Fall Cleaning

I've done a lot of cleaning lately.

Chris and I have basically gone room by room and cleaned top to bottom in our apartment, just like we were moving out. It felt good to go through a lot of the old stuff, to de-clutter (some) and just CLEAN. It's amazing what you hold on from year to year, thinking you just MIGHT do something with it someday, or need it someday. Yeah, a lot of that went in the trash this time around. (Except for the box filled with our wedding cards, leftover invitations, flower petals, programs and candles. I will do something with all that someday. Someday soon. I need to, at least).

I've also taken a lot of time over the last few weeks to get my life in order at work. It's amazing; I spend 45-60 hours a week in a small office that's maybe....what? 15x10? I don't know dimensions....but it's amazing how much crap piles up. Of course, there is some stuff I have to keep....but I've purged a lot of old crap that I (again) thought I might need someday. But I haven't. So a lot of old stuff - buh bye. I mean, who really needs 11 different sized binders, in various states of falling apart and use?

And last week, I went through my list of over 630 facebook friends. I'm now down to 563. Didn't like ya in high school - why am I friends with you now? Had one class with you sophomore year of college - don't even remember what class that was. You generally annoy me with your whiny/ passive-aggressive/ slutty/ dramatic statuses - you're gone. Who the hell ARE you? Did I even know you in the first place? Yup, you're gone.

It feels good to de-clutter. Simplify. Get back to the things that matter. Clear out the bad.

Things like that are easy to see your progress. Getting your head in order and thoughts in line can be harder sometimes, but fortunately, I'm finding out everyday that it literally just takes mind over matter. You can be negative. You can look for the sad things, the bad things; you can pick up on the drama in other peoples' lives. But at the end of the day - you have to go to sleep with your own thoughts, and be content with yourself.

On that note - good night. Sweet dreams. :)

It's Fall Y'all

What a dumb title. I suck at coming up with creative titles to these things.

What a great weekend. I left work early on Friday to make it to Terre Haute by about 6:30. My mom, at my request, made homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes and meatloaf gravy. SO good. Chris won't let me make him meatloaf, and even if he did, it wouldn't be as good as Mom's. After dinner, my dad & I went to The Terminal (a sports bar on ISU's campus) to drown our sorrows over the Cowboys. We ended up talking to the producers of the ESPN radio station in Terre Haute who recruited my dad to be a weekly local caller. It was really funny! He just knows so much about so many sports that he's fun to talk to (as long as you're a fan of his teams....the Cowboys ((duh)), St. Louis Cardinals, LA Lakers and #48 Jimmie Johnson ((he got started on that from Anthony))). We played a little pool and hung out, and it was cool. The guys he was talking to thought it was cool he was having a drink with his daughter, and I did too ;-)

Saturday morning, I woke up at an ungodly hour for me (8:45) to run a 5K with my mom (who walked it). It was my first one ever, and it was COLD, but I did pretty well for the couple of decent hills and the temperature. I finished in 31:38 and in 3rd place in my age division! Mom finished 4th (really 3rd....the 1st place walker a lot of people think cheated.....and she left before awards even started.....I'm sorry, if you know you won, wouldn't you stick around? But she's a good sport and was proud of her 41:40 finish).

We went right home and changed, picked up Megan & headed to Bridgeton's Covered Bridge Festival. It was such a great afternoon. We shopped just about every stand and shop and got some great deals. I got started with Christmas shopping with my dad's gift and my white elephant gift for Chris' family, plus a couple little things for the house & myself. We walked alot, laughed a lot, and just enjoyed each other's company. It was so fun. That night, the 3 of us went to dinner while Anthony went to a girl's Sweet 16 party (He's a heartbreaker. Those poor girls. He's tall, he's funny, he always wears cologne & smells good, he wears nice clothes and is cute. All added up, girls just fall all over him) and Dad stayed at home to watch the race. Again....lots of laughs. I absolutely love my mom & sister. They are truly my best friends in this world, besides Chris. They know me better than almost anyone, they know how to make me laugh, they let me cry on their shoulders, and even after my worst mistakes, I know they're there.

