I'm going to be an aunt in June. Hopefully this time around it is a better outcome than the last (as opposed to a miscarriage at 9 weeks, fetus was only 3 weeks)....but today they finally heard and saw the heartbeat and the baby is measuring at 6 weeks (although the calendar says about 9 weeks).
I heard the news from Chris and I burst into tears. And didn't stop crying for a good half hour. Fortunately, she knows how I feel and is sympathetic to what I'm going through and didn't call me this time. I did text her. I'm excited for her, but I am devastated for me.
I am a horrible, horrible person.
This isn't fair. I don't want to adopt a baby. I want my OWN. I was put on this earth to be a Mom. And not a Mom of someone else's baby, my own. I want a little piece of Chris and me walking around.
I'm just asking for one. That's all I want. I won't be greedy and ask for a 2nd one.
Just one happy, healthy baby. That's all I want. All I can think about.
I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of thinking about it. Tired of that sinking feeling in my heart everytime I see another baby picture or announcement on facebook, tired of feeling like an awful person b/c the first feeling I feel isn't happiness, it's sheer & utter jealousy and wanting.
But I can't help it. I wonder at what point it's time to just hang it up for awhile.
I don't know. I'm just sad. And I'm tired of saying "I'll be okay." or "I'll be fine."
Because I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not fine.
Showing posts with label Baby King. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby King. Show all posts
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
So long, summer
Last day of summer 2012.
I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside. Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much.
((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either. Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))
So, fall is here. The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.
But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening. Fortunately, we took another step today. Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands. The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own. We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan. It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.
So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith. Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time. It'll happen. I just know it. I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure. More to come on that soon....maybe!
Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.
I have to admit, I don't really mind.....spring and summer weren't that big of a treat this year because of the mild winter we had, and really May-July were just about unbearable outside. Trust me, I'd rather have heat than snow anyday, but when you can't even walk from your office to your car without your breath catching from the heat, it's too much.
((The fact we didn't have a readily available pool this summer didn't help either. Next summer we WILL be getting a membership!))
So, fall is here. The leaves are turning, the weather has turned cooler (we haven't had the AC or heat on in 2 weeks), FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE (which is cause for great excitement except when the Cowboys come out and play like they did this past Sunday.....), the holidays are right around the corner and it just feels like a new year, a new chance at life - since for 17 years of my life that's when the new year DID start, and I haven't quite ditched the mindset.
But with the turning of the seasons it's just another reminder that while we thought we could have a 3 or 4 month old by now, we're still not pregnant........and it's disheartening. Fortunately, we took another step today. Going to an RE is never what one envisions when thinking about starting a family..........having a baby should be one of the most natural things in the world without much thought behind it, but here we sit, starting to put this huge step of our lives into science's hands. The doctor was very encouraging, very nice - asked TONS of questions and gave us TONS of information, but fortunately (or unfortunately) I kept up pretty well b/c of all the research I've done on my own. We have a tentative plan in place and I have to keep reminding myself that while, yes, it's science........God does have a plan. It's hard to not get caught up in percentages and bar graphs and charts and reading material, but faith has to take over, or I'll go nuts.
So that's what I've been working on lately..........faith. Faith that God DOES know our wishes and that He DOES want us to have a baby - but in His own time. It'll happen. I just know it. I'm just trying to keep my mind off every little thing - starting to get back into running (trying to get to or under the 31-minute mark for a 5K I'm doing in 3 weeks), and thinking about starting a new little side adventure. More to come on that soon....maybe!
Adios summer..........here's looking forward and upwards.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Hard.
This is so. hard.
If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.
You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless. Out of reach. Like it's never going to happen.
Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period. Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.
I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess). Some months I've been okay. Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself). This month, I'm just pissed. And over it. So tired of it. Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine. I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.
What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us. Our parents, our siblings, our friends. I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.
I try to keep my head up. To "let go and let God." To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is. But that's hard for me. To give up control. To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control. I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.
I know all hope is not lost yet. We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end. Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers. And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume). My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances.
I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am. But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.
If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.
If you've been pregnant before, if you have a child, you've never been here.
You've never been in this place, where after 13 months, it feels hopeless. Out of reach. Like it's never going to happen.
Where it's all you can do to smile and keep on about your life and walk by baby clothes at the store without bursting into tears and be happy for a new friend almost everyday who announces her happy news and to work with guys whose wives are popping babies out like popcorn (4 just since May), or to walk by that couple at the store who can't be out of high school yet have a baby.........to act like it's SO fun and great trying and "practicing," to act like I don't really care when and if it happens and that I'm not counting forward 9 months with every single new period. Where you get past the "prime time" each month and try to not overthink and overanalyze every headache, every OUNCE of nausea, every twinge for the next 2 weeks as you wait for Mother Nature to PLEASEGOD not show up.
I've been on this roller coaster more times than I can count (well, 13 now I guess). Some months I've been okay. Other months I've been devastated (like in June when I thought we were for sure were, and I was already planning in my head to drive home with Chris and give my dad a Father's Day card from his grandchild.......I know, I know, I do it to myself). This month, I'm just pissed. And over it. So tired of it. Chris has been tested (twice) and is fine. I'm finally ovulating thanks to Clomid (the drug from the devil himself) and thanks to a very expensive 15 minutes last month (thank god for insurance), we now know my tubes are open and good.
