Insanity: Day 1 (And Other News)

I've been putting off starting Insanity for two weeks now.  I've been scared to death of it.

With good reason.  Holy crap.

I started today with just the FIT TEST.  It's a 25 minute DVD and I am OUT OF SHAPE b/c I am SWEATING LIKE A PIG.  And hurting.  Geez.

I am, of course, planning on sticking with the, well, you know, plan (6 days a week may be a little much but I will do everything I can).....but my overall goal here is to just start feeling better....inside and out.  It took me 4 shirts Saturday night before my birthday dinner out with Chris before I finally just settled on something.  Ugh.  I am TIRED of feeling like that.  So....here goes nothing.

In other news.......I am almost done with day 2 of 29.  Last year of my 20s.  I'll discuss more about that later....but I had a very good birthday, including a big Cowboys win!  Yeah!

Also in other news, I now have 2 neices and/ or nephews in heaven.  My poor SIL lost another one - we found out less than 2 weeks after we found out that she was pregnant again that this one had just stopped growing.  It's all so hard to process and wrap your head around.  We are in very similar, very scary, very hard situations - but at the very least, I know what she's going through, and I (to a point) know what she's going through.  I can only pray that it happens for us both SOON!!!  What makes it so much harder is knowing the first one would've been due in about 2 weeks.....but we will all be together for Thanksgiving which hopefully will help.  My heart just breaks - for both of us.

Only 7 work days to get through before 4 days off work - I'm ready for a break - no matter how much of a whirlwind these holiday weekends always are.

Time to go lay down.  On the floor.  Happy November everyone!

Better

I'm feeling a little better today.  A little less....unglued.  A little more together.  A little less unhinged.

(Work and all of the guys I work with may put me in the looney bin, but that's another story.  I got through the day without strangling anyone, and for that I deserve a big bonus!)

I've decided I just have to go about my life like normal.  And then, when (not if, when) we do get pregnant, then I'll make adjustments.

That being said, I think I'm 90% talked into running the mini again next year.  Columbus or Indy, I don't know yet, but it was a nice goal to work towards the first time, and this second time, I'd love to run it faster than I did last time.  I'd LOVE to run it in about 2:10 (a steady 10 minute pace), but anything under 2:30 I'd be thrilled with.  We'll see.

A guy from work also brought me the Insanity dvd's.  I've heard a few people that have had great results from it, and it would be something else to a) get myself into shape and b) feel better about myself and c) get my mind off of everything.  It's supposed to be pretty intense, but I need a good challenge.

I ALSO think I may start selling Scentsy soon.  Don't know what Scentsy is?  You will soon!  :)  I LOVE their stuff and, unlike 31, hasn't really taken off here yet (ie, everyone and their mom isn't selling it yet).  Also unlike 31, people can run out of products, so the opportunities for selling are a lot higher.  Maybe.  I haven't quite decided, but I'm leaning towards it.

...."hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

Horrible, No Good Person

I'm going to be an aunt in June.  Hopefully this time around it is a better outcome than the last (as opposed to a miscarriage at 9 weeks, fetus was only 3 weeks)....but today they finally heard and saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 6 weeks (although the calendar says about 9 weeks).

I heard the news from Chris and I burst into tears.  And didn't stop crying for a good half hour.  Fortunately, she knows how I feel and is sympathetic to what I'm going through and didn't call me this time.  I did text her.  I'm excited for her, but I am devastated for me.

I am a horrible, horrible person.

This isn't fair.  I don't want to adopt a baby.  I want my OWN.  I was put on this earth to be a Mom.  And not a Mom of someone else's baby, my own.  I want a little piece of Chris and me walking around.

I'm just asking for one.  That's all I want.  I won't be greedy and ask for a 2nd one.

Just one happy, healthy baby.  That's all I want.  All I can think about. 

I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of thinking about it.  Tired of that sinking feeling in my heart everytime I see another baby picture or announcement on facebook, tired of feeling like an awful person b/c the first feeling I feel isn't happiness, it's sheer & utter jealousy and wanting.

But I can't help it.  I wonder at what point it's time to just hang it up for awhile.

I don't know.  I'm just sad.  And I'm tired of saying "I'll be okay."  or "I'll be fine." 

