safe - except googling it a couple days later....just about the highest-risk time during the month except the days right around mid-cycle.  I was really overthinking the whole thing and even got sucked into the baby aisle at Barnes & Noble Saturday night, flipping through "What to Expect when You're Expecting," (I didn't buy it though).  Reading through the symptoms, I was conVINced.  Overly tired?  Yes.  Heavy feeling in the the lower abdomen?  Yes.  Constantly feeling dehydrated?  Yes.  Weird appetite? 
Just now though, I have to chalk all of that up to last week was yet another stressful, 5-days-crammed-into-4 month end week, its been hotter than hell outside and I haven't ran in way too long.
No baby.
I know we're not really trying, and we have lots of time....but I'm ready.  I'm ready now.  I try to stop thinking about it, but I can't.  I can't help being disappointed and sad for something that never existed.  I know our time will come and we have a LOT going on in the next 6-8 weeks that will make August 30 (my do-or-die day) come really fast.
But right now, I'm sad.
Bedtime.