What makes it so hard, too, is knowing how much everyone else wants this for us. Our parents, our siblings, our friends. I think everyone important to us knows that we are "trying" and therefore has quit with the obnoxious questions, and even with the "You're trying too hard, just relax" commentary.
I try to keep my head up. To "let go and let God." To remind myself that God has a greater plan than I know, and that I just have to keep trusting in what that plan is. But that's hard for me. To give up control. To feel like I have ZERO control in this because truly, I do have zero control. I can take the tests, and count the days, and time things as best as I know how, but it's still out of our hands.
I know all hope is not lost yet. We are just now embarking on this scary road and are a long ways away from the dead end. Hopefully the RE we go see Thursday will have some answers. And, like Chris logically said awhile ago (don't tell him I said that), we've been trying since last August, but I haven't actually been ovulating all that time (they assume). My progesterone levels just got to where they needed to be with July's round of Clomid, so really, we've had 2 cycles worth of actual chances.
I'm trying to keep my head up, I really am. But in these nights where I am up with my own thoughts b/c Chris has to work in the morning, I get overwhelmed with panic, and fear, and hopelessness. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. I have faith that it will happen, and no baby will ever be welcomed with bigger open arms.
If you're reading this, prayers are appreciated.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Okay.
Chin up.
No more tears (although plenty have been shed today; partly for the loss of something we never had [again], and partly for the OHMYGODTHESECRAMPSMIGHTKILLME pain).
Onto month #11 of this journey (my lucky number), and according to the little website where I've been tracking these things, if we were to conceive this go-around, Baby King would be due on St. Patrick's Day. That's gotta be a good sign, right?
Round 2 of Clomid will start Tuesday, this time doubling my dosage to 100mg/ day for 5 days. If I make it through this week alive (between the insomnia and burning-up-hot-flashes side effects), I'll consider it a success.
Here we go....
No more tears (although plenty have been shed today; partly for the loss of something we never had [again], and partly for the OHMYGODTHESECRAMPSMIGHTKILLME pain).
Onto month #11 of this journey (my lucky number), and according to the little website where I've been tracking these things, if we were to conceive this go-around, Baby King would be due on St. Patrick's Day. That's gotta be a good sign, right?
Round 2 of Clomid will start Tuesday, this time doubling my dosage to 100mg/ day for 5 days. If I make it through this week alive (between the insomnia and burning-up-hot-flashes side effects), I'll consider it a success.
Here we go....
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Sigh.
So much for my weekly updates. I suck.
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Work has been SO. INSANELY. BUSY. lately. They never have replaced my "co" BA, which is fine by me b/c I'm not good at delegating work anyway (not to mention my tasks are kind of hard to split up since they all kind of connect to each other), but that leaves most the admin work for my branch to.....me. My branch manager, while super nice, cool and we get along GREAT, not to mention we work really well together, is still fairly new to the company (will be 2 years for him in August) and hadn't even gotten his arms around our not-so-small maintenance branch before they threw in the construction/ residential piece in on top of us back in January. So - it's spring. Things are nuts. Stuff is growing, fast. I had almost 90 guys on my payroll this week, did almost $100K in billing and my payables stack today just made me want to run away. But - I'll make it. It's nice to know, in a way, that so many people can count on me..........even if it makes me want to hide under my desk.
In other news, to acknowledge the big ugly elephant in the room, there is no baby yet. Still. Without getting into a big emotional fit over (b/c God knows there have been a few since this process began), or getting overly detailed about it (anyone care to know that out of my last 12 cycles, not one was the same length as any other in the 12-month span? Didn't think so), we are hopefully soon going to start getting some answers and what our next steps are. Til now, all I had was a GP here in Columbus, and so with some input from lady friends here, and a referral from my doc, I have an appointment at an OBGYN Monday - which is great, because I thought they would make me wait forever and ever, or at least another 3 months, when our "year of trying with no birth control" is up. I finally waved the white flag after this past go-around, when I calculated myself to start on day 37 (semi-normal length for me, if a little long).....and still no start by day 42, but 3 negative tests in a row............yeah, a minor (my Mom may say otherwise) meltdown ensued. I'm just so, so tired of it all.
If one more person tells me to "Just relax, it'll happen," or "trust in God's plan" one more time, they're getting it. I KNOW THESE THINGS. In my head, I am positive that as soon as I can quit thinking about the baby that should've been here anytime now (since we started in August), it will happen. But how? How do you stop thinking about it? Work keeps me busy enough, I'm getting to the gym and outside to run and work in my yard more, but everytime I turn around, someone else is pregnant. Facebook is the death trap of babies (seriously.....a dozen friends in the last month, at least), and so is my own family. (Yup - Chris & I are going to be an aunt and uncle again in November....my sister in law Jenn & her husband Kevin are due right after Thanksgiving - they ltierally told everyone the day they found out. Couldn't wait a single second!) So - while I'm excited for friends (hi, Ashley :)) and family who are expecting little ones, I am just trying to keep my head above water and out of that scary place that says, "You'll never get to be a mom."
In happier news...............it's spring, it's gorgeous out, and tomorrow is Friday. Finally. I promise to be back sooner than 4 weeks from now!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sleep
I apologize in advance for this probably way-too personal/ too-many-details post.
This is ridiculous.
I slept for a grand total of maybe 4 hours Saturday night. Exhausted all day Sunday. Go to bed at a decent hour (9) last night and what am I doing?