Because I'm not.  I'm not okay.  I'm not fine. 

I don't even.

I always have such good intentions of writing in here.....interesting things do happen to me on occasion.....but I just never do.  And then I'm stuck trying to shove the last month of my life into one novelish blog for posterity.  It doesn't work.

Let's see.  My life in the last month?

Hertz (car rentals) gave me, possibly, the most horrible customer service experience imaginable last weekend.  I highly do NOT recommend them.  Even if you have to walk to get where you're going b/c they're the last cars on earth, don't do it.  Awful.

I have no branch manager at my work until mid January.  He was picked to be part of a team set up by our new CEO (for the first time in over 70 years, a Brickman is not holding that position) to evaluate parts of our business, and is traveling Mondays through Thursdays, and working from home Fridays.  So - that hasn't been fun.  I really do enjoy working for my boss, and with him, and since our offices are separated by only a set of French doors that are normally open, I'm actually kind of lonely without him around!  I'm also afraid he's never coming back..........lots of drama in the 10 days since hes been gone, and I just don't know.  I'm anxious to see what will happen in the next 6 to 12 months, and what will change.  This new CEO does not mess around, and I think a lot of the old processes and rules will be out the door.  But until then.....operations has support, sales has support, and poor me just has to hang in there.  (Feel sorry for me yet?)

Thanksgiving is 5 weeks from today.  What????

Cowboys are 2-3 and I'm disgusted by them.  I'm picking against them for the rest of the year.

But at least the Cardinals are in the postseason and are just 2 games away from another WS appearance.  Go Redbirds!

And this baby business.  I don't even know.  It has been a very rough couple of days.  I was supposed to start Friday.  Nothing Friday.  Nothing Saturday.  Nothing Sunday morning.  I would've gotten my hopes up, except my routine bloodwork last month showed my progesterone levels dropped from 20 to 9.7.  Nevertheless, I was still sad when I did start......and then Monday was just AWFUL.  A good friend/ sorority sister/ former roommate had her baby girl Sunday night.  Another longtime friend (think since 2nd grade) had her baby boy Monday afternoon.  I broke down no less than 4x at work on Monday....I just couldn't get a grip (seriously, get a GRIP). 

It's not that I'm not happy for my friends (those 2 + the 4 other friends [yes, I'm dead serious, 6 total friends with babies since Sunday]), but I just want a baby SO BADLY.  Chris & I are READY.  We are stable.  We will love a child SO much.  I want my parents to know the joy of being grandparents.  And it's just not fair.  14 months have gone by.   I should have a 5 month old in my arms right now, but I don't.  Every month I just count up another month........at this point we're talking July baby, but I'm not holding my breath for that either........I'm off Clomid for the next 2 months to give my body a break (thank you sweet Jesus), and then December we start Clomid + IUI.  We'll see.  It's hard though - so hard.  I just don't understand how other people can make it so EASY.  It's just biology....science has to take over eventually, right??

So anyway - it'll be nice to not have to deal with the hot flashes and mood swings with Clomid this month, but I'm also not too sure how high my chances really are, so just trying to hang in there.  Pray for us, please.  It is so HARD to just not know.....I'd never wish for a miscarriage, ever, but then at least I'd have some clue that my body knew what it is SUPPOSED to be doing.  At this point, the what-ifs start to take over. 

Outside of that.......trying to not let babies take over our life........getting back into running - ran a 5K with Mom on Saturday - wanted to run a 10:00 pace and ran about a 10:40 which I wasn't too unhappy with.  On the upside of these next two months, hopefully I can get myself back into a decent shape and get some of these pounds off.  It can only help.  :-/

Oh.  And November 6 is only 19 days away.  It cannot come soon enough.  People + politics + social media.  Always a good time.

So long, summer

Last day of summer 2012.

I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside.  Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much. 

((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either.  Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))

So, fall is here.  The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.

But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening.  Fortunately, we took another step today.  Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands.  The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own.  We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan.  It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.

So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith.  Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time.  It'll happen.  I just know it.  I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure.  More to come on that soon....maybe!

Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.

Hard.

This is so. hard.

If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.

You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless.  Out of reach.  Like it's never going to happen.

Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period.  Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.

I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess).  Some months I've been okay.  Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself).  This month, I'm just pissed.  And over it.  So tired of it.  Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine.  I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.

What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us.  Our parents, our siblings, our friends.  I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.

I try to keep my head up.  To "let go and let God."  To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is.  But that's hard for me.  To give up control.  To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control.  I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.

I know all hope is not lost yet.  We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end.  Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers.  And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume).  My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances. 

I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am.  But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness.  I'll be okay.  We'll be okay.  I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.

If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.

Long Time No See

Sorry.

We haven't really been that busy lately (for once), but everytime I think about blogging, I just don't.  Not much happening lately, either, except....

1.  We are officially in the 10%.  Go for big test #1 tomorrow and I am scared shitless.  I'm tired of being upset month after month about this; now I am just pissed.  And if one more person who HAS a child, or has been pregnant before tells me they "know what I'm going through," they're getting punched.  NO, you do NOT know what I'm going through, YOU have a healthy, living, breathing baby.  YOUR body has a clue what it's supposed to be doing.  Mine does not.  Chris has been checked out and is fine.  So the rounds of tests begin.  Prayers appreciated.

2.  Our 10th HS Reunion came and went at the end of July - we didn't go.  Out of a 400-person class, there were approximately 75 people RSVP'd, and of those 75 people, 50 of them still live in Terre Haute and all still hang out together anyway.  I stay in touch with the few HS friends I need and want to (Chris had more friends in the classes above and below us than in our own); we didn't see the point in making a special trip home just to see the select few we hadn't seen in awhile when we can always make plans at our own convenience.  With the emergence of social media like facebook (which came out right around the time of what would've been our 5-year reunion; that year we all came to a mass decision to not even have one - what was the point?  Either everyone was just getting out of college or was still in school), everyone knows what is up with everyone (marriage, kids, jobs) and what everyone looks like.  What other point is there to going to a HS Reunion?  So anyway, we didn't go.  Maybe for our 20th.  I just can't believe we've been out of HS for 10 years already, and it was this time 10 years ago I was moving into LaFollette Hall at Ball State as a freshman.  Oh, the good 'ole days....

3.  A couple of weeks ago, my mom FINALLY went in to have a hernia fixed.....she has had it for almost 3 years now but has kept putting it off and putting off until she couldn't anymore - and then of course it was a surgical emergency.  Geez.  It was awful being 4 hours away, but they were able to do it as an outpatient surgery and she was home the same day, and Dad & Anthony were with her.  Throughout the day I was posting updates on my facebook for the few friends and family who knew what was going on (no matter how minor it's scary when someone has to go under local anesesthia for anything that you love!) and I was literally overwhelmed with the amount of support from our friends - facebook messages, texts, etc.  Thankfully everything went great and she's now back to her old self but it's amazing how even when minor things are happening you have the core group of friends who don't care WHAT is happening, they actually give a shit and go out of their way to make sure you know that. 

4.  Our 4th anniversary is 2 weeks from today (again, how???  Time....flies.....).  Not many people (including us, some days) thought we'd make it to 1, let alone 4, so every anniversary is that much more special.  We are going to stay in TH for a couple of nights the weekend of Labor Day and then head to St. Louis for a couple days by ourselves, and I'm just looking forward to being AWAY.  I'm taking the entire week of Labor Day off - we'll be home by Wednesday, but I would've taken Thursday off anyway since Dallas plays that Wednesday night (thank you DNC for moving what has always been a Thursday night game to Wednesday).  It'll be nice to actually use some vacation time to actually reLAX, and not have to use the time for appointments or driving or moving.  I have 2 full weeks left until a week off and I can't wait.

5.  Summer is coming to an end (oh yeah, my baby brother started his SENIOR year of HS Tuesday.....he got a new car over the weekend........I am in COMPLETE denial about this whole thing!) and I, admittedly, am ready for fall.  Football season (of course), cooler weather (seriously over this heat and humidity), pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, the holidays.....bring it all on!  Except for the snow....that can stay the hell away.  Work has been busy enough this year and I can't believe it's the middle of August already.  Weren't we just closing 2011???

That's about it.  Enjoy the storms, everyone!