Anyway. Yesterday wasn't as great as a day. I wanted to stay home an extra day but....couldn't. Had to come back. Ended up having to listen to the Cowboys game on AM radio which was just as well. They suck. Mike & Mike did a game this morning, "5 Words That Describe Your Team"....I came up with plenty (When is Jimmy coming back? Too many stupid unnecessary penalties. No reason to start celebrating. When will Wade be fired? Players not being held accountable). But somehow, people aren't writing them off yet. I wish I could just say to hell with it and not get worked up for next Monday night's game....but we all know that's impossible. Got to bed too late last night (damn my need to talk things out instead of just letting them rest with Chris) and went to work in a foul mood this morning.

But, as they say -

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

Happy October (?!?!????)

I can't believe that this time in 3 months, we'll be in 2011. Sigh. Time. It goes so fast....

My last post was Debbie Downer....and not much has changed, but I know I have to change my attitude. What good is it going to do to just complain and be pissed off all the time?

There has been a lot going on at work. We came THIIIIIIIIIIIIIS close to losing Columbus' biggest client (and the company's biggest, too)....fortunately, they decided not to cancel on us, but that means a lot of changes for everybody in Columbus....and unfortunately, only a small percentage of those changes are in black and white. A lot of it is going to be figured out as we go, which wouldn't be a big deal, except snow planning is in full swing. Ack. Job security, I guess.

Babies. Babies are falling out of the sky. Literally, everyday for the last month there has been someone new on my newsfeed that is expecting a little one. I'm thrilled for all of them, but man does it add to the baby fever that has been in full swing for about 6 months now. But again...I know we're not ready for a baby yet....and hopefully when we are, it's because WE have truly made a good, conscious decision that is good for US, and isn't just a product of the outside world.

Anyway, the weekend was fun. Went to Indy on Saturday....left at 5pm and were back to Cbus by 7:30 on Sunday. Saturday night, we hung out at the house of one of Chris' fraternity brothers (they are buying it from his g/f's parents, who own a pharm company....this house is AMAZING and I wanted them to adopt me!!!!) and spent the night at another one of Chris' fraternity brothers (he and his wife are expecting!). Sunday, a bunch of friends who I haven't seen in way too long gathered at Ashley's house for Jenn's baby shower. I thought it was weird enough to be in all of my friends' weddings (well, not Jenn's, but hers doesn't count b/c she only had her sister!) - that seemed like a pretty grown up step. But having babies? There are no words. It blows my mind........

All I know is that it's hard to not REALLY REALLY want a baby when my friend from work pic-texts me a little Cowboys onesie..........

Long Day, All The Way

I'm homesick. I haven't been home since July 4th, which, by my count, is just short of 3 months.
I miss my mom.
I miss my sister.
I miss my dad & brother.
I'm tired of stressful days at work.
I'm tired of awkwardness and hostility and tension with a certain few coworkers.
I'm tired of not being listened to at work (why would the BA know anything)?
I'm tired of being taken for granted.
I'm tired of being TIRED.
I'm tired of hearing crap about the Cowboys. Seriously.
I'm always tired of bandwagon fans.
I'm tired of passive agressive high school drama.
I'm tired of feeling unsettled.
I'm tired of always feeling like nothing is quite enough.
I'm tired of bills.
I'm tired of laundry.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of always having something that needs done.
I'm tired of life in general.

I need a vacation....

The Sky Isn't Falling!

My boys went out and got a good, solid, TEAM win today....and very convincing at 27-13 (AND beating a 2-0 team). Phew. Now we go into a bye week, which generally speaking I HATE early bye weeks, but this year - couldn't have come at a better time. Get everyone healthy, get some focus on the NUMEROUS penalties - and come out with guns blazin' at home vs. Tennessee. Yeah! Go Cowboys!

Just passed my 2nd anniversary at Brickman on 9/18....crazy how fast time flies in that job. There is just no "coasting" in this job. Every week, every month, every season is a new focus and a new fire to fight....but it keeps me busy! This week marks my 24th end of month, which is always crazy........but hopefully goes by quickly and smoothly.