Sitting up, awake, online, at 1:30, because what is becoming way too normal - I. CAN'T. F'ING. SLEEP.
Tonight I at least have an excuse. Not sure what is wrong but right after dinner, my stomach was really upset and is just now calming down. NOT TO MENTION that for the 5th month in a row, Mother Nature shows up today, in all her cramping, backache, general feel-like-crap glory. The last 4 months I've been calm and hopeful about it. Today I start while in the middle of grocery shopping at Meijer and make it through checking out before I have a meltdown in the car. Poor Chris. I'm so frustrated and I really thought that we did everything "right" this month. I quickly "got over it" (ie, didn't spend the day curled in a ball weeping in the dark), but I really am bummed. Why is this, something that seems to happen so easily for other people, so hard for US? I know you have to wait a year before seeing a doctor about it, but those ugly thoughts are starting to creep in my mind.......what if something is wrong? What if we can never have a baby?
Okay, okay, no. None of that.
But every night for the last MONTH I've had trouble getting to sleep. It's affecting everything. My stress levels at work are high enough without enough sleep, I really think that I may end up scaring everyone into never talking to me again at this rate. I eat like crap when I'm tired, I don't ever feel like exercising in any way shape or form when I'm tired.......
I'm tired of being TIRED. I'm tired of having to drug myself into an oblivion just to get to sleep anymore. The last couple of weeks I've tried really hard to not take anything; today I even bought a bottle of melatonin which is supposed to work wonders. Ha.
Sorry for whining. These nights are killing me. :(
This is ridiculous.
I slept for a grand total of maybe 4 hours Saturday night. Exhausted all day Sunday. Go to bed at a decent hour (9) last night and what am I doing?
Sitting up, awake, online, at 1:30, because what is becoming way too normal - I. CAN'T. F'ING. SLEEP.
Tonight I at least have an excuse. Not sure what is wrong but right after dinner, my stomach was really upset and is just now calming down. NOT TO MENTION that for the 5th month in a row, Mother Nature shows up today, in all her cramping, backache, general feel-like-crap glory. The last 4 months I've been calm and hopeful about it. Today I start while in the middle of grocery shopping at Meijer and make it through checking out before I have a meltdown in the car. Poor Chris. I'm so frustrated and I really thought that we did everything "right" this month. I quickly "got over it" (ie, didn't spend the day curled in a ball weeping in the dark), but I really am bummed. Why is this, something that seems to happen so easily for other people, so hard for US? I know you have to wait a year before seeing a doctor about it, but those ugly thoughts are starting to creep in my mind.......what if something is wrong? What if we can never have a baby?
Okay, okay, no. None of that.
But every night for the last MONTH I've had trouble getting to sleep. It's affecting everything. My stress levels at work are high enough without enough sleep, I really think that I may end up scaring everyone into never talking to me again at this rate. I eat like crap when I'm tired, I don't ever feel like exercising in any way shape or form when I'm tired.......
I'm tired of being TIRED. I'm tired of having to drug myself into an oblivion just to get to sleep anymore. The last couple of weeks I've tried really hard to not take anything; today I even bought a bottle of melatonin which is supposed to work wonders. Ha.
Sorry for whining. These nights are killing me. :(
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Christmas Spirit
A lot of things have hindered my Christmas spirit this year.
We are on month 4 of trying to have a baby, with no luck so far. If one more person tells me to "relax, it'll happen in its own time," I'm going to FLIP OUT. That's like telling a little kid to NOT lick the frosting off a cupcake you put right in front of them and walk out of the room (lame analogy but all I could come up with on short notice). Don't tell me to relax. Don't tell me that "God has His own plans." I know all this. It's just frustrating, especially when it literally seems like everyone of any kind of relationship or acquaintance-ship to me is pregnant lately (including a 10-years older than me friend who has had her tubes tied...ectopic and very scary, but still? How does that happen???)......for the first time, for the 2nd time, for the 15th time.......ok, I kid on that last one. But when we started trying around our anniversary, I thought for sure everyone's Christmas present could be, "Surprise! You're going to be an aunt/ uncle/ cousin/ grandma/ grandpa again/ for the first time!" Not so much. Sigh. (Wallows in self-pity).
Money continues to be of short supply, but that's no different than any other day.
We moved in October and while we are 95% settled, there are always those 5% of boxes of random STUFF that need to be put away (or in our case, put UP on walls, etc). That being said, we have done ZERO decorating in our house for Christmas. Nothing. No lights, no tree, no wreath, no stockings. It just seems like so much work when he have everyday stuff that isn't even up yet. And to our defense, we came back after Thanksgiving weekend completely worn OUT. Were home for the 3rd and 4th but never got around to it. We were in Indy with friends last weekend. We're home this weekend, but at that point, what IS the point? We're leaving next Thursday night or Friday morning for Indiana. I rationalize it as we're not even HOME for Christmas and haven't been since we've been married.......maybe next year there will be a little reason to put up a tree!! (Crosses fingers).
Work is stressful (again, nothing new) awaiting snow and getting ready for 2012 (wait, 2012?!?!?).
I still have a lot of Christmas shopping left to do, if for no other reason than I've just been putting it off. I enjoy it, but it's like every weekend comes and I just find something else to do.
The Cowboys are doing their best to give me a heart attack week in and week out. Heart attacks when we end up with Ws = okay. Heart attacks when we end up giving games away = not okay.
But.
The last 4 days have done a lot to remedy my spiritlessness.
