Stunned

I am sucking it UP on this thing lately.

I've not really had much to talk about, or say, and the things that are blogworthy, I just can't put into any kind of black & white that makes any sense - nor is it anything that I think anyone would want to read ((why should I care, this is my place, right?))

But today.....none of those things matter. 

The fact that if we don't conceive this month, we're officially in that 10% of couples who can't get pregnant on their own within a year, and doctor's visits become more time consuming and expensive (as if they haven't already).  The fact that one of my closest friends I've made here in Cbus was made through work and she's leaving to go to a different company.  The fact that I'm glad its finally rained some lately, although our lawn still looks like it should be September.  The fact that opening kickoff is in 47 short days!  The fact that I am completely disgusted with myself and cannot force myself to stick with any sort of workout routine or any kind of healthy eating, even though every morning I look in the mirror and am ashamed of how I've let myself go. 

None of that matters.

None of that matters b/c today, going to just escape from real life for a little bit, 12 people are dead, 50+ are injured, and there is a 24-year old med school dropout in custody.

I first got wind of this via facebook this morning and it was a main topic of discussion at work today.  Guys I work with, with small kids who want to see this movie, were visibly shaken.  I cried watching coverage after dinner tonight, watching a piece about a 24-year-old girl who just barely escaped with her life last month during a mass shooting in Toronto - she was killed last night.  She was going to a broadcaster.  She had a blog - I want to look it up. 

The one side of me is just so......sickeningly fascinated with stuff like this.  Why did he do it?  What else did he have planned (this guy had a booby trap set at his door that would've killed the first people to break into his apartment - luckily, law enforcement had a camera that let them see in windows before anyone else got killed.  Was anyone else involved?  I think had I not gone the accounting route, I would've loved the world of psychology.  People, how they tick, mental illness - for one thing, it hits very close to home.  But second - it's fascinating stuff.

But the other side is just sick.  And sad.  And why would I want to bring a baby into this world anyway?  

I don't know how I'm sitting here writing in a blog; TV is on in the other room, hubby already in bed b/c tomorrow is his Saturday to work - we're just going about our normal lives - when for over 70 people and their families - their worlds have stopped.  Nothing will ever be the same again for them.

So, so sad.  Tragic.  Useless violence.  Going to sleep with a heavy heart tonight, and thanking God extra hard that my loved ones are still with me.