Looking forward to Jenn's baby shower next weekend and seeing some friends that I don't see enough. The weekend after that, Chris' parents come....I love visitors! And I think fall just might be officially here. After a couple days in the 90s this week, we had a gorgeous 70-degree day to enjoy the OSU game yesterday (got some tickets from a guy at work....who had gotten them from the Regional Manager but couldn't go), and today has been a cloudy, chilly, perfect-fall 50-ish degree day. I know that winter and snow inevitably follow this season, but I just adore fall....hoodies, football, pumpkins, apple cider, changing trees (well, not this year b/c of the drought, but still!)

But for now, time for a shower, some SNF and an early bedtime....6:30 meeting will come too quick. Boo.

I Saw God Today

There's a story out there....not sure where it started, but ever since I read it, I remember it everytime I come across a penny. You know, the story about a woman who goes out and has dinner with her wealthy boss....she watches him stop outside the restaurant, stoop down to pick up a penny, pause and smile, put the coin in his pocket, and goes about the evening. She wonders why he stopped and smiled and KEPT the penny....so much so that she asks him. He points out to her "In God We Trust"....and she's confused.

He says: "Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every US coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray. I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me."

I LOVE that story....and since then, have found dozens of pennies in my path. I don't always stop to pick them up, and I may not even stop....but with every penny I see, I smile, knowing that no matter what....God DOES have a plan. No matter what kind of pain, or stress, or worry, or sadness I go through - it's FOR something.

And while I may not be the best Catholic or even Christian, I feel stronger in my faith everyday. This week has been stressful....Monday morning, I was immediately greeted at work with stress. I came home in a bad mood, and whined to Chris all night. Tuesday was more of the same....until a song came on on my iPod player that made me stop in my tracks. "How Great Thou Art," the acoustic version. That song was a favorite of my great grandparents, and it is just such a powerful song. It really made me stop and think....and remember. I closed my eyes, just for a second, and just felt such peace. If I listened really closely, I could my great-grandma Guenzel's slightly warbly voice, singing beside me in church. But at that moment, I was so thankful.

I have a good job. I have a husband of 2 years/ best friend of almost 8. I have a home (well, apartment). I have family & friends who love me. Things aren't ever as bad as they seem.

And the week got better.....if only for a few minutes.

(Unfounded) Baby Fears

So, I'm a creature of habit. I love reruns of "Friends." There was just an episode on where Monica & Chandler find out that the chances of them having a baby on their own is pretty slim to none....

Things like that scare me to death. In fact, besides something happening that would suddenly take a loved one (or not suddenly, either one) away, my biggest fear is that I won't ever be able to have my own children. I know that right now I'm too selfish to be a mom, but my hopes are that eventually, I'll be grown up enough to be a mother.....if I could even be half the mom my own mom is....I think that my child(ren) will be lucky :) But seriously - all the money, exams and general pain-in-the-buttness of the last decade of trying to NOT have kids....just to be told someday that I can't? The thought just makes me sad, and something that I hope I never have to face.

On the other hand though....it seems that every other day, a friend, coworker, family member, acquaintance.....announces their upcoming bundle of joy. Seeing pictures.....buying for baby showers.....buying for the mommies-to-be.....gives me baby fever BAD.

But how do you KNOW? How do you know you're ready? I'm a planner. I like things going in a straight, forward, planned manner. Every morning at work, I go over the list I began the afternoon/ evening before and map out my day. Through the week, I think about the upcoming weekend and what I would like to accomplish (and in case anyone is wondering, this weekend I have plans to do NOTHING). Life just happens in a straight line.....y'know? Preschool....elem school....middle school....high school.....college. Since Chris & I started dating in college, it was a clear path that we would get married (obviously not the only reason we got married, but it was a good next step). After college, you get a good job. After you get married and have a good job, it seems, you have a baby. At least, that's the way it seems within my circle of friends.

There isn't a woman I know that is newly pregnant or newly-made-mommy that isn't in a good place or "shouldn't" be pregnant or "shouldn't" be a mom. Every woman I know that is pregnant or a mom is in a good place. But how do you KNOW you're in a good place? How do you know you're ready? How much does the circle of friends you run with play a part? How much does "baby fever" play a part? Obviously, big things like deciding with your husband...finances....play a part. But how much do outside factors play a part?

It's probably different for everyone. And I know that if we wait until we're "really" ready, we'll never have a baby. I just want to make sure that when we do....it's really, truly right for us....