A little pat on my back here, so bear with me.....Sunday, I went to a Beef & Boards show in Indy with Chris' mom, sister &; grandma (PS - "Silent Night" gets me EVERYTIME). As Chris & I were waiting for them to come meet me (and him to head off to meet friends), we watched a large crowd of people walk in. One of them dropped cash. $125. In CASH. I ran after the crowd, asking several people if they had lost any money. No cigar (one telling me, "looks like you are $125 richer!" How? How would I spend that money??). So I wait until the show is over, go to the "main office" window. Ask if anyone had reported missing money. Yes, but had been found and returned. Huh. Must be different. Turn to walk away. Lady goes, "wait, how much was it?" I hesitated.....she asked, "$125?" I nod. Turns out, long story short, an older gentleman met his daughter at the show. He was scheduled to have some dental work done. He couldn't pay for it. Daughter hands him $125. Man loses money. Man is distraight. Daughter tells father that it's not a big deal, here's more money. Man refuses, doesn't want to take daughter's money again. Walks away. Daughter hands money to office, asking them to call the gentleman later telling him the money had been "found." They took her info just in case. The money I had got returned. I could have used that money, for sure. But how could I have spent that money knowing how upset (especially at this time of year!!) I would be if I lost $125? It at least got me a "God bless you" from an older lady who had overheard the exchange. :)
Then, tomorrow is my 4th Christmas party with Brickman. That meant the Food Drive I started back in 2008 was in its 4th year this year, and we dropped off today. 3,399 pounds donated, and that doesn't even count one of the branches. Last year's total? 1,397. I am SO PROUD of the people I work with. One of my supervisors (not even salaried) handed me $150 on Tuesday to go towards the mass shopping trip I did today. This kid is younger than me, married. I almost burst into tears when he explained that "My wife & I budgeted for this. This is half our grocery budget for the month; we can afford it. We're very blessed." I about fell over. When it was all said and done, my branch collected almost 1600 items. Absolutely amazed and a little proud, too. They say 1 pound equals 1 meal, generally, so we just fed about 4,000 people.
Babies will come. Cowboys will be my Cowboys. We'll never have enough money. Work will always be work. But day after day, year after year, I'm astounded at the generosity of others, and even proud of the way I was raised. We don't need decorations, or lights, or stockings hung to be thankful for the life we DO have. We don't have to depend on a food bank for our daily meals. We have enough money to buy little things for our loved ones. We are blessed by groups of friends who open their homes when we're coming in from out of town and always make time to see us for dinner, or drinks, or whatever, when we get to see each other, which isn't nearly often enough. We're going to be surrounded by those who love us most next weekend for Christmas, and I'll get to sit next to the people who mean the most to me in this world during Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
That's everything I need.
We are on month 4 of trying to have a baby, with no luck so far. If one more person tells me to "relax, it'll happen in its own time," I'm going to FLIP OUT. That's like telling a little kid to NOT lick the frosting off a cupcake you put right in front of them and walk out of the room (lame analogy but all I could come up with on short notice). Don't tell me to relax. Don't tell me that "God has His own plans." I know all this. It's just frustrating, especially when it literally seems like everyone of any kind of relationship or acquaintance-ship to me is pregnant lately (including a 10-years older than me friend who has had her tubes tied...ectopic and very scary, but still? How does that happen???)......for the first time, for the 2nd time, for the 15th time.......ok, I kid on that last one. But when we started trying around our anniversary, I thought for sure everyone's Christmas present could be, "Surprise! You're going to be an aunt/ uncle/ cousin/ grandma/ grandpa again/ for the first time!" Not so much. Sigh. (Wallows in self-pity).
Money continues to be of short supply, but that's no different than any other day.
We moved in October and while we are 95% settled, there are always those 5% of boxes of random STUFF that need to be put away (or in our case, put UP on walls, etc). That being said, we have done ZERO decorating in our house for Christmas. Nothing. No lights, no tree, no wreath, no stockings. It just seems like so much work when he have everyday stuff that isn't even up yet. And to our defense, we came back after Thanksgiving weekend completely worn OUT. Were home for the 3rd and 4th but never got around to it. We were in Indy with friends last weekend. We're home this weekend, but at that point, what IS the point? We're leaving next Thursday night or Friday morning for Indiana. I rationalize it as we're not even HOME for Christmas and haven't been since we've been married.......maybe next year there will be a little reason to put up a tree!! (Crosses fingers).
Work is stressful (again, nothing new) awaiting snow and getting ready for 2012 (wait, 2012?!?!?).
I still have a lot of Christmas shopping left to do, if for no other reason than I've just been putting it off. I enjoy it, but it's like every weekend comes and I just find something else to do.
The Cowboys are doing their best to give me a heart attack week in and week out. Heart attacks when we end up with Ws = okay. Heart attacks when we end up giving games away = not okay.
But.
The last 4 days have done a lot to remedy my spiritlessness.
A little pat on my back here, so bear with me.....Sunday, I went to a Beef & Boards show in Indy with Chris' mom, sister &; grandma (PS - "Silent Night" gets me EVERYTIME). As Chris & I were waiting for them to come meet me (and him to head off to meet friends), we watched a large crowd of people walk in. One of them dropped cash. $125. In CASH. I ran after the crowd, asking several people if they had lost any money. No cigar (one telling me, "looks like you are $125 richer!" How? How would I spend that money??). So I wait until the show is over, go to the "main office" window. Ask if anyone had reported missing money. Yes, but had been found and returned. Huh. Must be different. Turn to walk away. Lady goes, "wait, how much was it?" I hesitated.....she asked, "$125?" I nod. Turns out, long story short, an older gentleman met his daughter at the show. He was scheduled to have some dental work done. He couldn't pay for it. Daughter hands him $125. Man loses money. Man is distraight. Daughter tells father that it's not a big deal, here's more money. Man refuses, doesn't want to take daughter's money again. Walks away. Daughter hands money to office, asking them to call the gentleman later telling him the money had been "found." They took her info just in case. The money I had got returned. I could have used that money, for sure. But how could I have spent that money knowing how upset (especially at this time of year!!) I would be if I lost $125? It at least got me a "God bless you" from an older lady who had overheard the exchange. :)
Then, tomorrow is my 4th Christmas party with Brickman. That meant the Food Drive I started back in 2008 was in its 4th year this year, and we dropped off today. 3,399 pounds donated, and that doesn't even count one of the branches. Last year's total? 1,397. I am SO PROUD of the people I work with. One of my supervisors (not even salaried) handed me $150 on Tuesday to go towards the mass shopping trip I did today. This kid is younger than me, married. I almost burst into tears when he explained that "My wife & I budgeted for this. This is half our grocery budget for the month; we can afford it. We're very blessed." I about fell over. When it was all said and done, my branch collected almost 1600 items. Absolutely amazed and a little proud, too. They say 1 pound equals 1 meal, generally, so we just fed about 4,000 people.
Babies will come. Cowboys will be my Cowboys. We'll never have enough money. Work will always be work. But day after day, year after year, I'm astounded at the generosity of others, and even proud of the way I was raised. We don't need decorations, or lights, or stockings hung to be thankful for the life we DO have. We don't have to depend on a food bank for our daily meals. We have enough money to buy little things for our loved ones. We are blessed by groups of friends who open their homes when we're coming in from out of town and always make time to see us for dinner, or drinks, or whatever, when we get to see each other, which isn't nearly often enough. We're going to be surrounded by those who love us most next weekend for Christmas, and I'll get to sit next to the people who mean the most to me in this world during Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
That's everything I need.
Friday, November 4, 2011
November??!
What a crazy couple of weeks this has been. In short:
1. We moved into a cute little rental house on the 15/16. We love it and everything big is unpacked and in place, but all of the little things (hanging pictures, unpacking non-everyday clothes, unpacking the randoms) just need to get done b/c the random unsettledness is driving me crazy.
2. Chris' parents were over on the 22/23. We had a very relaxing and low key weekend - nothing big to report. The most exciting thing from the weekend was buying a new programmable thermostat for the house that Chris' stepdad installed.
3. Snow is coming. Work is getting crazy. It's my 4th snow season with Brickman, but 1st at the new branch....always a lot of work.
4. Thanksgiving is now less than 3 weeks away. Which means Christmas is a mere 7 weeks away. We are in no shape or form prepared for either holiday.
5. Cowboys have managed to grab losses from the jaws of victory 3 times this season (@ the Jets, home vs Detroit and on the road @ the Patriots) and just lay a big turd another game this past weekend to be 3-4 going into this weekend. Thankfully, the hardest part of our schedule is now behind while the rest of our division has tough months ahead. No one expected Dallas to do better than 9-7 or 8-8, but now that they're in the season, they're getting slammed for not leading the division after 8 weeks. Lame.
6. Still no baby. Trying to relax and not overthink it, but it's hard to "just let it happen." How does one do that, exactly? How do you spend a good portion of your late teens & early 20s doing everything POSSIBLE to prevent and then all of a sudden "oh, just have fun with it! God will let it happen in His own time!" If one more person tells me to just "relax," I'm going to flip. out. I'm doing my best people, but my slightly anal-retentive nature is hard to overcome. I know a baby will come in its own sweet time; I'm just used at being good at things the first time I try them :-\ ((That came out really conceited, but I just mean in things like school and numbers, etc........))
7. Not huge baseball fans in the King household although my dad has always loved the Cardinals and Chris has passively followed them as long as I've known him, so it was fun to watch St. Louis come from out of nowhere to win the wild card, beat the favored Phillies, win the pennant against Milwaukee & take the Rangers in 7 to win their 11th Championship ever. At least one of our teams is going somewhere this year (lame).
8. When your husband tells you to "stay between the boards" while crawling through the attic, he means to stay on the rafters. Not on the panels in between. Not following those directions causes one to almost fall completely through their kitchen ceiling, bust up their right shin & have the black and blue bruise to end all black and blue bruises on their left butt cheek. Ouch. Needless to say, we have not been able to get internet and cable to the bedroom we need it in; I'm typing this post from the buffet in the kitchen. Oh well. We'll get there......eventually.
9. I'm doing absolutely nothing between now and Sunday. I may not even bathe. Okay, I'll bathe. But after moving 3 weekends ago, Chris' parents 2 weekends ago, getting our apartment closed up last week......then next weekend I'm going to E-ville with my mom and sister, weekend after that friends are coming, weekend after that is Thanksgiving, weekend after that is DECEMBER.......yeah, doing. nothing. this weekend.
10. That is all...........looking forward to the coolest day in history, ever - 11.11.11 - my 28th birthday ;-)
1. We moved into a cute little rental house on the 15/16. We love it and everything big is unpacked and in place, but all of the little things (hanging pictures, unpacking non-everyday clothes, unpacking the randoms) just need to get done b/c the random unsettledness is driving me crazy.
2. Chris' parents were over on the 22/23. We had a very relaxing and low key weekend - nothing big to report. The most exciting thing from the weekend was buying a new programmable thermostat for the house that Chris' stepdad installed.
3. Snow is coming. Work is getting crazy. It's my 4th snow season with Brickman, but 1st at the new branch....always a lot of work.
4. Thanksgiving is now less than 3 weeks away. Which means Christmas is a mere 7 weeks away. We are in no shape or form prepared for either holiday.
5. Cowboys have managed to grab losses from the jaws of victory 3 times this season (@ the Jets, home vs Detroit and on the road @ the Patriots) and just lay a big turd another game this past weekend to be 3-4 going into this weekend. Thankfully, the hardest part of our schedule is now behind while the rest of our division has tough months ahead. No one expected Dallas to do better than 9-7 or 8-8, but now that they're in the season, they're getting slammed for not leading the division after 8 weeks. Lame.
6. Still no baby. Trying to relax and not overthink it, but it's hard to "just let it happen." How does one do that, exactly? How do you spend a good portion of your late teens & early 20s doing everything POSSIBLE to prevent and then all of a sudden "oh, just have fun with it! God will let it happen in His own time!" If one more person tells me to just "relax," I'm going to flip. out. I'm doing my best people, but my slightly anal-retentive nature is hard to overcome. I know a baby will come in its own sweet time; I'm just used at being good at things the first time I try them :-\ ((That came out really conceited, but I just mean in things like school and numbers, etc........))
7. Not huge baseball fans in the King household although my dad has always loved the Cardinals and Chris has passively followed them as long as I've known him, so it was fun to watch St. Louis come from out of nowhere to win the wild card, beat the favored Phillies, win the pennant against Milwaukee & take the Rangers in 7 to win their 11th Championship ever. At least one of our teams is going somewhere this year (lame).
8. When your husband tells you to "stay between the boards" while crawling through the attic, he means to stay on the rafters. Not on the panels in between. Not following those directions causes one to almost fall completely through their kitchen ceiling, bust up their right shin & have the black and blue bruise to end all black and blue bruises on their left butt cheek. Ouch. Needless to say, we have not been able to get internet and cable to the bedroom we need it in; I'm typing this post from the buffet in the kitchen. Oh well. We'll get there......eventually.
9. I'm doing absolutely nothing between now and Sunday. I may not even bathe. Okay, I'll bathe. But after moving 3 weekends ago, Chris' parents 2 weekends ago, getting our apartment closed up last week......then next weekend I'm going to E-ville with my mom and sister, weekend after that friends are coming, weekend after that is Thanksgiving, weekend after that is DECEMBER.......yeah, doing. nothing. this weekend.
10. That is all...........looking forward to the coolest day in history, ever - 11.11.11 - my 28th birthday ;-)
Friday, October 14, 2011
Holy October Batman
Its been awhile (almost 4 weeks, are you serious?!) since I wrote last. In a nutshell, the last month of my life:
Ran a 5K on 10/8 almost 6 minutes slower than the same race last year. Disgusted by it, I've tried to not think about it really since then, but it sickens me how just this side of 5.5 months ago I ran almost 4.5x that distance. Lame. Have. Got. To. Get. Back. To. Running. Or the gym. Or ANYTHING....
Friends Blake & Katie cancelled on us for this weekend on Tuesday which sucked, but turned out to be a good thing b/c our landlord called Wednesday night and we get to get into our house TOMORROW and not be charged until the end of the month as previously agreed!! So....the last 2 nights have been busy and frantic packing nights but at least we're getting it out of the way instead of letting it hang over our heads for 2 more weeks. PLUS, with Chris' fam coming over next weekend, they'll be able to see the new place! Have I mentioned how STOKED I am that tonight will be the last night EVER (I pray) to ever sleep in an apartment? Whether or not we stay in this house after our 2-year-lease-with-option-to-buy-anytime ends is obviously still up in the air, but I can't WAIT to be in a house, with a yard, and a garage, and 3 bedrooms.....
Why 3 bedrooms? Hopefully Baby King will make its pending arrival known sooner rather than later! Pray for baby dust. :)
Another good thing about the house? It's literally 2.0 miles down the road from my work. I GPS'd it. 2.0 miles. No more 35/ 40 minutes to go 15 miles at 6:30am. STOKED.
Cowboys had a bye last week and while it couldn't have come at a better time to get the team healthy, it means I've had to chew on the loss to the Lions for 12 days now. Who blows a TWENTY FOUR POINT LEAD to end up losing? Oh, no other team than Dallas, that's for damn sure.
So tonight it's more frantic packing and tomorrow moving all our big stuff and most of our little stuff, and then we'll have 2 weeks to get everything wrapped up at the old place. Just ready to be SETTLED!!
Oh, and who can believe Thanksgiving is a mere 41 days away, and Christmas just 72 away??!?! Seriously......how is it the middle of October already?
Ran a 5K on 10/8 almost 6 minutes slower than the same race last year. Disgusted by it, I've tried to not think about it really since then, but it sickens me how just this side of 5.5 months ago I ran almost 4.5x that distance. Lame. Have. Got. To. Get. Back. To. Running. Or the gym. Or ANYTHING....
Friends Blake & Katie cancelled on us for this weekend on Tuesday which sucked, but turned out to be a good thing b/c our landlord called Wednesday night and we get to get into our house TOMORROW and not be charged until the end of the month as previously agreed!! So....the last 2 nights have been busy and frantic packing nights but at least we're getting it out of the way instead of letting it hang over our heads for 2 more weeks. PLUS, with Chris' fam coming over next weekend, they'll be able to see the new place! Have I mentioned how STOKED I am that tonight will be the last night EVER (I pray) to ever sleep in an apartment? Whether or not we stay in this house after our 2-year-lease-with-option-to-buy-anytime ends is obviously still up in the air, but I can't WAIT to be in a house, with a yard, and a garage, and 3 bedrooms.....
Why 3 bedrooms? Hopefully Baby King will make its pending arrival known sooner rather than later! Pray for baby dust. :)
Another good thing about the house? It's literally 2.0 miles down the road from my work. I GPS'd it. 2.0 miles. No more 35/ 40 minutes to go 15 miles at 6:30am. STOKED.
Cowboys had a bye last week and while it couldn't have come at a better time to get the team healthy, it means I've had to chew on the loss to the Lions for 12 days now. Who blows a TWENTY FOUR POINT LEAD to end up losing? Oh, no other team than Dallas, that's for damn sure.
So tonight it's more frantic packing and tomorrow moving all our big stuff and most of our little stuff, and then we'll have 2 weeks to get everything wrapped up at the old place. Just ready to be SETTLED!!
Oh, and who can believe Thanksgiving is a mere 41 days away, and Christmas just 72 away??!?! Seriously......how is it the middle of October already?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Lame
I really wish I had the ability to magically blog about things as soon as they come to me, or happen to me........because when I actually sit down to write ANYthing, everything I was GOING to write about.....flits away. Seems so much less significant than it did when it happened, or when I thought about it.
Random thoughts 'o the day:
1. "How do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans." Isn't that the truth...not that we're even technically "trying" yet....not that my body even seems to want to cooperate since I took my friend Ashley's advice and bought some ovulation tests "just because" last month - and from days 10 to 20 not one teeny tiny little sign of having anything even there TO fertilize....but whatever.....here I woke up this morning, day 36, later than I've ever been in my life....didn't even allow myself to hope for anything, and it's a good thing, because Mother Nature had another great laugh at my expense this afternoon. Stupid bitch.
2. My job......stresses me out. The people, the work, the industry, the day-to-day business of it, the constant drama that seems to surround my job anymore - exhausts me. I hesitate to go into it any further but I truly wonder somedays how much longer I can last before I literally lose my mind. I used to love my job and I truly do love what I do - just not the "who" of my job. I thankfully got another raise recently, although it's hard to call something that will net you about $30 extra per month a raise, but whatever. I know, I know. Better than 0. But 0 is at least honest. Sometimes raises like the one I got feel like more of a slap in the face than they do a "adda girl." There are indeed some 9-5, straight 40-hour-workweeks out there, but my job sure as hell isn't one of them. I come in early, I'm there late, I'm there weekends. I've brought work home and I do work from home when I'm sick and on vacation. What I wouldn't give for a summer vacation.......!
3. Speaking of that, I heard on the radio the other day that people who have desk jobs are at an exponentially higher risk for heart attacks/ heart disease than those who are up moving around (ie factory work, teachers, nurses, doctors, movers and landscapers, what have you) in their jobs. At first I was alarmed because I thought to myself, 'Yeah, most days I come and sure feel like collapsing instead of running or anything else' - but then someone called in and said, "I think that it has to do less with those desk job people moving around less and more with the stress that those with desk jobs have to deal with." Amen.
4. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I will have a new (to me) car. The Malibu is just under 150,000 miles and we have just poured money into it as of late. New tires, new brake work, hub bearing replacement, more brake work. I've had it since January of 2005 when it had about 60,000 miles on it, and I have driven that car EVERYwhere. Countless trips between Muncie & Terre Haute, Muncie & Columbus, Terre Haute & Columbus, plus the cross-town commutes the first year we lived here and now. I'm sad to give up a no-car-payment life, but it's time.
5. It is August 16. Holy hell. Does anyone else realize that Christmas is only 18 weeks away (sorry, Ashley!)?! Before we can even worry about that, though, we have to figure out this "we have to move out of these apartments before I go nuts and now is just not the time to buy a house" situation. Our lease doesn't end until October 31, so we have some time, but we need to get moving, and quick. I'm hoping we can rent a house......there aren't many 3 bedroom apartments anywhere, and plus........I'm tired of apartments.
6. That's about it. Hope you are all doing well in the world!!!
Random thoughts 'o the day:
1. "How do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans." Isn't that the truth...not that we're even technically "trying" yet....not that my body even seems to want to cooperate since I took my friend Ashley's advice and bought some ovulation tests "just because" last month - and from days 10 to 20 not one teeny tiny little sign of having anything even there TO fertilize....but whatever.....here I woke up this morning, day 36, later than I've ever been in my life....didn't even allow myself to hope for anything, and it's a good thing, because Mother Nature had another great laugh at my expense this afternoon. Stupid bitch.
2. My job......stresses me out. The people, the work, the industry, the day-to-day business of it, the constant drama that seems to surround my job anymore - exhausts me. I hesitate to go into it any further but I truly wonder somedays how much longer I can last before I literally lose my mind. I used to love my job and I truly do love what I do - just not the "who" of my job. I thankfully got another raise recently, although it's hard to call something that will net you about $30 extra per month a raise, but whatever. I know, I know. Better than 0. But 0 is at least honest. Sometimes raises like the one I got feel like more of a slap in the face than they do a "adda girl." There are indeed some 9-5, straight 40-hour-workweeks out there, but my job sure as hell isn't one of them. I come in early, I'm there late, I'm there weekends. I've brought work home and I do work from home when I'm sick and on vacation. What I wouldn't give for a summer vacation.......!
3. Speaking of that, I heard on the radio the other day that people who have desk jobs are at an exponentially higher risk for heart attacks/ heart disease than those who are up moving around (ie factory work, teachers, nurses, doctors, movers and landscapers, what have you) in their jobs. At first I was alarmed because I thought to myself, 'Yeah, most days I come and sure feel like collapsing instead of running or anything else' - but then someone called in and said, "I think that it has to do less with those desk job people moving around less and more with the stress that those with desk jobs have to deal with." Amen.
4. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend, I will have a new (to me) car. The Malibu is just under 150,000 miles and we have just poured money into it as of late. New tires, new brake work, hub bearing replacement, more brake work. I've had it since January of 2005 when it had about 60,000 miles on it, and I have driven that car EVERYwhere. Countless trips between Muncie & Terre Haute, Muncie & Columbus, Terre Haute & Columbus, plus the cross-town commutes the first year we lived here and now. I'm sad to give up a no-car-payment life, but it's time.
5. It is August 16. Holy hell. Does anyone else realize that Christmas is only 18 weeks away (sorry, Ashley!)?! Before we can even worry about that, though, we have to figure out this "we have to move out of these apartments before I go nuts and now is just not the time to buy a house" situation. Our lease doesn't end until October 31, so we have some time, but we need to get moving, and quick. I'm hoping we can rent a house......there aren't many 3 bedroom apartments anywhere, and plus........I'm tired of apartments.
6. That's about it. Hope you are all doing well in the world!!!
Monday, July 11, 2011
No Baby
I think Mother Nature is a sneaky little bitch who I really think just gets her jollies off messing with peoples' heads. Seriously.
I've been off the pill since March, and off my happy pills (Zoloft) for about a month now.
We've been preventing, but not doing a really good job of it...had we been in high school or college still with this behavior, I would've been pregnant 35 times over by now.
A couple months ago, probably April-ish/ May, I was late...convinced myself that go figure, we weren't even trying, and here we go. Late, late, late....the night before I was going to take a test, I had this dream - VIVID dream - that my test was positive. One of those dreams that was so lifelike you wake up and have to remember that your dream is not, in fact, reality. That test, obviously, was negative.
Fast forward to last week. Convinced myself, yet AGAIN, that this was it. We had one of those nights a couple weeks ago that I just knew we were completely safe - except googling it a couple days later....just about the highest-risk time during the month except the days right around mid-cycle. I was really overthinking the whole thing and even got sucked into the baby aisle at Barnes & Noble Saturday night, flipping through "What to Expect when You're Expecting," (I didn't buy it though). Reading through the symptoms, I was conVINced. Overly tired? Yes. Heavy feeling in the the lower abdomen? Yes. Constantly feeling dehydrated? Yes. Weird appetite?
Just now though, I have to chalk all of that up to last week was yet another stressful, 5-days-crammed-into-4 month end week, its been hotter than hell outside and I haven't ran in way too long.
No baby.
I know we're not really trying, and we have lots of time....but I'm ready. I'm ready now. I try to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I can't help being disappointed and sad for something that never existed. I know our time will come and we have a LOT going on in the next 6-8 weeks that will make August 30 (my do-or-die day) come really fast.
But right now, I'm sad.
Bedtime.
I've been off the pill since March, and off my happy pills (Zoloft) for about a month now.
We've been preventing, but not doing a really good job of it...had we been in high school or college still with this behavior, I would've been pregnant 35 times over by now.
A couple months ago, probably April-ish/ May, I was late...convinced myself that go figure, we weren't even trying, and here we go. Late, late, late....the night before I was going to take a test, I had this dream - VIVID dream - that my test was positive. One of those dreams that was so lifelike you wake up and have to remember that your dream is not, in fact, reality. That test, obviously, was negative.
Fast forward to last week. Convinced myself, yet AGAIN, that this was it. We had one of those nights a couple weeks ago that I just knew we were completely safe - except googling it a couple days later....just about the highest-risk time during the month except the days right around mid-cycle. I was really overthinking the whole thing and even got sucked into the baby aisle at Barnes & Noble Saturday night, flipping through "What to Expect when You're Expecting," (I didn't buy it though). Reading through the symptoms, I was conVINced. Overly tired? Yes. Heavy feeling in the the lower abdomen? Yes. Constantly feeling dehydrated? Yes. Weird appetite?
Just now though, I have to chalk all of that up to last week was yet another stressful, 5-days-crammed-into-4 month end week, its been hotter than hell outside and I haven't ran in way too long.
No baby.
I know we're not really trying, and we have lots of time....but I'm ready. I'm ready now. I try to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I can't help being disappointed and sad for something that never existed. I know our time will come and we have a LOT going on in the next 6-8 weeks that will make August 30 (my do-or-die day) come really fast.
But right now, I'm sad.
Bedtime.
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